seek

If you have any practical tips that have helped you, or are helping you cope on a day-to-day basis, if you have an alcoholic/substance abusing relative in your life that you cannot "divorce," please share them here.

I am really struggling and am looking for tips for ways to live in peace. I currently have worries present most of the time, but especially in the morning or when I awaken to go to the bathroom. My body goes into extreme fear and I wake up gagging . . . (and my dog has begun gagging too - not good).

I have spiritual beliefs that "we are all on our own paths," but those don't help when I have "scary thoughts" and my body reacts in terror.

I pray, use essential oils, had a CD made to try to get to my subconscious mind, use breathing techniques, etc. In the past I have gone to Alanon, but that is not something I enjoy or find useful. I would love to find a support group where I could vent and hear other people's solutions to practical problems (like having someone show up on your doorstep in need of detox).

How do you maintain your peace?
What kinds of thoughts do you think that bring you to peace even when your relative is going down a scary path?
When you think something scary and your body reacts in fear, how do you cope?
If you have detached or are in the process of detaching, what are the actual steps you use when things come up (when you get a phone call, hear bad news, are asked to engage in drama, etc.)?

Whatever practical day-to-day tips you can share are much appreciated. There is quite a bit written about the necessity of "letting go," but very few real life examples of HOW to do this as things come up or your feelings get engaged.

How do you stop worrying?
What do you do when your body goes into anxiety or sheer terror?
How do you cope on a day-to-day basis?
What has changed in your life in terms of your habits?

Please share what you do or have done to detach or find a way to live in peace. Please be as detailed as you can about the actual process.

Thank you.

seek

Problems:

1) I don't feel safe. Feel like a victim. Feel like my peace can easily be disturbed. How can I remedy this? (What specific things can I do?)
2) I have negative programming so that when the phone rings, I expect bad news. When I hear the person's voice, I expect they will want something from me. Therefore I go through the day not being able to relax because I feel vulnerable to being disturbed.
3) I have "scary thoughts" of worst-case scenarios (and they are not unlikely, given a particular trajectory). How are you able to function and enjoy your life - your food, your comfortable bed, etc., when you perceive someone you love is suffering? HOW do you live in peace? What are your thoughts?

seek

My problem has a lot to do with internal boundaries. Because I love this person so much, I feel vulnerable to their pain and their choices.

Also, in general, I cannot trust God or trust anything in life because this happened. I don't know what God does.

If you say, "Let go and Let God," what do you expect God actually does? In my experience, God doesn't *DO* anything.

Humans have free will.
We can't manipulate God to do stuff that we want or that we think is best.
Also, just saying "LET go, and LET God" - by using the word "Let," we are admitting WE are in charge and we are ALLOWING God to do whatever. That's a problem. God should do whatever he/she/it wants - we should not be telling God what we will allow and what we won't allow in terms of "letting" he/she/it take care of things.

See how my mind works?

It's hard to have peace under the circumstances.

BellaBlue

My AS cut off contact completely. Not sure where he is, although I think I know. Now as hard as that has been to accept, it keeps the crazy away from my door. I am horribly sad and grieve over the loss of relationship with a boy I tried hard to raise well. I have acknowledged that I may not see him alive again and while that is terribly frightening, it is out of my control.

So I try each day to find avenues of joy. Music, nature, exercise. I find gratitude in small, small things. Like maybe just the fact that I have the strength, ability and money to go to the grocery store on my own - so many people are in those electric carts - I can walk!!! I can make music I love on my instrument. I can go to nursing homes to play my music. I can sing in a church choir. I can play with my dog, read books, watch delightful movies.

I will never be really ok - I've lost too much and too many people to alcoholism. It shaped my life before I was even born and after through grandfather, father, husband, son. I can only take what and who I am now and offer it back to God for whatever time I have left on this earth.

Some days I succeed very well at this, some, not so much. But the bad moments are fewer, mainly because there is no contact. Nothing I said or did changed any of these people ... nothing, never. I could only save myself by breaking away (or in my son's case, being broken away from.)

I do believe God is at work. "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." That's from the book of Hebrews in the Bible. I try to leave my son in the hands of God and trust him for the outcome.

I do not find Alanon particularly helpful. The principles are good and sound, though. The meetings for me, not so much. In the opening statements, we are told "we do not discuss the alcoholic." WTF? Why did I come here, then.

seek

Ha ha about Alanon - also not a fan . . . it keeps me too focused on "the alcoholic" (and I don't need any help with that).

I am so glad you have found peace and that you have faith. I lack faith (obviously). I pray for it. I pray constantly. And yet, I am often in pain - I have to change my thinking, but I get sucked into fearful thoughts and lose days!

I am pretty sure I have PTSD related to this ongoing drama and trauma. I want to live in peace, so let's see if I can change my thoughts!

Anaya

As you know, there's lots of helpful information and support right here at this site. In the F&F of substance abusers, for example, in the sticky section, there are a number of threads that give thoughtful advice.

Over time and with lots of practice, I've noticed changes in myself, as I stubbornly refuse to go back to what was; it is a daily challenge. Triggers to trip me up abound - but still - I persist in practicing activities to keep my focus on becoming healthier and also remind myself that my life is precious, life is so short, and I really do want to try to steer clear (as much as I can!) of negativity.

I also realize that when I was smoking cigarettes (of course it goes without being said), the nicotine was contributing to upping my anxiety. Caffeine didn't help my situation either, though, I still drink some coffee daily.

Exercise, getting more rest, practicing mental exercises to redirect my thoughts, taking time out for enjoyable things I want to do, reading and considering helpful information from others who are recovering from codependency, and (very important) believing that I do deserve to be happy again - these are all strategies that have helped me. I had gone to NarAnon meetings in the past and did find those at the meetings to be supportive; though, my hearing loss limits my participation.

I have to say it is easier to do all of the above now that I am not living in the same house as my AS and also that I am working on keeping my boundaries in place. My job has kept me very busy lately, so I've not had a lot of time to think about my personal life and woes.

We're here for you and know your pain.

Fortunately, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Anaya

Adding to my post above - I somehow skipped the point that my belief in a higher power also helps me to cope. Praying and meditating in the morning have calmed me.

BellaBlue

seek, I hope I didn't make it sound like it was easy - it's not. Finding and maintaining peace feels somewhat precarious at times. For me, hope and help began with a physical disconnect from the A's in my life and their drama, which left me flying solo much of my life.

As to the PTSD, there may be something to that. I have recently had more arthritis symptoms and went to see a homeopath. He believes the uptick in symptoms is directly related to the upheaval with my AS during the past year.

CodeJob

Hi Seek,

You know what the recovery movement can offer you if you've been online here since 2011. You are doing quite a few 'alternative' stress relief as well. I don't feel comfortable telling you to truncate your thoughts with the Serenity Prayer when you are ALREADY doing this sort of stuff...

I don't know your age, but I've had women I know need antidepressants for awhile due to anxiety and/or depression arising either at menopause or when they stop hormone replacement therapy. Please consider seeing your MD. Print your list of problems above and take them in, but specifically ask about the gagging.

I just wonder if you have something medical going on in addition to a family riddled with addiction that is wearing you out.

Concerned about you, Seek!

farfaraway

The best thing for me was to remove myself from the situation. I moved very far away. I don't contact anyone in my family. Once in awhile my mother calls me. If I feel like I can't handle the worst of what she could have to say, I don't need to pick up the phone. Basically I have changed my life around that I control all my buttons. There are no places we used to visit, or old friends to trigger memories.

Also, I make sure I sweat on a regular basis. I lift the heaviest weights I can at the gym, run like hell, and sweat out the rest in the sauna. It's not possible for me to feel tense after that.

alterity

seek, I also feel like I have some sort of ptsd that comes and goes when crises show up. I have found that it really helps to turn off my phone at night so I can unwind. Emergencies in my family always will get communicated to me by phone. Also, since I have been in touch regularly with my B's (addicted brother) "caretaker" of sorts (family friend he currently resides with) via a texting app on my ipad, I have just started to also turn off the ipad at night as well.

This definitely helps give me "space" and detachment, though I do find myself craving the urge to turn the devices on "to check." It's something, though.

Anaya

Seek: How have you been? I've read your posts in this thread and others, can relate, and know it can be a struggle to detach and find peace.

Hoping the positive strategies you've been practicing are helping you attain some peace.

One day at a time.

NSH

I too moved away from my family. It was for my own emotional well-being. I cut contact and moved on with MY life. While I don't have an family so-to-speak where I live, I have several extremely close friends that more than make up for the lack of sharing genetics. I'm on my own but I'm out of the daily drama and heartache surrounded with an addicted sibling an enabling mother and grandfather. I'm angry and hurt but I don't let it run or ruin me. I had to move on for ME! If I don't look out for me, no one else will, right?