INgal

Just when I thought we might be turning a corner, I get a call from my AS's girlfriend (now ex) to come pick him up at her house because they had been at a bar, where he threw back multiple beers and shots and was being verbally abusive. I said "WHAT??? How can that be? He's taking a drug that would make him very sick if he drank" (of course he never told her about this or that he attends an IOP ).

My husband picked him up and he didn't speak in the car or until the next day. After venting all of my feelings, and saying all the usual terrible (but true) things I was feeling, I find out that he was pretending to swallow the Antabuse...apparently keeping it in his hand until I walked away.

I feel so f'ing stupid, used, incompetent. He started doing this a month ago, when I must have started letting down my guard.

I guess we all know where this leads. At this point, we have a family meeting at the IOP tomorrow. Many thought are going through my head "should he quit the IOP?" I'm paying through the nose (bad insurance). It's an excellent IOP though, and I can see that he has improved in some ways, although always going back to square one. He lost his license in January due to a DUI. He works for our family business, and actually it's the best thing he does. He is reliable throughout the week. We are so torn.

As of last Sunday, he was back on the full dose of Antabuse and on his best behavior. I just don't know how much more I can take. I never though I could hate and love someone so much at the same time.

I'm sorry this is so long. I took a borderline personality disorder quiz and I see that he has nearly every single trait. Should I bring this up in the family meeting? Is it a moot point because he just sabotages himself anyway?

Yesterday he finally read all the Rational Recovery info and he seems to relate to it, although he said the thought of never drinking again is sad.

Sorry for this disjointed post. My mind is all over the place. There are times when I know in my heart he will NEVER have a normal life. Then, I see the positives and I think, it's JUST a matter of not drinking. I am detaching, bit by bit. If I completely detach, throw him out, fire him, etc..I am positive it will be the end of his life. He is childlike in some of his naïveté. The AlAnon in me says to let it all go, but I would have to be untrue to my core values. I was brought up to be nurturing, involved, etc. My kids would tell me how much their friends wished I was their mom. (I wasn't permissive, but I always welcomed their friends to our house). I have hardened to the point where my good friends notice. I don't want to slide further.

Thanks for listening. Just letting me put this out there is helpful. I cannot believe this is happening.

Morning Glory

The hardest time for me is always after I've had a break from all of it.
It's hard to gather up the tools again and my brain goes into a fog for a couple of weeks. I understand what it's like to hate and love at the same time.