heidisgirl

Hi everyone - this is my first time ever posting in an online forum. Please forgive me as I'm sure there is a learning curve.

I found this site in looking for some support for my current situation. I feel so hurt and lost.

My father has been an alcoholic my whole life. Growing up there was fighting between him and my mom, jail time, and instability. As with many children of alcoholics, I deal with anxiety and depression of my own. I finally found happiness when I married my husband at the age of 24 and moved out on my own for the first time in my life. Though I didn't move far, so I still dealt with the drama and supported my hurting mother who was still stuck in the situation. My father has gone through periods of sobriety - most recently about 3 years ago where he was finally diagnosed with biopolar disorder and depression. In January of 2014 my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I moved in shortly after (with my husband and then 3 year old son) to help my father care for her. She pass away in April of 2014. It devastated our family. She was our rock. Dad started drinking again right away. Since her passing, we have sold his house and moved into a larger home - him, myself, my husband, and my son. He has been drinking ever since. He has tried sobering up a few times. I am at a loss out how to handle it. He is not violent. But he is undependable. He doesn't help around the house. He can't help care for our son (for obvious reasons). He is basically just a body in the house who smells like beer.

Anyone have some advice? I feel like it is my obligation as his daughter to care for him. He hasn't crossed any lines to where he has jeopardized my son. But I fear that day will come as I know from my own experiences growing up with him that he can become crazy. He has no other family. I am an only child. My husband is supportive thus far, but I do fear this coming between us. I want to protect my husband and son from the anxiety and depression my father's alcoholism has created within me.

Thanks for listening.

Morning Glory

Welcome heidisgirl,

How old is your father? What kind of care do you provide for him?

heidisgirl

Thanks, Morning Glory.

My dad is 61. I handle his meds (for bipolar and depression), I manage his finances, and keep on top of his doctors appointments. As well as all his household chores like laundry.

When he is sober (goes 1-2 weeks at a time which seems just long enough to get my hopes up) he is extremely helpful around the house (hes an ex carpenter) and is great with my son. I love the man he is when hes sober. he refuses the idea of rehab or therapy.

i just need tips on coping with living with him while still managing my own family.

Morning Glory

None us can do this alone so I would suggest the first step would be to find support. I looked up Al-anon meetings in your area and found one.

http://ma-al-anon-alateen.org/

Thursday 7:30PM CLINTON Clinton Hospital, 201 Highland St, 2nd Fl Conference Room

You can also call 888-4AL-ANON (888-425-2666 and ask for meeting locations.

You said your father can become "crazy". What is his behavior when that happens? Do you think the bipolar meds are helping with that?

greeteachday

I agree that getting support is a critical first step and coming here plus finding in person support will be so beneficial. Given his choices, it's pretty hard to find any way that all of you will not be impacted by his drinking. Is there any possibility that your home can be modified in such a way that he has his own living area? I realize this may be an expensive proposition if it isn't easily done, but my initial thought was if he had a private area where he can go when he chooses to drink, it may help alleviate some of the front row seat drama for you and your family. I'm so sorry that you lost your mom and are facing this additional challenge.

Seren

Hello and Welcome! That certainly is an incredible amount of stress, and I'm just so sorry!

Is there anyway that your Dad might qualify for some sort of assistance that can be used to hire help in caring for him a couple of days a week? That might also be a way of providing you with some much-needed relief.

Please do not hesitate to come here and vent and ask questions at any time. You might also try finding a local ACoA group near you (Adult Children of Alcoholics) for support along with Al-Anon.

Sending out prayers for you and your whole family.

heidisgirl

Thanks all. Sometimes it just helps to know that people are going through similar situations. Its hard not to feel so alone in this battle, but I know lots of others have similar struggles.

I've been thinking about the Alanon meeting in my hometown for months. And I suppose this is where my dad's drinking has become my problem with my own obstacles to overcome. I get angry when I think about going to the meeting because "I'm a busy woman with a husband and son and household to maintain. I can't take time out of my busy life to get help for HIS problem!" I know this is the wrong way to look at it. I know that my anxieties and worry over my dad's drinking is my co-dependence which is my "drug" And that I need to get help for my addiction... So maybe I should just bite the bullet and go.

Thanks for the encouragement and comfort. It means a lot to me. Also thanks for the prayers. After reading through some of the threads, please know that all of you have been in my prayers also.

Morning Glory

We are here for you. Sometimes it just helps to post about daily struggles
so you don't feel alone.

Refiner

Sorry for what you're going through, Heidisgirl. 61 isn't very old. Is there a reason you have to dole out his meds, do his finances and laundry? Why can't he live on his own?

jenpi813

So sorry about your mom and the added burden of your dad's addiction. I cannot advise you as to what to do. Can share my story. I am a 63 yr old woman who moved back home 4 years ago to care for mom who is now 90. My brother is 60 yrs old and a life long opiate addict who never left home and never seriously dealt with his addiction. We all live in separate apartments in same small family home. Mom is an enabler and addicted to "protecting" her son. Mom is still functioning inside the house OK. No health aid yet. It has been extremely difficult for me. I am getting as much support as possible for myself (individual therapy, online/offline support groups). I have set boundaries because it is painful to be around my brother and mom as well. Being in the house I grew up in has also brought up a lot of old wounds from my childhood. If there was a way I could move out and have mom and the house protected I would. But I am the only one right now and I cannot walk away from my mother and live with myself. I am trying to live my life as fully as possible. Detaching with love from both brother and mom. Trying to get mom out of the house to socialize but she won't go. I realized that I am addicted to getting my mom to realize that she is an enabler. She refuses to see that and will never kick him out of the house. I am working on my own behaviors that are not useful in this kind of situation. Taking care of protecting me, mom, my dog, house etc. Focusing on my life. Venting and getting support helps. Not only a day at a time but sometimes a moment at a time. My mindfulness meditation practice helps. Even in the midst of this nightmare I am finding moments of happiness and peace. Living the question(s) finds your own way.

alterity

I'm with jenpi813, meditation is great.