seek

I mentioned that I do this in one of my other threads, but I would really like feedback from people.

I am an introvert and I love Facebook. I use it to post beautiful pictures and inspiration - it really helps me feel connected and it uplifts me.

When I log on, I can see "how many hours" since whomever logged on - and in the case of my grandson notice nuances about his habits.

He has been checking in at times where I would deduce that he has been up all night - hence, he might be "out" again (and I think this is the case).

To those of you who use Facebook, what do you think about this?

I have gone for weeks ignoring him but during that time, I was actively in denial (I could not handle knowing he might be "out").

This is very problematic for me and I would like to know the experiences of others.

greeteachday

I can see where Facebook would make checking up on loved ones far too easy. I understand the benefits of being able to keep in touch and share, and my favorite part of FB is seeing pictures and hearing updates from those who are geographically distant from me. I haven't had an experience quite like yours, but will share some thoughts I had reading your post.

Since checking the timing of posts from your grandson is problematic for you, can you work on conditioning your mind to let it go if you see the time when he posts? (Sort of like in meditation where thoughts interrupt and we are guided to just note them without judgment and let them float by) Would it help to go through the exercise of noting that you really can't change whether he is "out" or not? If it feels like knowing the timing of his posts negatively impacts you and you don't think that will change, perhaps keeping him on ignore is the best solution for now.

I have a relative that I don't see too often but always got along with fine. I found, however that seeing her posts on FB annoyed the heck out of me and I started not to like her very much. Placing her on ignore helped me to continue to have a decent relationship with her for those times when we did interact socially. For me social media is a tool for positive benefits. When it creates negative outcomes, I need to adjust my use to get back to the purpose I want it for.

BellaBlue

If I had the ability to track my AS online, it would not be good for me; I would become obsessive about it. Achieving serenity in such a case would be impossible for me.

FWIT, I quit FB.

NWGRITS

Honestly, it's none of your business. His FB is there for him, not for you. Checking up like that is unhealthy. If you have concerns about his immediate well-being, contact the proper authorities or his counseling center, if he has one. Facebook stalking is not healthy and can actually get you in trouble if you aren't careful - because it is still considered stalking.

Ilovemysonjj

Hello Seek, I am a facebook junkie too. I also feel fear when I make up stuff about time and content of posts. It is very hard to not imagine the worst. I also realize Facebook is not indicative of any "real" scenarios. Many people look fine and read just fine, but are in severe turmoil or pain. Many people put up pictures of partying, etc,. but are fine upstanding individuals. The only good I will say is I do get comfort in seeing posts because then I know JJ is breathing and alive.

Seren

Hi seek,

Since your son is your "friend" on Facebook, whatever he does will typically appear on your "newsfeed" as long as you are "following" him. So it's possible to know what someone is doing if they post about it to their Facebook account simply by logging into your own.

I used to be friends with my stepson through Facebook. I have found it comforting in the past to at least know that he was still alive and breathing in this world. Unfortunately, he used it as just another way to make mean and snide remarks to me. So, at this time, I have him 'unfriended' and blocked on Facebook. I wasn't going to continue to allow him to treat me with such disrespect.

I hope you are well, seek.

sg1970

I'm not sure that the time that someone logs into facebook is a very good indicator that they are using.

ArtFriend

"He has been checking in at times where I would deduce that he has been up all night - hence, he might be "out" again."

Never deduce about a person's habits, esp from Facebook. It will continue to be a source of anxiety for you.

seek

NWGrits: He is my "friend" and family member - people post on FB to communicate with others . . . Stalking? Surely you jest. I am his grandmother and his FB friend - weird deduction you made there. Seren . . . he would normally show up on my newsfeed, but I have him hidden because I did not want that. Thus, I can only see when he has last logged in and then can view his page if I go to it.

All of my family checks out each other's pages. I am sure most family members do this with each other. It's not "abnormal" - it is problematic, though, for me - but I have a problem balancing between "being in denial" (which would be not ever checking out his page) and checking and then being upset at what I see or what I THINK might be going on.

And yes, I was correct about the hours he was logging in and his sobriety - so it is not just my weird analysis - it actually has some merit - but it makes me crazy.

Can't believe no one else has this problem.

Impurrfect

Seek - I have family that lives all over the country and keep in touch with them on the book of faces, but I've learned that I only get a vague clue of what is really going on with them.

The problem I see is that this is bothering you. Your mind is turning over several scenarios.

What if he is drinking? What are you going to do about it and is there anything you can do about it?

I had to learn, the really hard way, that if I'm going to go looking for something to justify or squash my gut, I had to be willing to accept whatever I found. 99% of the time, my gut was right and I couldn't do a darned thing about what I'd found.

These days, I try to just let the truth come out. It always has. It did when I was an active addict, and it has when my loved ones have been active.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

seek

Yes. I have a problem balancing between hope and denial and acceptance of what I find unacceptable. When he is in recovery, I get hopeful (as most family members would). When he relapses, I get upset (again, as most family members do). It is normal to be happy when you hear "good news" and upset when you hear "bad news."

I have a hard time living in the moment - accepting "life on life's terms," because relapse is STRESSFUL . . . I don't think I am saying anything new. It's hard to live with the constant stress.

Also, if my family member drinks in an SLE, he will get kicked out - so he is not self-supporting - and I will get the call. So it is stressful and upsetting and it does not get easier.

Impurrfect

Seek - I do understand it's stressful. I've been on both sides of the addiction fence and being the loved one is really hard.

I'm only sharing my ES&H, but worrying and stressing never helped anything. I was living with my dad and my stepmom when she was taking pills. I tried everything but I did not enable her (though my dad did). I was living proof of what life is like in recovery.

Sixteen months ago, I woke up to find her dead on the floor from an unintentional OD. I tried CPR but it was too late. I watched her give my niece (her granddaughter) pills for years for every minor ache and pain. I just found out my niece and her husband are addicted to pain pills.

Have I worried? Absolutely. Has my heart been broken more than a few times? Yes. Has worrying and stressing done any good? Nope.

I had to find my own path to recovery, all the love in the world couldn't help me as much as hitting my bottom and finding a way out of the hole I dug myself into.

Had my family not loved me enough to say "I will not help you down this spiral" I wouldn't have 8 years in recovery. As much as I love my niece, I won't take away the opportunity for her to learn her lessons the hard way.

It's incredibly hard to watch a loved one make really bad decisions. However, until an A learns that bad behavior = bad consequences, we really don't see that it's "all that bad".

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

seek

Yes. It's common sense that worry is not productive. My body has not been informed of this rationality, however.

This is a big subject . . . rehabs exists to "help" addicts and alcoholics . . . are you saying that there should be no rehabs? I think "help" is subjective and on a continuum . . . with true help on one end and enabling on the other.

There is an article in HuffPo proposing that addicts/alcoholics are most "helped" via connection . . . the AA/Alanon model is kind of pervasive, but it is not the only possible scenario . . . these issues can be seen from a meta perspective - really telescope out to see these are huge issues for all of the players involved. Who is to say that everyone is not learning lessons that they wanted/needed to learn through playing out certain scenarios.

I am sorry about the death of your loved one and have compassion for the concern you have for your other family members. It is awesome that you found your way out of the belly of the monster of addiction . . . and your experience has certainly informed you, as has mine.

It is not so black and white.

When I took my relative to the hospital a couple of week's ago, a hospital worker said I would be surprised at how many patients with similar maladies are "abandoned" by their families. That is what he said. I did take note. I understand the abandonment, because this stuff is not for sissies. Most of my relatives relatives have backed way off and some have "abandoned" him - and Alanon supports that . . . it is the only organization that says that if you love someone who has a disease that you also have a disease . . .not sure where they came up with that . . .I do know that it distorts everyone's thinking, but to pathologize good-hearted people is not helpful, in my estimation.

I am not an evil "enabler." AA says they are sick - if they are sick, shouldn't we have compassion and do what we can to help without enabling? At least to a certain point? I "get" that the person has to want to change and their rock bottom may be very low. But when they say they are ready, do you turn your back, or do you try to be supportive? I know it is a judgment call and people have to do what their hearts dictate is morally and ethically and spiritually correct.

It is just not easy.

In the meantime, I am trying to find a way to have serenity, and right now I am struggling because I just went through Hell for several weeks and got hopeful again and then my fear and anxiety set in . . . who knows what will happen to me. Right now, I seriously would rather not live . . . not that I would do anything, but it is just too painful for me to deal with this problem. I am having a weak moment. I am sure I will buck up. There just does not seem to be a solution because I AM powerless over the person and who knows what they will do. I feel like a victim to them. Not good and not healthy, but that's where I am right now. Feels like they have all of the cards and at their whim I will sink or swim (and that does sound very twisted, even to me in my current state).

Ilovemysonjj

Dear Seek, I am just sending you a big hug! It is very very very hard to love an addict. And you are very eloquent in expressing your exhaustion and despair. I love your analogy that you feel like you are a victim to them because we just seem to be waiting for the next thing they will do that will cause us pain.
Emotions are difficult to contain and detachment is really the only way to allow yourself peace. I have to detach each and every time I see JJ (for at least 2 days, I am very weak and worried). Since I saw him looking good, now I worry even more!!!!
Keep posting and we will keep responding
TT

seek

Thank you. I am following your posts and rooting for you and your son.

I totally get how you feel. From your posts here, you are doing really well. I admire your strength.

I have good days and bad days. The thing is that my relative is young, and I am getting old. I just don't want to live this way for "x" amount of years - and I can't figure out how I got into this position - not that anyone ever knows why negative, unexpected stuff happens. It could be something else happening to me that I wouldn't like. I just selfishly want to have a happy, carefree old-age. I must have thought I "deserved" it - so this is a rather rude wake-up call that life is not geared up to please me 24/7.

Just not happy at the moment. Feel trapped by my own emotions and feel powerless over my emotions.

The whole thing is just unacceptable to me.

Impurrfect

Seek - I am truly sorry you are going through this and I get what you are saying.

I didnt mean to imply that abandoning is the answer. I, as well as my loved ones, have always been loved, just some times from a distance.

It's hard walking the path that you are and we do the best we can. I would like for you to remember that you are important, too. I care and everyone else, here, does. I'm sorry if I came across harshly.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

seek

Thank you. I don't think you came across harshly . . . I am just hypersensitive at the moment . . . just unhappy with the situation. I do "kind of" work an Alanon program (I customize it because I am so "special" - ha ha - "terminally unique") - I do feel it is antiquated and could be enhanced and updated. I don't think loving family should be pathologized . . . but the entire subject is just so huge - so many aspects to consider.

I am just battle fatigued.

I have learned a lot in the past few weeks, though, and would not change anything.

I helped my relative detox in my home and did not leave his side for seven or eight days. It was intense. I learned a lot about myself, about him, about the disease of alcoholism, and much, much more. I got sick afterwards (no surprise) and saw how I easily went from nurturing where I could see myself going into enabling (in wanting to do things that were not healthy for me or for him - mostly just being too accommodating at my own expense - and also not having a voice because it is not productive to argue with an alcoholic . . . ) . . . but the bottom line is that I do love him and I do hope he chooses recovery and I am glad I did what I did - no matter what.

Impurrfect

And at the end of the day, that's what counts. Keeping you both in my prayers.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

seek

Thank you so much.

Prayer does change things.

I appreciate it so much!

Sending you good vibes, as well!

Morning Glory

I understand everything you are saying seek and have felt everything you are feeling.
That's why we are here for each other. Some of it does get better with acceptance and practice. Distance helps me the most.