NeedAFriend88

First for everything... never thought I would be doing this. I've been married for 31 years, we have raised 4 kids, stay at home mom, homeschool mom, loving, involved husband, great dad...pretty much the "ideal" home. We worked hard to not make our home "child centered" - God, marriage, kids, job... Our children were not spoiled and knew what work was. We found out about 2 years ago that our youngest - a son - was doing drugs. We gave him opportunities to get out of the problem and start again. My husband took most of the responsibility in dealing with him, but we were always unified in whatever decision was made. I don't feel like we enabled because in providing for him in terms of college, place to live, food, etc... we kept money tight and gave him guidelines - like drug testing etc... He would get "better", then mess up. We always gave him consequences when that happened. We still thought he was just being immature and "socially using" - we underestimated the severity of the problem. Well, 2 years have passed and he is 20. My husband and oldest son did an intervention in July and got him into a 90 day residential treatment program - that is costing a pretty penny. I know I need to get to the point to keep this short - so without a lot of details, he has not progressed very far. His girlfriend (who was not into drugs, but not necessarily good for him either) sent him a vague "Dear John" letter 1 month into treatment. He basically has been focused on her the whole time and isn't giving this program a chance. Finally the place said he just wasn't cooperating, so he would need to move to a 2nd location they have to start over, or be kicked out. He agreed to move and we had him, his therapist and the old girlfriend talk on the phone. She supposedly made it clear the were over and he moved to the new place with a "clean slate". He has been there a little over a week and this Sunday was his once a week phone call and he calls the old girlfriend. I just see time clicking away and him making no progress - other than being sober - while we pay a huge sum of money. I'm leaving a lot out, but suffice it to say we get our hopes up with some grand letter/phone call/report from therapist or once a month visit - and the next minute our hopes are dashed when he threatens to leave, gets violent with staff, or just flat won't give up on this girl and not work his program. My husband just keeps saying we need to be patient, give him time, etc.. The treatment place started him back to step 1 (he was only on 4 after 2 months) and they were already preparing us that he would have to stay an additional month - now they are talking maybe another month - then pushing extended living and then sober living. We just don't have that kind of money, and I'm afraid my husband will do anything if he thinks he can save him from drugs. I'm feeling so resentful and selfish - because we worked hard for our money and we sacrificed so much for our kids. I had hoped we would be able to travel and do some things that we never did because we were saving for their educations, etc... We still pinch pennies around here and yet he is willing to spend all this money on our son's treatment. It is very loving and commendable and I think I could deal with it better if I thought our son was really trying. As a result, for the first time since I have known my husband, I'm having bad feelings about him. Our sex life is practically non-existent and it has always been wonderful. I feel so guilty because I know the problems between us are coming from me. He tries to be loving and caring - for me and our son. He is a great guy and I feel like such a selfish brat. We went to a family program the treatment center offered and I saw so many families that have been dealing with this for many years longer than we have. Everyone talked about all the relapses and multiple treatment centers.... I just don't think I can do that. For one thing, we don't have that kind of money. Is it "enabling" to provide treatment? They talked about enabling when the person is doing drugs and you are helping them with their bills, but what about when they are sober and in treatment? I mean it is also a form of enabling when they are staying in a nicer place than anyone else in the family is living, right? I don't have a pool, tennis courts, horses, cook, and get to sit around and discuss my problems all day. How far do we let this go? How do I start loving my husband again - like I use to? Thanks for reading; I mainly just need someone to talk to. I don't really have anyone other than my other kids and my husband and I need a friend. Thanks

Anaya

Welcome! I've found this site to be very helpful and there's lots of support and valuable information.

There are similarities in your current experience to my past experience, and my son, who is now 24, lives on his own and is responsible for his finances, etc. We are supportive but pretty much stay on our own side of the street these days. It seems better for all involved.

You ask "Is it enabling to provide treatment?" Though I don't regret having made attempts to help my son in the past in steering him towards treatment and providing financially, I eventually realized I was enabling him to stay dependent and not be accountable and realized he wasn't really interested in seeking recovery (at that time).

Check out the information in the threads in the sticky section at the top of this forum.

My best to you and your family.

anohurry

I'm new to this; this is my first post. Just been scanning the posts to find someone in a similar situation my wife and I are experiencing. Our only child, our son, is over 30, just finished his doctorate and has accepted a professorship on the other side of the earth. He is/was a recovering alcoholic, having stayed away for over a year. We have sense received two phone calls while he is suffering through withdrawal after binging on vodka to east his pain. We are thinking also of getting him into a recovery program over there, or convincing him and his wife to resign and return home so he can enter recovery here in the U.S. I will retire in a few weeks and we are worried about being wiped out financially by getting him into a recovery program. My wife and I have been arguing and things are not good right now in our relationship. I've had thoughts of divorce, but for goodness sake, we've been married for over 40 years! I'm scared. For him and for us. I'm the Dad; I've always fixed things; I don't know how to fix this. Down deep, I know my wife and I love each other and she doesn't expect me to be able to fix it.

CodeJob

Hello Need a friend 88!

Welcome to SR and thanks for posting your situation. I think you are very in tune with your feelings and resentments. I too was shocked to meet repeat (& repeat and repeat) flyers at the family program at my husband's rehab.

Personally I think your issue is allocating your family resources. I'm suspecting you want the resources allocated to each of your kids be somewhat equal, and rehab has blown that out the water?

I also totally get seeing trips just disappear before your eyes. I've yet to see Sydney Opera House, Europe, or any 'big' vacations grace my calendar.

You need to work this out with your husband and come to an agreement. You should work it out now before you sink even more money filled with resentment into a ever-changing rehab stay you have a lot of doubts about. You two need to talk it over and work out how you are going to wean his recovery away from your paychecks, savings and retirement.

I'm attaching a link to a blog that a counselor writes that I have found somewhat helpful. An addictions counselor might help you two draw this plan up and get you both to agree to it - especially if you think your opinion doesn't get a fair discussion.

Peace!

Blog | Family Recovery Resources, LLC

CodeJob

Hello AnoHurry! Your situation is quite different in that your son is a mature adult at age 30 with a spouse & a job. You are weeks from your retirement. This is a terribly stressful time in your life as it is! Change is stressful! Your money is allocated to support you and your spouse in retirement.

It's up to your son and his wife decide whether or not they are going to move or dig in and make it work where they are at. It's not your job to 'fix' your son's addiction.

Your responsibility is to work on your marriage. Figure out why you are fighting with your wife and considering divorce at this juncture. A counselor could help you transition and work through these issues.

I'd also recommend you try Al Anon meetings. There are some that are just for parents and they can be really, really helpful to know you aren't the only parent struggling with a child's addiction. Here's a link to find a meeting.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/find-a-meeting

I am attaching a link to some EXCELLENT articles on addiction by Dr. Floyd P Garrett. I printed out two of these and carried them around all highlighted for several months. Addiction, Lies and Relationships is probably my personal favorite.

The Addictive Process

I wish you peace, too!

NeedAFriend88

Thank you all for replying; until this situation with our son, I never "truly" understood what people with addiction in their families dealt with. It is making me much more understanding. I appreciate all of you who responded. One person, "Hummingbird---" sent me a private message; I wanted to reply to her, but it said I needed to have 5 posts before I could send a PM. ??? So, if you are reading this, that is why I haven't replied to you. But, I'm sorry for your situation; I relate pretty well because we too live in a small town and run a small business. The anonymity of people who live in a large urban area is helpful when times of crisis comes. Anyway, not sure how I can privately communicate with you, but know that I feel for your situation.
Now, concerning my son - still up and down. He is at least still in treatment - on day 95 now and on Step 4. They think he could complete treatment by mid-January and he is open to 3 months of sober living - praise God! Things between my husband and I are better. I just think the stress of the family program we attended was too much for me. We are both strong Christians and the secular garbage we heard there was a little too much. After a few weeks of prayer and reading God's Word I am much better. I truly am blessed and I know God is going to use these trials to not only restore our son and our family, but also to use us to help others. Prayers to all of you. God Bless!

JOIE12

post one more time, anything and you will be able to PM. I am sorry that this has come into your life. And I hope you will be able to talk to your husband about what is reasonable. You truly cannot SAVE anyone from their own decisions. If they wish to be in treatment / recovery - they will do it. I wiped out 160k enabling. It was a stupid thing to do given the odds and that it was my sacrifice, and not the addict's. Best wishes to you, Hugs, Joie

INgal

Boy, can I relate to this thread! It's been a 5 year roller coaster for us. Not without its good times on and off, but definitely our son has gotten the lion's share of attention. Somehow my husband is able to stay back while I tend to want to make everything better. It took a DUI and an IOP to truly bring me a little peace (although my radar is ALWAYS on and I worry nonstop ) however, the less I've gotten involved, the better he seems to be doing.

I'm so sorry for your pain. And I can relate to the money flying out the window. Sickening.