How do my parents survive through my adult sister's addiction chaos?

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06-10-2015, 10:50 AM

# 21 (permalink)

BellaBlue

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Join Date: Feb 2015

Posts: 146

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoneGirl

pilotlady -

... I have mixed feelings about groups like that - it sounds like a lot of parents get a lot out of them, but isn't it like re-opening a wound, one that you're trying to let heal (albeit unsuccessfully!)? ..

I feel this way when I go to Al Anon. I may be having a good day (or week), rising above the hurt and pain to live my life. Then when I get to the meeting, I feel horrid. We are not to talk about the alcoholic, only how the program helps us. It feels very weird to me. I don't think I'm in denial, I know what my AS's behavior has caused me. But to sit and dwell doesn't do me any good.

06-14-2015, 05:27 PM

# 22 (permalink)

GoneGirl

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Join Date: May 2015

Location: Australia

Posts: 12

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bern

GoneGirl, my family is so similar to yours! My sister (alcoholic and compulsive gambler) is 38 and my parents are in their 60s, nearing retirement but consumed by my sister, and have been for many years.

It's great that you are reading the Melody Beattie books. Big eye-openers for me. I also learned a lot about the "family roles" in an addicted family. Your parents have roles - probably rotate from being victims and heroes/rescuers - as do you. Learning about these roles has given me a LOT of insight into my own behavior and reactions, as well as that of my parents and sister. I still struggle with it on a daily basis, don't get me wrong! Finding a good therapist has been a life saver for me. Hugs to you.

Bern - I'm sorry to hear of your family's struggles with your sister - it does sound all too familiar, so I know how hard it can be... The ironic thing about me reading the Melody Beattie books is that I was actually reading them FOR my parents to see how I could help them and offer some more pearls of wisdom and support - and in reading them, I've found that I'm as codependent with them, as they are with my sister! All this time, they've been watching her and I've been watching them - exactly the same situation, just with different uncontrollable codie behaviour... I'm becoming a lot more aware that I am trying too hard to lead, encourage and manipulate them to act a certain way and take their pain on board, when the reality is that they are on their own journey and I am just a (loving) observer. I think it's maybe time for me to lead by example and possibly even let them know in a nice way that although I feel their pain and understand their predicament, I refuse to let my relationship with them be defined by my sister's addiction, and that I'm going to step away from trying to be a guidance counsellor and back to an observer.

It is quite a realisation that all these years I've been preaching to them the way they preach to her. And also worth noting that I moved away from all of them a couple of years ago for work and lifestyle, but perhaps subconsiously it was a little more than that? Perhaps subconsiously I knew I needed to get some distance and perspective...

06-14-2015, 05:32 PM

# 23 (permalink)

GoneGirl

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Join Date: May 2015

Location: Australia

Posts: 12

Also - I'm pleased to say that my Mum and Dad are now on a month long holiday, driving across Australia to see me! I thought they might have packed it in too scared to leave her for that length of time, but they're well on their way now! Hoping that with some distance they can get a glimpse of an uncomplicated life and some perspective on how to move forwards...