ME and MY Feelings . . . You Can Join in if you Wish
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I have realized a few things:
1) I have accepted a role as a bit player in the alcoholic's drama and I want to resign my part.
2) To have peace, I have to accept the worst possible scenario (won't go into details because I am superstitious).
3) I must think positive (not in conflict with the above which is just a realization). I am prone to rumination and worry and that makes my life miserable.
4) I don't have to accept being bullied (due to my fear of speaking up and the domino effect it could have).
I woke up today quite anxious and worried and I do not want to live that way. I have to train my mind to think other thoughts, as compelling as the worrisome thoughts are.
I am just a speck in the alcoholic's universe (mostly to be used when convenient). In contrast, the alcoholic is a huge protagonist in my story and I want to rewrite that.
1) I have accepted a role as a bit player in the alcoholic's drama and I want to resign my part.
2) To have peace, I have to accept the worst possible scenario (won't go into details because I am superstitious).
3) I must think positive (not in conflict with the above which is just a realization). I am prone to rumination and worry and that makes my life miserable.
4) I don't have to accept being bullied (due to my fear of speaking up and the domino effect it could have).
I woke up today quite anxious and worried and I do not want to live that way. I have to train my mind to think other thoughts, as compelling as the worrisome thoughts are.
I am just a speck in the alcoholic's universe (mostly to be used when convenient). In contrast, the alcoholic is a huge protagonist in my story and I want to rewrite that.
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Originally Posted by seek 
In contrast, the alcoholic is a huge protagonist in my story and I want to rewrite that.
I do believe in a higher power and I began to really think about the concept of free will. The more I thought about, the more empowered I felt. Just because the addict in my life was going down a dark path, didn't mean I had to follow him, even though he tried to convince me otherwise (misery loves company). I so wanted him to choose recovery but I learned the hard way that this was something out of my control. It was like trying to control the weather....not going to happen.
I started to change my way of thinking and focused on all the things I was grateful for. For example:
1. My health. I enjoy running and while running I'm so grateful for the legs that carry me during my run, the lungs that help me breathe without any difficulty, the eyes that help me see where I'm going, etc. and just my overall ability to move without any pain.
2. Natural beauty of the world. Things like feeling the warmth of the sun, seeing mountains, the vastness of the oceans....all of this reminds me that they were created by a higher power. And then I would think "What made me think I could go up against (or know better) than the being that created all of this?" It was humbling for me to acknowledge this.
3. Family/friends. We may not always get along, but I have been blessed with good people in my life. In fact, the good people far outweigh the negative people in my life.
4. Basic necessities like food and water. My parents grew up poor and went hungry for a big part of their childhood. They both had siblings that died due to malnutrition. I don't have to worry about that. I can walk into any grocery story and buy whatever I want and as much as I want. Sometimes I'll look at all the food and think about the millions of people that would love to have the opportunity to be in my shoes (even with all my problems).
I'm grateful for more things but I think you get the idea.
The more grateful I am, the less room for resentment and anger.
And yes, there are times when I still ask "Why?" especially when I see something bad happen to good or innocent people. And for this I have come to the conclusion that many of my questions will not be answered in this lifetime. Once I remind myself of this, I can let it go and try to move on.
Going through this process didn't happen overnight, and it's something I need to make a conscious effort to make. But it has gotten easier and my life has gotten so much more peaceful.
Last edited by Sara21; 06-20-2015 at 10:10 PM. Reason: spelling
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Sara21: I hope I get there. I am apparently a very slow learner 
I have a hard time with feeling gratitude (I can think it, but feeling it is difficult), because the things I want (healthy family) are not happening and I am wounded over that and all of the bad memories . . . today I am feeling a lot of grief and sadness. Missing my dad (who was a wonderful person) and feeling sad that the people in my life whom I love so much have such power to destroy me (I know that is my fault - I am trying to work with that - I love them too much and am too affected by them).
I have a hard time with feeling gratitude (I can think it, but feeling it is difficult), because the things I want (healthy family) are not happening and I am wounded over that and all of the bad memories . . . today I am feeling a lot of grief and sadness. Missing my dad (who was a wonderful person) and feeling sad that the people in my life whom I love so much have such power to destroy me (I know that is my fault - I am trying to work with that - I love them too much and am too affected by them).
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Part of my problem is my concept of a higher power - I do believe in a Creator who made the universe, but the Creator has no time for me and the many others who suffer on the Earth. I do believe we are here for a reason and that I will discover what that was once back on the other side.
It is a problematic belief system.
It is a problematic belief system.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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It took me YEARS to get to where I am, so I know a thing or two about being a slow learner.
I'm sorry you're going through so much grief and sadness right now, sending you a big hug. It's ok to feel these emotions, you've probably been through a lot and at some point we feel like we can't take it anymore. One of the things I struggled with is the idea that I was going through such hell and it wasn't even me that had an addiction problem. Even though I said no to drugs and alcohol, they still screwed up my life. It just seemed totally unfair that I had to pay the price for someone else's mistakes.
Like I said, it's ok to feel the pain and resentment. I just had to make sure that those feelings didn't consume my entire life and rob me of more than what the addiction had already taken. I basically got angry enough to say "fu** you" to addiction and I used that anger to fight back and regain control of MY life. Not anyone else's, just mine. I live and let live. I also had to learn to let go of my ego as well and the idea that I could save people or that they needed me to fix their life. If I could save someone from addiction, believe me, I would have waved my magic wand a long time and saved everybody from addiction. I'm just not that powerful and I never was. Like I said, it was a very humbling experience. Don't get me wrong, I'll support my loved ones like crazy, but in a supporting role, meaning at some point they have to step up and take the lead themselves in whatever problem they're in.
I didn't realize how screwed up my life was until I stepped away from the addict in my life . For the first time in a long time, I was actually sleeping through the night. My appetite was getting back to normal and my anxiety levels dropped significantly. I actually had someone (who had no idea what was going on in my personal life) come up to me and say "You look great! Your face is glowing." I was stunned to know the toll that being involved with an addict had taken on me not only internally, but externally as well.
If the addict in your life is a child, it may be harder to step away from the chaos, but you can still try to minimize it. Even if you can't step away from them at the moment, you can try to minimize contact for your own well being. We're not much help to anyone if we ourselves are not in a good place, physically and mentally.
I'm sorry you're going through so much grief and sadness right now, sending you a big hug. It's ok to feel these emotions, you've probably been through a lot and at some point we feel like we can't take it anymore. One of the things I struggled with is the idea that I was going through such hell and it wasn't even me that had an addiction problem. Even though I said no to drugs and alcohol, they still screwed up my life. It just seemed totally unfair that I had to pay the price for someone else's mistakes.
Like I said, it's ok to feel the pain and resentment. I just had to make sure that those feelings didn't consume my entire life and rob me of more than what the addiction had already taken. I basically got angry enough to say "fu** you" to addiction and I used that anger to fight back and regain control of MY life. Not anyone else's, just mine. I live and let live. I also had to learn to let go of my ego as well and the idea that I could save people or that they needed me to fix their life. If I could save someone from addiction, believe me, I would have waved my magic wand a long time and saved everybody from addiction. I'm just not that powerful and I never was. Like I said, it was a very humbling experience. Don't get me wrong, I'll support my loved ones like crazy, but in a supporting role, meaning at some point they have to step up and take the lead themselves in whatever problem they're in.
I didn't realize how screwed up my life was until I stepped away from the addict in my life . For the first time in a long time, I was actually sleeping through the night. My appetite was getting back to normal and my anxiety levels dropped significantly. I actually had someone (who had no idea what was going on in my personal life) come up to me and say "You look great! Your face is glowing." I was stunned to know the toll that being involved with an addict had taken on me not only internally, but externally as well.
If the addict in your life is a child, it may be harder to step away from the chaos, but you can still try to minimize it. Even if you can't step away from them at the moment, you can try to minimize contact for your own well being. We're not much help to anyone if we ourselves are not in a good place, physically and mentally.
Last edited by Sara21; 06-21-2015 at 11:41 AM. Reason: typo
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Yes - all good wisdom. I have a God complex and an ego problem . . . the God complex stems from my childhood wounding and beliefs that there is no personal God who cares, so I have to step up and do what I can . . . I have a long history of "doing" stuff that appears to have been "helpful," so it's hard to understand my role.
And the Dalai Lama says the purpose in life is to "help others" - it's all very confusing to me. And of course if it is family, you do not want to turn your back on people (I have had people do that to me and it is devastating). I am too loyal (at my own expense).
Working on it . . .
Reading "Letting Go," by David Hawkins . . . I have never doubted the wisdom of doing so, but it is always discussed in the abstract, philosophically, as you "should" let go, with no instruction how to do so with real life situations (people calling you with bad news, knocking on your door, etc.)
And the Dalai Lama says the purpose in life is to "help others" - it's all very confusing to me. And of course if it is family, you do not want to turn your back on people (I have had people do that to me and it is devastating). I am too loyal (at my own expense).
Working on it . . .
Reading "Letting Go," by David Hawkins . . . I have never doubted the wisdom of doing so, but it is always discussed in the abstract, philosophically, as you "should" let go, with no instruction how to do so with real life situations (people calling you with bad news, knocking on your door, etc.)
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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I'm sad and scared that I'll continue to find codependent relationships. Almost all family relationships in my life are codependent. I'm angry that I was given such terrible examples. I'm sick of having to the responsible one. I'm also sick of people thinking I'm mean for emotionally detaching. My needs matter.
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Originally Posted by Sara21
I didn't realize how screwed up my life was until I stepped away from the addict in my life . For the first time in a long time, I was actually sleeping through the night. My appetite was getting back to normal and my anxiety levels dropped significantly. I actually had someone (who had no idea what was going on in my personal life) come up to me and say "You look great! Your face is glowing." I was stunned to know the toll that being involved with an addict had taken on me not only internally, but externally as well.
If the addict in your life is a child, it may be harder to step away from the chaos, but you can still try to minimize it. Even if you can't step away from them at the moment, you can try to minimize contact for your own well being. We're not much help to anyone if we ourselves are not in a good place, physically and mentally.
Second paragraph - Excellent points, points well taken.
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First off, I'm sorry you're in so much pain. Sending you lots of hugs.
This quote of yours shows self awareness on your part. You KNOW that the examples shown to you were terrible. A lot of people don't have this self awareness and continue going with the flow because to them this is normal and they don't see anything wrong with these types of behaviors.
I hear you. When my XAH was deep in his addiction, pretty much all of the household responsibilities fell on me. It was sad to know that I couldn't count on my partner for even some of the basic requests. I always had to be the responsible one and it would have been nice to be able to count on him every now and then (like in most healthy relationships).
Change (whether it's for good or bad) is hard for many of us and by you detaching from some people, it is changing the dynamics in the relationship. If making positive changes in my life leads to resentment from certain people, that just validates my decision to detach from them even more. I've gotten better at maintaining certain boundaries with toxic people in my life and I feel a lot better. If they want to join me on this journey, great. If they're trying to bring me down, I detach and move on without them, with the hope that they can always join me later on. You shouldn't feel guilty for trying to live a happy and peaceful life.
Originally Posted by Ap052183
I'm angry that I was given such terrible examples.
Originally Posted by Ap052183
I'm sick of having to the responsible one.
Originally Posted by Ap052183
I'm also sick of people thinking I'm mean for emotionally detaching. My needs matter.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 584
It kills me that I couldnt "fix him". It horrifys me to think soon when I see him it will be behind steel bars. I hate keeping my feelings bottled up for fear that if I let them out, and cry I may never be able to stop. I dread when well meaning friends ask how we are doing and pretent to understand when they don't have a clue. Most of all my heart aches everyday for the son I will never know, the one that should have been, before addiction.
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It's just about a year now since AS came here to "get well," went into rehab for a very short stay and quickly relapsed. He left in the fall and has never spoken to any of the family since. Why? Who knows. We did all we could to help, but he chose to stay in his addiction.
How do I answer people who ask about my children? Do I have a son? There is no relationship. How could he do this to me? I remember walking him on his paper route, taking him for music lessons, encouraging him in whatever sport he wanted to try. I remember laboring in a room in the hospital, even the clock on the wall. I remember breastfeeding him and his little red hat with a feather. I still have a red jumpsuit I made for him when he was two with race car buttons.
Will I ever see him alive again?
How do I answer people who ask about my children? Do I have a son? There is no relationship. How could he do this to me? I remember walking him on his paper route, taking him for music lessons, encouraging him in whatever sport he wanted to try. I remember laboring in a room in the hospital, even the clock on the wall. I remember breastfeeding him and his little red hat with a feather. I still have a red jumpsuit I made for him when he was two with race car buttons.
Will I ever see him alive again?
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My two cents on this great topic
I love to talk and vent, but I found out it is not enough.
I have lived a life of hidden hostility, righteous indignation, martyrdom, "caring for others" (euphemism for playing God), not because I was a bad person, but because at some point in my life those characteristics helped me survive
I was miserable until few years ago, when I discovered that all of the above was an attempt at absolute control of my life, since I felt absolutely out of control when I was growing up> I had no idea then.
Now, when something bothers me, I try to find out how I feel beneath the anger or anxiety> it is usually fear or hurt. I try to "be" with the feeling, even when it sucks, I tell myself it will pass but don't rush it through. I am learning to accept and tolerate my distress, and it gets easier
And no self judgement allowed!
P.S> How do I stop pontificating?
I love to talk and vent, but I found out it is not enough.
I have lived a life of hidden hostility, righteous indignation, martyrdom, "caring for others" (euphemism for playing God), not because I was a bad person, but because at some point in my life those characteristics helped me survive
I was miserable until few years ago, when I discovered that all of the above was an attempt at absolute control of my life, since I felt absolutely out of control when I was growing up> I had no idea then.
Now, when something bothers me, I try to find out how I feel beneath the anger or anxiety> it is usually fear or hurt. I try to "be" with the feeling, even when it sucks, I tell myself it will pass but don't rush it through. I am learning to accept and tolerate my distress, and it gets easier
And no self judgement allowed!
P.S> How do I stop pontificating?
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I am having a really hard time with depression/sadness/negative thoughts/despair related to the fact that I feel tied to this person. It's a trust issue and he can't be trusted is one aspect . . . I just can't figure out how not to be a victim because I care so much (and because I am still supporting him when he is sober - now in rehab and then in an SLE).
I am trying not to future trip, but it is really a struggle.
In Alanon they say you can be happy "whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not," and I don't "get" that and don't believe it (because there is so much destruction and trauma around drinking . . . )
I have good days and bad days and have been having bad days. My body aches with emotional pain. I do get massage but it doesn't help much. I do other things too . . . nothing helps.
I'm feeling "helpless and hopeless" at the moment.
In the big picture, I "believe" that everything is okay, and I also work with accepting "life on life's terms," but today I am struggling and uncomfortable. Underneath the body aches and discomfort is anger/fear/grief - you name it.
I am trying not to future trip, but it is really a struggle.
In Alanon they say you can be happy "whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not," and I don't "get" that and don't believe it (because there is so much destruction and trauma around drinking . . . )
I have good days and bad days and have been having bad days. My body aches with emotional pain. I do get massage but it doesn't help much. I do other things too . . . nothing helps.
I'm feeling "helpless and hopeless" at the moment.
In the big picture, I "believe" that everything is okay, and I also work with accepting "life on life's terms," but today I am struggling and uncomfortable. Underneath the body aches and discomfort is anger/fear/grief - you name it.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
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I feel doomed. I made a choice long ago to create a life where I don't have addicts around me all the time and it has failed. I chose to avoid all alcohol or drugs, yet I can't seem to find respite from addicts. I can't seem to outrun this monster called addiction.
I am utterly disappointed that this is what my life is.
I am moving on, I am creating a new normal, but it isn't the normal I wanted and so I am grieving.
It really pisses me off when my family tries to tell me that one drink won't turn me into an alcoholic. They are are all idiots. No one every plans to become an alcoholic. Even the sober ones pressure me. grr.
I am utterly disappointed that this is what my life is.
I am moving on, I am creating a new normal, but it isn't the normal I wanted and so I am grieving.
It really pisses me off when my family tries to tell me that one drink won't turn me into an alcoholic. They are are all idiots. No one every plans to become an alcoholic. Even the sober ones pressure me. grr.
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I'm no poster child for al/nar-anon because of my skepticism. I have too many doubts about higher powers, though I understand the comfort faith can provide. My lack of faith frustrates me. I wish I had more. I know it would help me deal with my family troubles so much better. Just as would believing in the Cs. But I don't, at least not enough.
I have some anger, like others have posted here, but mine is mostly directed towards our society. The US has a voracious appetite for drugs. The US is the most overfed and undernourished nation with its standard American diet. I mention this because I believe that people partially seek drugs of abuse and alcohol to "rebalance" neurotransmitters that are out of whack. (Food-mood connection has been well established.) Why do we get so surprised when we have mass shootings, police who are out of control, riots, thuggery, rampant poverty, sexual abuse, and extremely low performing schools (compared to the rest of the industrialized world)? I'm not the least surprised at the direction this country is heading.
I hate not having the answers to my family's problems nor solutions to the problems of this world. Dealing with the system a couple of weeks ago as I did, the insanity of the hospital-drug court-designer drugs-etc., made me realize how fortunate I am to have the blessed life I have and by the grace of God (I do have *some* faith) go I.
As frustrated as I get with my AB as well as my alcoholic dad, I still love them very much.
I have some anger, like others have posted here, but mine is mostly directed towards our society. The US has a voracious appetite for drugs. The US is the most overfed and undernourished nation with its standard American diet. I mention this because I believe that people partially seek drugs of abuse and alcohol to "rebalance" neurotransmitters that are out of whack. (Food-mood connection has been well established.) Why do we get so surprised when we have mass shootings, police who are out of control, riots, thuggery, rampant poverty, sexual abuse, and extremely low performing schools (compared to the rest of the industrialized world)? I'm not the least surprised at the direction this country is heading.
I hate not having the answers to my family's problems nor solutions to the problems of this world. Dealing with the system a couple of weeks ago as I did, the insanity of the hospital-drug court-designer drugs-etc., made me realize how fortunate I am to have the blessed life I have and by the grace of God (I do have *some* faith) go I.
As frustrated as I get with my AB as well as my alcoholic dad, I still love them very much.
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Originally Posted by Sara21
Change (whether it's for good or bad) is hard for many of us and by you detaching from some people, it is changing the dynamics in the relationship. If making positive changes in my life leads to resentment from certain people, that just validates my decision to detach from them even more. I've gotten better at maintaining certain boundaries with toxic people in my life and I feel a lot better. If they want to join me on this journey, great. If they're trying to bring me down, I detach and move on without them, with the hope that they can always join me later on. You shouldn't feel guilty for trying to live a happy and peaceful life.
Wishing you well on your journey.
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"feeling sad that the people in my life whom I love so much have such power to destroy me (I know that is my fault - I am trying to work with that - I love them too much and am too affected by them). "
This, so much this! Thank you.
The last several days, I am feeling lonely and frustrated and devalued on so many levels. It has made impatient with my kids, useless at work and at home and just generally depressed and bitter - attractive, huh? lol!
Fortunately (and ironically!), one of the things I've felt pushed me down the priority list for certain people in my life have left my afternoon unexpectedly free to attend one of my alanon meetings. I would not have been able to attend this meeting had the plans remained as they were when we made them. HP maybe? - I have a hard time with the faith aspect of the program still but gotta give credit ... So, I will go and try to get my head together a little.
This, so much this! Thank you.
The last several days, I am feeling lonely and frustrated and devalued on so many levels. It has made impatient with my kids, useless at work and at home and just generally depressed and bitter - attractive, huh? lol!
Fortunately (and ironically!), one of the things I've felt pushed me down the priority list for certain people in my life have left my afternoon unexpectedly free to attend one of my alanon meetings. I would not have been able to attend this meeting had the plans remained as they were when we made them. HP maybe? - I have a hard time with the faith aspect of the program still but gotta give credit ... So, I will go and try to get my head together a little.
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