Maintaining Your Sanity Through Ups And Downs - Periods of "Not Knowing" . . . etc.

Old 02-28-2015, 03:43 PM
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Maintaining Your Sanity Through Ups And Downs - Periods of "Not Knowing" . . . etc.

I am the grandparent of a young (22) alcoholic who has been to a couple of rehabs, detox, SLE's and might (?) currently be living with another alcoholic (perhaps in recovery, not sure).

He relapsed a couple of week's ago, and just before that, our interaction had been quite negative (I would say due to "restless, irritable, and discontent," as they say in AA . . . ), but subsequently, he has reached out to me and has been very friendly and says "all is well." I am not sure of his sobriety status, so these conversations leave me questioning. Of course I WANT to believe he is doing well, but keep getting my hopes up and then, boom.

I am very intuitive and sometimes get stomach pains when something is wrong in my family and I have had those recently and have them today.

He is a great "kid," with a serious problem. I walk a tightrope between hope and denial and despair . . . I am trying to have faith and take care of myself.

My question is about Facebook. I can tell when someone has been online and I deduce all kinds of things from this (which may or may not be true - mostly having to do with not keeping regular hours, which is a pattern I have noticed). I know it is not healthy for me to do this, AND I am not sure how to avoid it since I log onto Facebook every day and I can readily access this information.

I am also curious how other parents/grandparents deal with "not knowing" if the person you love who is alcoholic is okay or not okay. I find this very disturbing, and I have to figure it out for myself because I am old and he is young and this could go on for a long time.

I realize this is my problem and I need to figure out how to cope without going into denial.
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Old 02-28-2015, 05:32 PM
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Hi seek,

Sorry to hear about your grandson.

You ask about the "not knowing."

My son has not contacted any family member since last fall. He does not live in the same state and will not answer calls or texts. I think I know where he may be, but I'm not sure and I have no idea if he is working or drinking or if his health has declined, both physically and mentally.

There really is nothing I can do other than constantly work the steps of Al Anon, especially the first three:

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Some days I can only put one foot in front of the other and go on; some days I feel some serenity and hope. His actions have hurt me badly and my life will never be really ok. It's been going on for at least 15 years now. I miss having a relationship with a boy I cherished. I grief for the man he has become. I fear for the call I may get one day.

People do not understand that this kind of trauma is life-altering.

P.S. I love that quote by Julian of Norwich. I think of it often.
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Old 02-28-2015, 05:45 PM
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Thank you for responding, BellaBlue. I don't know how parents and grandparents cope with this stuff, long term. It's hard to have a framework for life (or it is for me).

My entire family has imploded so there is no support.

I do go to Alanon and that helps - but the trauma of this is just incredible.

There is no way any alcoholic or addict could ever conceive of the heartache and grief that family members go through. Not sure why that is important, because I know they don't hurt people on purpose - we're just "collateral damage."

The estrangement must be difficult . . .

I don't know what to make of any of this.

I do believe it all has forced me to become more in touch with my spirituality, but from a meta experience, I have many questions (which I might post in the Spiritual section someday).

None of it makes any sense to me.
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Old 02-28-2015, 06:29 PM
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Originally Posted by seek View Post
I do go to Alanon and that helps - but the trauma of this is just incredible. .....

There is no way any alcoholic or addict could ever conceive of the heartache and grief that family members go through. .....

I do believe it all has forced me to become more in touch with my spirituality, ...
i'm glad you go to alanon and found SR. i relate to the trauma of it all seek and have also found myself more in touch with my spirituality.

i love the full version of the serenity prayer:

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
If I surrender to His Will;
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him
Forever and ever in the next.
Amen.


accepting hardship as the pathway to peace - i really know peace when i find it because of the hardships i've experienced and i cultivate peace in my life because i have known chaos and reject it as a way of life...

may your peaceful moments bring comfort to you seek.
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Old 02-28-2015, 06:30 PM
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Seek, I'm right there with you. We will never know what is happening with our children/grandchildren. I too suffer stomach pains when my radar light ups, knowing that something is going down. We have been traumatized and we are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I only wish I had an answer for you. So many people on here have given me great advice about detaching. I am trying my hardest but it is truly the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. It's totally against my nature. Prayers and good vibes to you.
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Old 02-28-2015, 07:14 PM
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Lovenjoy: Thank you. Can you say more about that line you bolded? How does that work, in your experience?

I like the full Serenity Prayer - I can do without the gender language, re: HP, but I can overlook it and concentrate on the message.

INgal: Yes, it is really difficult. My stomach has been acting up all day. I am not good with "not knowing" (more than most, probably . . . I seem to be an amateur detective. I notice details and nuances that other people don't notice - and in this case, that is not good).

I am also empathic, which is a curse around this issue.

But I am doing okay.

Trying not to "trip" too much.

The truth is that I have NO IDEA what is going on - in the small and big picture. Nothing makes any sense to me on this Earth. I just have to accept that I have not a clue what is going on. It's hard to live your life when you don't have a framework for it (i.e., no functional family, nothing to rely on or fall back on for emotional support, no family traditions now - since we have been dealing with this). It's just hard.

Alanon is good but it can only do so much. It's not a family (although some people perceive it as such).

I do feel more spiritually connected - but I have no idea what my purpose is on the Earth at the moment. I raised kids and helped raise the grandkid - never dreamed I would be dealing with such a thing as this at this point in my life (or ever). I don't know how people accept it - I guess the same way they accept other unacceptable stuff.

I guess the theme of my life is now "coping." I seem to need some structure so that's why I am floundering and trying to find some framework.
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Old 02-28-2015, 11:05 PM
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Acceptance helps us make peace with reality.

When we have difficulty with acceptance we are really trying to resist what is real.
We are resisting something we don't want to be real. That's why it feels unacceptable.

My mother has Alzheimer's. I don't want that to be real and I can't change it.
My son is an alcoholic. I don't want that to be real and I can't change it.
My grandson has had migraines daily for his entire life. I don't want that to be real and I can't change it.

My resistance to reality brings emotional pain, anger, frustration, depression, hopelessness, etc...

Acceptance brings peace. I accept that it's real and I can't change it.

Acceptance is a process. Letting go is letting go of my resistance.

Awareness (What's real?)
Acceptance ( It's real and I can't change it.)
Action (I'm going out for ice cream)
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Old 03-01-2015, 09:08 AM
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seek...first--love that quote by Saint Julian of Norwich...and learned it before I truly understood the toll that addiction (alcohol and drugs) had already taken on my life from childhood and would take on me through adult children and immediate family. Over time,
have found that it has a deeper meaning than I originally was able to even understand...although it resonated deeply as I, too, am intuitive and empathetic...

Julian of Norwich lived after losing all of her family in the Black Plague and was a 'prayer person' who was cemented into a monastery as was common in the time...and there, she had her spiritual visitations...when I learned this part...I started to understand that the path of suffering can lead to greater spiritual depth...and can elicit great costs as well.

The bolded part of the serenity prayer above...came to me only about a year ago...from a friend...and it also 'informed' me that life is harder than I was brought up to believe and that suffering is a common denominator for those who choose to deal with what they are asked to deal with by life.

As Morning Glory mentioned...in explaining acceptance...awareness...and action (the examples really helped me grow today). Glad you are here...and thank you for your post...as these too articulated circumstances in my own life that I grapple with and wonder about (at a meta level often)...and yet...working my codependency (CODA) and Adult Child (ACA) and attending naranon and alanon meetings (yep...got both kinds)--always helps remind and bring me closer to a center that I cannot get to without walking in faith and in my own walk.
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Old 03-01-2015, 10:04 AM
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"Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace"

thank you for asking my thoughts on this Seek as it has got me pondering, which brings growth yes? MG that is a wonderful explanation BTW!

i wasn't able to grasp this concept for a very long time but the fact that i wanted to made it important to me. the hardships of living with an addicted son just seemed to keep piling up and i struggled. i was angry much of the time, and scared and resentful and frustrated.....

i prayed and read and did meetings and counseling yet still struggled with acceptance. then my focus shifted to letting go. i began to see that i was nursing the negative feelings which the hardships i was dealing with brought up. so when something would happen the anger and sadness and madness were right there to access and i built on them...

so i worked on letting those feelings go. i acknowledged them, felt them but learned to let them go each time. then i worked on the resentment which was all those stored up negative feelings..... i began to have more clarity. learning to let go has been very powerful for me.

i then addressed acceptance again. kinda back and forth. i accept my son is an addict and it is his journey. not mine. my journey has become my focus... and i have let go, really let go of any belief that i can make him recover. i accept that all of this is hard, i let go of any angst about it and i have a peace deep within that i have never known.

i have been reflecting on this phrase -"Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace" - for many years. i am a recovering alcoholic and spiritually aware but the deep in the soul understanding of this alluded me. until i faced the hardship of not being able to help my child in a life or death struggle.

i now have a peace within that is just always there. doesn't mean i don't still struggle because i do. and it's been a long, hard year of addressing my part in this arena of addiction to get here. but i am beyond grateful for this peace within. and if it wasn't for the extreme hardships i've endured i would not have found the path.....

so now i understand. acceptance truly is the answer to all my problems today. it is what it is.....
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Old 03-01-2015, 10:44 AM
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Thank you. "Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace" must simply mean deep acceptance of whatever is happening in the moment. I will be meditating on this phrase in hopes to find deeper resonance and understanding.

I often wonder how the Dalai Lama or Mother Theresa would handle having an alcoholic/addict son or daughter . . . I stopped Buddhist monks on the street once and asked them "How does a mother let go?" They looked at me, dumbfounded. I gave them my phone number and asked them to call me when they had an answer. Never heard from them. Years later I deduced that being a mother must just entail karma. Same would be true of other relationships.
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Old 03-01-2015, 01:23 PM
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Ah, motherhood. A dual role, first to keep the entirely dependent child alive, then to teach the child to keep itself alive (simply put). It has always been about investing hugely and then letting go. It is deep within us. Our resistance to the reality of children growing up and independent is nothing new. Doesn't make it easier! You can live YOUR life again, not as mom or grandmother, but as seek. Be patient with yourself, and when it gets too heavy, give it to God.
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Old 03-01-2015, 02:45 PM
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AliWProk, still working on learning how to live as just me. I married and had children at a young age and find this concept very difficult. I tend to be very black and white, very literal, and living within my own boundaries seems to p!ss my adult children off at times. I figure they'll get over it, though
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Old 03-01-2015, 03:30 PM
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I know "more will be revealed." I always yearned for a "family" when I was young, and then had my own family - and then betrayals, alcoholism, etc., "lost" what family I thought I had. It is a deep wound within me and all I have ever wanted.

I am educated, but at heart, a very simple person and an introvert and homebody. I can do lots of things to cope (bodywork, etc. - today I took a long walk on the beach with my dog, fixed a little Zen water feature and hooked that up, bought a little sparkly cross for my alter, got a coffee, etc. - and it was good and took up time - but in the meantime, my grandson is not responding and it is an important day. He is not in jail (just checked) - praying that he is okay.

And yes, I have been praying and it really does help me - but being a grandma to him has been one of the most loving relationships I have ever had. It's not as simple as "just letting go" when it is a very important relationship (and I know I have no choice - just stating what is true for me).
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Old 03-01-2015, 03:37 PM
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He is not in jail (just checked)
That made me laugh. I've also done that.
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Old 03-01-2015, 04:02 PM
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Grieving isn't simple seek. You are grieving the loss of what was.
It doesn't mean it will always be like this, but it is now.

I'm grieving the loss of my mother right now even though she is still here.
She is not who she was due to Alzheimer's. It's a similar kind of grief.
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Old 03-01-2015, 05:17 PM
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Yes. My mom had Alzheimer's and I managed her care for 10 years! A learning experience, for sure.
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Old 03-01-2015, 07:58 PM
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Oh seek, if I ever talk about "letting go" or any of the other terms used in recovery, please know I do not mean it to be simple. Alcoholism in a beloved family member tears our hearts out and completely destroys a part of who we are. The wounds are very deep, very painful and I don't believe they will ever really heal.
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Old 03-01-2015, 08:02 PM
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I should add, I think we can find a measure of peace in accepting our reality. We didn't cause it, we can't cure it. I continue to pray for my AS, that his heart would be opened to the reality of God's love and he would find the courage to choose sobriety.
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Old 03-02-2015, 03:34 AM
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Thank you for this thread. Just yesterday, I sincerely fell to my knees, cried uncontrollably and felt chess pains. I kept yelling "why God, why?"

Some days are better then others but I still struggle with acceptance. Thank you for sharing your journey with getting "there."
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Old 03-02-2015, 08:44 AM
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I still do not know where my grandson is. As I was leaving for a meeting last night, I ran into a friend of his and the friend seemed unconcerned about him. I feel there is a reason I ran into this person. He said my grandson is young, etc. - Doesn't seem to realize the seriousness of his disease. Not sure what to make of that.

I have been given some Grace - not too anxious. Praying for all of us.

Not knowing is hard but it forces detachment.
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