Leslie Catherine

I have been in the rooms of recovery for 25 years with one relapse and am now in my 5th year clean and sober. My brother is in the his 50's and has never been in recovery. He has been using since the 1060's. He has two forms of cancer as a result of using drugs and alcohol. He is a member of the Illinois Bar Association and has never practiced law or provided for his four children who are all grown and three out of four now have medical and legal problems with substance abuse. My brother has extreme financial, medical, legal wreckage on the verge of destruction as he has destroyed himself. He is the only man in a family of women and has used and abused us all. My mother is elderly and very wealthy and I feel she needs to be appraised of the situation so that she can make informed decisions and prepare herself for his demise which will probably happen sooner then later. I feel that I have that responsibility as I am the only family member in recovery and I want to shield the other family members from this tornado. I would really appreciate any feedback. Thank you.

Fluffer

Hi Catherine,

Sorry about your situation. I am a little confused by your story. You seem to say that your brother has been a mess and sponging off people his entire life so how does your mom not know of his issues? If she is rich, I assume he has been hitting her up for money all these years, no? And what are you trying to shield her from? To mentally prepare her for his early death or to shield her from his financial abuse?

Leslie Catherine

His wreckage is coming to a head. His upscale suburban home has been refinanced for the last time as he has used all the equity including the original substantial down payment given to him by our mother. Forclosure is impending.
I have informed my mother 2 years ago about all this wreckage legal, medical, and financial wreckage easily proven by the paper trail. I have only discussed this matter once with her. I also told her that celebrities with adult children who have a history of drug and alcohol abuse do not offer those children any financial assistance unless they pass a random urine test once a week indefinitely. I am so angry with him that I just try to stay detached and I feel guilty for being so angry. My issue with him is that on two occasions when I was hospitalized his actions were inappropriate and dangerous to my well being. One incident almost caused my death. He is dangerous to himself and others. I am the only person with the knowledge and information who can talk to her. I am trying to shield her from his early death and financial abuse.
Maybe she should just buy him a new house so he can finish killing himself with drugs and alcohol. Why should he be allowed to use up everyone's resources because of his unchecked substance abuse issues. He is a man who is using and abusing all the women in the family for money also. This is all so negative and hurtful all I have to say is don't shoot the messenger.

alterity

Catherine, You sound like you are in a tough spot. In the past, I have been privy to my brother's troubles when no one else in the family was aware. This was also during a time when our father was financially supporting him. It did not even occur to me back then to tell anyone until the time came when my brother was so far gone that intervention was necessary to protect himself and the public. Should I have told our dad earlier than that? I don't know. My brother trusted me and to talk about him without him knowing would have felt wrong. Not sure what else I can say to you that would be helpful. Good luck!

PlasticInsanity

First, a major pat on the back is in order for your 5 years. I know how stressful it can be watching your sibling destroy themselves with substances, while you're trying to work on your own recovery. It's made me question my higher power many times.

If your mother is unknowingly enabling your brother, then I would think she'd appreciate knowing the details. After you tell her, if she chooses to continue to give him money, then that's on her and is her decision alone. I've seen some family members enable the addict/alcoholic because they don't want to be "the bad guy".

JOIE12

it may help for her to realize that when we 'help' or 'enable' an addict, we are also carry the burden of their early death. It is a painful emotion to carry with us for the rest of our lives.

How would your mom feel if she knew someone else was helping him during a slow death ?

I think you should do what you believe is the best for the situation. I would rather have my mom and/or brother angry at me for trying to help than to live with the aftermath. Peace and strength to you, Hugs, Joie