Leslie Catherine

My brother is a active alcoholic/addict who has managed to perpetuate the disease/affliction onto his offspring just as our father perpetuated it onto his children by never taking responsibility for his addictions, causing financial and emotional wreckage, never providing for his children, and giving them an environment ripe with alcohol and substance abuse issues. Our mother, who has financial resources, paid for the college education of my brother's oldest daughter, who is not an addict/alcoholic and that is an admirable thing. The two boys are in the mid to late 20's now and have a history of drug and alcohol abuse. The youngest boy is 25 and says he is going to college now. He barely got thru high school with addiction issues and was both in treatment and arrested multiple times before even out of high school. Family members with drug and alcohol abuse issues need to be held accountable. If my mother were to invest financially in his college education some boundaries would need to be set. Such as excellent grades, and random drug testing once a week indefinitely. Otherwise its a bad investment. This boy would most likely not ever finish college. The same principles hold true in any prospective employment opportunity . Zero tolerance for drugs and alcohol abuse and drug testing. Of course, as usual, my brother has never provided for his children, sponges off our mother and now expects to use family resources to pay for something that is his responsibility. Whereas our sister is not an alcoholic/addict and has a healthy mind and a healthy lifestyle. She has two children entering high school. She and her non alcoholic/addict children deserve all the help in the world. It is not fair to them either to consider investing anything in another active alcoholic/addict family member. I have been in AA for many years and as they say, if a person is willing to do anything for the gift of sobriety then we would do anything to help them, but if not, then we wouldn't even bother to cross the street... Is this harsh?

Anaya

Welcome, Catherine12! Thank you for sharing your story and your insight.

I've two adult children: We helped our oldest (who was committed and able to complete/get credit for classes) with college expenses. Our youngest, who wouldn't/couldn't commit to completing studies in high school and who then wanted to go onto college (seemed under pressure because many friends were going to college, it was the next step) and was still using drugs, we did not agree to and put on hold indefinitely the idea of providing financial assistance for further education for him. At present, I might consider offering financial assistance, if I would see that he would actually commit to and complete courses.

Leslie Catherine

Thank you for your experience.
The issue is about proving commitment with good grades,
but the issue is also about being accountable for the substance abuse.
Zero tolerance with the historical drug and alcohol abuse.

Anaya

"Zero tolerance with the historical drug and alcohol abuse. "

That sounds like a reasonable boundary for a family member to set for himself or herself when considering offering money for education; though, it possibly could be difficult to track and verify alcohol or drug use in the person needing financial help (unless it is obvious they are using or they give permission for testing and then for the results to be shared).

cynical one

I'm currently helping 15 kids thru college (none of them mine). I do it on a semester by semester basis.

Transcript showing passing grades = financial help for the next semester.
Failing grades = sorry, recommit to passing grades the next semester and I'll help again the following.

Education and substance abuse are two separate issues to me. If they can get thru college, I'm investing in their future...whether they are loaded or clean.

I've also always found drug testing to be both creepy and unreliable. With a couple hours notice, anyone can pass a drug test. Behaviors always show that using looks like using.

Leslie Catherine

Just passing grades?
Seems like D's and C's should be unacceptable.
Any person committed to their education and their future
would not be getting C's and D's.
Education is to expensive for such half measures.
My brother was an alcoholic/addict who used family financial resources
and went to law school in the 80's with a C average.
He is a member of the Illinois Bar Association
and has never practiced law or provided for his children.
What a waste in every way.
Mediocre bad grades are a red flag for substance abuse
with historical substance abusers.

cynical one

As they say "C's get degrees". I look at it like the more exposure they have to higher education, the better chances they will have of graduating and being more productive adults.

I don't believe in "hand outs", more of "hand ups". Nobody rides for free. I don't expect perfect grades when they are also working part-time to support themselves.

I also have worked hard to not pass on my codependent traits of perfectionism and control.

piove

Agree with zero tolerance for financial support for academics while still in active addiction. It is not a matter of punishment, but of being realistic.
My daughter had to prove to herself (first) and to us, that she was able to function in the adult world (recovery job) before considering resuming college. It still may not work out, and if she can not keep up her grades (Cs minimum) she will have to take another break. We all understand that it would be crazy to struggle to just get by.

JK130

Am I understanding that the money belongs to your mother, the grandparent of the man (your nephew) who now wants to go to college? If she's in charge then you can only suggest to her how to spend her money. Can she afford his college expense? Will paying for his education put her at financial risk?

If you are making the financial decisions, you can make a contract with him, but that puts you in the position of monitoring it, and potentially withholding support.

My heart goes out to you, and your family.

JD4320

My experience with addicts and their behavior is roundly that the threat of losing something, anything, will not change behavior. Giving pre-conditions or ultimatums lead to those conditions being met, and then once the addict gets what he/she wants, it all goes out the window. I would recommend considering if your mother has the money to support the student and whether it would put her in financial trouble. If she does, and can offer the tuition support freely, I would simply make the suggestion that she should agree to a set time (1 semester? 1 year?) If the student performs well, he can continue. If not, then move along. If a user is going to get clean, it will be on his decision, and no amount of carrots or sticks will do a thing to change it. But inspiration to do different can come in many forms, maybe being around college achievers and seeing how life could be different will be a good impetus for change? You won't know until you try, just don't put yourself and your future in the line of fire.