Sadness Doesn't End
 

Just looking for support.

I don't even feel comfortable in Al Anon these days. I work the steps and believe wholeheartedly in the program, but I still feel like an outsider. I don't talk much there, or anywhere, for that matter. I have nothing to say.

I am sad. No contact from my AS still. He was sick when he was here last summer and if he is still drinking (wherever he is) the deterioration is continuing.

It's just so sad. When it's all said and done we are left with a deep sadness.
There are many times I cope without talking at all. I can't talk and cope at the same time until I finally let out a big burst of conversation and then I'm done until next time.

Not talking is a part of my defense mechanism. One problem is that I only have the same thing to say that I've already said numerous times and it's just a repeat. I don't feel that anyone wants to listen anymore. The same pain remains and I really do need to talk about it. Talking makes it feel better until it builds up again. I don't know how to make that pain go away when my child is in active addiction. I can only distract myself at times so I don't concentrate on it.

Having no contact is the hardest. That really causes our hearts to ache. I'm not very good at letting go. My grief gets stuck in the middle when it comes to my kids and grandkids.

Yes, that's part of it - I don't have anything new to say. Addiction throughout the years (father, ex-husband, son) has tainted every part of life. I am truly thankful for the good things and people in my life, but no one who has not experienced family addiction can grasp how I am affected. I have a few friends that think because I have a HP to turn things over to, I should be skipping down the garden path of life, rising above all of this.

I think years of trauma actually does some damage to our brains.
I have a bad brain. I also have a father, ex, and son with alcoholism.

My brain is muck and it will take a miracle to experience any kind of joy.
I'm not giving up on that though.

I'm sorry that today is a down day, Bella. I have no inspired words to share with you, but I do hope that bit by bit, joy returns!

:Flower111 :Flower111

Dear Bella, it is so difficult when its No Contact, because we always imagine the worst. I went on auto-pilot at work for the entire 3 months, and there was this under current in my consciousness that was a seeking for my son. Even now that I know where he is, there is sadness because of so much trauma in our lives in the past. I continually give it to God, and allow the sadness, acknowledge it, and then go back to the auto-pilot if I need to. SR is my lifeline and sometimes it helps to support others and it lightens my burden. Big Huge Hugs
TT

Bella. Talking here has helped so very much. Reaching out to people that get it. I haven't found a great meeting yet where I am comfortable so I really reach put here. Hugs to you. I'm with you

It's the sadness of it all that's so hard to accept and live with.

That you all so much. I'm glad to be able to come here and know that people understand. Especially glad that no one will tell me I shouldn't be sad, like I'm failing as a human being and as a Christian because I feel these emotions.

I do turn this over to God all the time and go about my business. I think I'm doing all I can, but there is this underlying tension, always knowing he is somewhere out there.

I go to several meetings most weeks. The people I have met are kind and do understand, but they all seem to know each other and have things to chat about.

Again, thank all of you for your words of kindness and support. I will come back and read them when I need to. And I pray God will heal our children and our hearts.

Bella,
I am so sorry that your heart is hurting. Going no contact doesn't make things hurt less, I don't think. Maybe it doesn't complicate things, but I think it leaves your heart in a constant ache.

I can relate. I hold things in, except occasionally I will share here. Like today, I shared some of it, because if I didn't , I think my heart would burst from sadness and the loneliness of it all. It did help me, to share.

I still struggle with feeling like there must be something I can do. I think that the Serenity prayer is needed in my case, but the wisdom is slow in coming.

hugs to you. I know how hard it is to go to work and function fully, too. That really stinks.
You are in my prayers, as well as your son.
hugs
chicory

chicory, the struggle that I can do anything is gone. I don't know for sure where he is, but I believe he is with his GF in another state. He does not answer texts or calls, so I stopped trying, believing if he wants contact, he will call.

I go through cycles with these feelings. Its been almost 3 months since I had contact with him. Most days I'm just grateful that my son and I are safe and relatively happy. And sometimes I wonder if he's even still alive, and I have broken my boundary and checked up on him. It doesn't help me to spend my time and energy on things which have nothing to do with me. My qualifier is my XAH; a child - ADULT child - would be harder to let go. Your feelings are valid because you feel them. No one here will shame you for caring!

I can relate to this. I rarely attend church anymore but when I do it seems so sad to me. I have a constant lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. Looking around, everyone seems so darn happy and I wonder what it would be like to feel that way again.