It's been a while
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
It's been a while
Have been blessed to have work for the past 4 weeks so the terror that had arrived in February of needing to go to a shelter was given a small breather...almost had to go...the emotional pain, lack of family support in anything and the working to find a job as well as working hard to get new meds to work and to stay in therapy...although losing insurance almost were the final straws.
My AD is still my AD--have not heard from her since January 19th...and she is out of all of this...in her own world...and it is very hard...but I cannot force her to call nor do I have any further energy or ability or support to do more than what I am doing...am using my toolkit every day...read my ESH literature every morning on the way to work (a temporary assignment for which I am very grateful) and staying very 'up' as the job requires it...and quite frankly, so does my life...if I am to live it.
The remaining 5 members of the family (husband and 4 adult kids) all remain in their own worlds...although some are less than one room away...and I am just working my program...being calm, and doing what needs to be done. There has been very little communication...and I have chosen to send a few texts that are positive, but not much as the exhaustion is very challenging.
I am working to eat healthily and to sleep more healthily and as of last Thursday, had enough hours worked to apply for insurance again (none since January 31st) and am hoping to get meds again soon.
I am working to stand and deliver...in my own life...and it is quite challenging, but also so good to be working as what I was given to do in this last team assignment was right up my alley (all involved agree that it is an exceptional situation, so thanking my HP and just hanging on and moving forward as best as possible).
Feeling vertigo daily which is probably from stress and had to tell my son who is living with me that he has to leave if he won't pay the rent agreed upon last month. Everything hit a crisis at end February when neither he nor husband would do more than just stare as I was struggling and crying and begging for them to give me something to pay the rent...much less anything else...and police were called. Embarrassing but just can't hold it all in anymore. My naranon sponsor and counselor had suggested a women's shelter, but held off as it will be so much harder to start over from there...this was 2 weeks before. Because my daughter is out of contact and in active addiction...the family responses to me as I have been there for them through all over decades has been devastating...but it is the codependency bottom that I am dealing with and need to work through...and am taking steps...however small and puny they may seem to me.
The grace in all was that the policeman told me that I need to be more selfish (not good at that to my detriment) and so I gave each a bottom line. My son's was very reasonable (as he works in addition to study)--$25/wk contribution to household expenses, no anger outbursts, and help with household chores--he has helped some, but the contribution has not been coming so gave him the final today...as I just can't deal with it anymore.
Know that I am in a very precarious spot...and that there is no help for me if I go down...so need to do what is best for all...and not just for them...have been going through this for a very long time now...and the only thing that is going to help is to take better care of me...so not allowing him to vomit his anger and yuckiness over me as he did last night when I reminded him for the multipleth time since 3/1/2015 needs to be ok. I am ok with telling my son he has to leave...as the $25/week wasn't about 'making it'...it was about working to see if he was committed to the household making it...after the bad months that have passed. Although he does not use drugs...the drinking genes are there and he has spent some of his last 2 years 'having fun' and either is no longer the son I remember when we went to Chile to work to regroup two years ago...after bankruptcy and losing the house...or I am changed...but regardless...I remind myself that each step is a step forward or backward...as I choose. His disrespect and anger outbursts have been issues since childhood...which he received treatment and therapy for ... so now have simply set a bottom line boundary for me...even if I hate doing this.
It is very hard to stand alone in all of this...so am posting this. At work, I almost cracked a few times, but was able to pull back...and come back with a smile.
Things are challenging...and I am grateful.
Thank you for allowing me to share...not on a lot as the exhaustion and emotional processing (after compartmentalizing at work) and when I am at home...are really taking energy. Have a hard time feeling a like 'good' mom...although I know that I have done all that a 'good mom does in addiction and in bringing her children up to do the right things...worked with therapists and was in recovery all the way as I worked to change myself...so know that if anything, was too much of a pleaser...and gave too much that I couldn't afford. Still, the path is long and the steps feel like they are really really hard work and as if all that I ever worked for or valued is lost. I know this is not true...and am taking one moment, hour, and day at a time...turning all over to my HP as best I can.
My AD is still my AD--have not heard from her since January 19th...and she is out of all of this...in her own world...and it is very hard...but I cannot force her to call nor do I have any further energy or ability or support to do more than what I am doing...am using my toolkit every day...read my ESH literature every morning on the way to work (a temporary assignment for which I am very grateful) and staying very 'up' as the job requires it...and quite frankly, so does my life...if I am to live it.
The remaining 5 members of the family (husband and 4 adult kids) all remain in their own worlds...although some are less than one room away...and I am just working my program...being calm, and doing what needs to be done. There has been very little communication...and I have chosen to send a few texts that are positive, but not much as the exhaustion is very challenging.
I am working to eat healthily and to sleep more healthily and as of last Thursday, had enough hours worked to apply for insurance again (none since January 31st) and am hoping to get meds again soon.
I am working to stand and deliver...in my own life...and it is quite challenging, but also so good to be working as what I was given to do in this last team assignment was right up my alley (all involved agree that it is an exceptional situation, so thanking my HP and just hanging on and moving forward as best as possible).
Feeling vertigo daily which is probably from stress and had to tell my son who is living with me that he has to leave if he won't pay the rent agreed upon last month. Everything hit a crisis at end February when neither he nor husband would do more than just stare as I was struggling and crying and begging for them to give me something to pay the rent...much less anything else...and police were called. Embarrassing but just can't hold it all in anymore. My naranon sponsor and counselor had suggested a women's shelter, but held off as it will be so much harder to start over from there...this was 2 weeks before. Because my daughter is out of contact and in active addiction...the family responses to me as I have been there for them through all over decades has been devastating...but it is the codependency bottom that I am dealing with and need to work through...and am taking steps...however small and puny they may seem to me.
The grace in all was that the policeman told me that I need to be more selfish (not good at that to my detriment) and so I gave each a bottom line. My son's was very reasonable (as he works in addition to study)--$25/wk contribution to household expenses, no anger outbursts, and help with household chores--he has helped some, but the contribution has not been coming so gave him the final today...as I just can't deal with it anymore.
Know that I am in a very precarious spot...and that there is no help for me if I go down...so need to do what is best for all...and not just for them...have been going through this for a very long time now...and the only thing that is going to help is to take better care of me...so not allowing him to vomit his anger and yuckiness over me as he did last night when I reminded him for the multipleth time since 3/1/2015 needs to be ok. I am ok with telling my son he has to leave...as the $25/week wasn't about 'making it'...it was about working to see if he was committed to the household making it...after the bad months that have passed. Although he does not use drugs...the drinking genes are there and he has spent some of his last 2 years 'having fun' and either is no longer the son I remember when we went to Chile to work to regroup two years ago...after bankruptcy and losing the house...or I am changed...but regardless...I remind myself that each step is a step forward or backward...as I choose. His disrespect and anger outbursts have been issues since childhood...which he received treatment and therapy for ... so now have simply set a bottom line boundary for me...even if I hate doing this.
It is very hard to stand alone in all of this...so am posting this. At work, I almost cracked a few times, but was able to pull back...and come back with a smile.
Things are challenging...and I am grateful.
Thank you for allowing me to share...not on a lot as the exhaustion and emotional processing (after compartmentalizing at work) and when I am at home...are really taking energy. Have a hard time feeling a like 'good' mom...although I know that I have done all that a 'good mom does in addiction and in bringing her children up to do the right things...worked with therapists and was in recovery all the way as I worked to change myself...so know that if anything, was too much of a pleaser...and gave too much that I couldn't afford. Still, the path is long and the steps feel like they are really really hard work and as if all that I ever worked for or valued is lost. I know this is not true...and am taking one moment, hour, and day at a time...turning all over to my HP as best I can.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear Irisgardens,
I am so very proud of you...what you have been put thru, and the "hurts" you have
suffered from.
YOU ARE a good momma, don't ever think differently, or let anyone else put into your head a differnt opinion!!
Your strength and hope, IG, are an inspiration for the rest of us mommas to admire!!
Keep up the good work!
TF
I am so very proud of you...what you have been put thru, and the "hurts" you have
suffered from.
YOU ARE a good momma, don't ever think differently, or let anyone else put into your head a differnt opinion!!
Your strength and hope, IG, are an inspiration for the rest of us mommas to admire!!
Keep up the good work!
TF
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: CA
Posts: 10,681
My heart and prayers go out to you Irisgardens.
The more responsibility you give to your son the better off he'll be.
Not only are you helping yourself, but you are helping him by taking action.
I know how hard it is to work when life is so emotional.
Life is so hard. Just keep taking those steps forward and make sure you find time
to get away from all of it and rest.
The more responsibility you give to your son the better off he'll be.
Not only are you helping yourself, but you are helping him by taking action.
I know how hard it is to work when life is so emotional.
Life is so hard. Just keep taking those steps forward and make sure you find time
to get away from all of it and rest.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hugs Iris, You are shining! It is so hard when we have spent our entire lives with emotional bondage. Breaking free feels painful but you continue to fight for YOUR life!
Sending prayers for your continued faith and peace.
TT
Sending prayers for your continued faith and peace.
TT
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
irisgardens 
You are a wonder!! Please believe in yourself and believe that you are worth doing things for you, too!! I'm so happy about the work and so happy to hear about the improving insurance situation. And, yes, you do need to be a bit more selfish--you, your life, matter!!!!!!
Sending many, many hugs and prayers for strength, peace, and clarity.
You are a wonder!! Please believe in yourself and believe that you are worth doing things for you, too!! I'm so happy about the work and so happy to hear about the improving insurance situation. And, yes, you do need to be a bit more selfish--you, your life, matter!!!!!!
Sending many, many hugs and prayers for strength, peace, and clarity.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Iris, good to hear from you again. Your actions regarding your son are more than reasonable, and if you were to give in to him you would be doing him a disservice. He will treat women as he's learned to treat you, with disrespect, unless you expect and demand reasonable behaviour from him.
I hope you're planning to end the lease on this shared house eventually and close the Bank of Iris for good.
I hope you're planning to end the lease on this shared house eventually and close the Bank of Iris for good.
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