"Everyone says they want to help....but no one ever does anything!"
 

Do you hear/have you heard this from a member of your family who struggles with addiction? We have heard this quite often from my stepson.

We also hear from his equally or nearly equally alcoholic "friends" that we have all abandoned him.

It is painful to hear. It makes us question whether or not we have actually done all we can to help him. It preys upon or greatest fears and insecurities....and our guilt.

What my husband and I have learned to do over the years is not argue with my stepson, because even with an enormous body of evidence about all the things we have done to try to help him, he will ALWAYS complain that it is not enough as long as he is active in his addiction.

You see, "help" to my stepson is very different from what would actually help him. He wants someone to provide him with a place to live, buy him a car and a phone, pay for gas and insurance and his data and minutes, buy his food and cook it for him, do his laundry, provide him with spending money so he can play "big man in town", and not hassle him about his drinking and/or drug use.

These are things we will NOT do....he is over 30 years old, and it's time for him to learn to live life on life's terms. We won't be around forever to clean up after him.

To keep the FOG at bay (feelings of fear, obligation, and guilt), we remind ourselves of the things we have done to try to help him find his way forward.

We have encouraged and helped arrange counseling, rehab, sober living. We have paid outstanding hospital bills from 3 hospitalizations related to his alcoholism. We have bought him clothes and shoes when he lost everything. The list goes on and on.

What we still do is tell him we love him every chance we have. He rarely acknowledges this during his belligerent, self-pitying periods, but we hope that somehow he takes it in.

If you are going through something like this with a family member who is active in their addiction....I get it. I think most of us do. Please know that what you are hearing is the addiction talking. Our loved ones are in there somewhere, but right now, the addiction is in charge.

Sending peace and love and light to all!:ring

Words of wisdom from a dear fellow Mod....

Words she shared with her recovering daughter.

You are so very right. When I was descending into my own alcoholism I knew I needed help. But instead of reaching out for it I pointed the finger and blamed my husband instead. I had to hit my bottom.

You and your husband have gone above and beyond. You really have. Try to find comfort in that

Thank you. Heard it so many times... "I cannot believe you won't help
me anymore". Never a thank-you for all I have done. Not sure if he will
ever get it.

I was in the same position as your step son when I was on heroin. I expected my parents to just keep supporting me despite what I was doing. I was homeless and in and out of jail, and at first my parents gave me money, and bought me things when I would call. But then they quit letting me even come in their home, they refused to give me money, and they left me sit in jail. I thank them for it today, and realize it was the wake up call I needed. He will thank you for it later. It is his addiction talking when he blames you. You are doing the right thing by not enabling him.

There is such an entitlement with our addicted children. I know my son expects me to run to his rescue and he is very good at playing victim. I pray that he actually works the steps and gets clarity as to the accountability for his own actions. I too should be accountable, and I remind him of the disaster of living with me, I am enabling and vulnerable and he is guilt ridden and vulnerable. To clarify, the guilt he feels is the past of his actions in our home. Then he uses, and the guilt is no longer a factor until he gets sober again.

When my husband and I were discussing this the other day, he said this is what he did for his son for years....and his accommodation of his son's disease almost killed the young man. That was about 7 years ago when we finally let him go. It has been a process ever since.

Thank you. I needed this thread. I finally went No contact with my mom and dad, after my AM was on yet another bender last week and my father continues to enable her. We all have just looked the other way and cleaned up her messes for years and I am just fed up with it. She has never suffered any real consequences for her actions in terms of her closest relationships and I am just DONE. I am not going NC in hopes that this will wake her up. I am truly doing it for myself. That being said, the way I have behaved with her my entire life hasn't worked for either of us and I am tired of doing the definition of insanity.

Good for you!