Empathy

Old 02-09-2015, 07:12 AM
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Empathy

This is a lovely, true, and helpful little video. It spoke to me this morning and I wanted to share it with friends here.
Brene Brown on Empathy

As the mother of an addict, I think about this so much. Empathy comes easy for me, and not just with my own children and family, sometimes too easily. And yet, I have had to learn to let my daughter figure things out on her own, set boundaries for my own health and wellness, and then accept the consequences of her decisions, all of them, even when it means she decides to no contact with us. It is daily, hourly work for us, too, isn't it?

Thoughts?
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Old 02-09-2015, 08:12 AM
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Dear GM,
Wow, that was great! Really showed the differences.
Maybe empathy is why us mommas are so connected?
Thanks for sharing!
TF
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Old 02-09-2015, 10:30 AM
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I loved that little video and will share it with others.

It leaves us vulnerable when we have empathy because we usually have to share something private about ourselves to show others we understand. It's so much easier just to give advice or make remarks that are outside of ourselves. Sharing experience is much harder. I usually have to work through a little feeling of shame after I share openly.

The consequences we have from our loved one's addiction are what puts us between the rock and hard place and make us feel there is no way out sometimes. It takes a lot of work to live well in that hard place.
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Old 02-09-2015, 10:52 AM
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Thanks for sharing this, Garden Mama. Such a short video with such a powerful message!

I hadn't really considered before how having empathy can make one feel vulnerable and yes sometimes shame as well. I think that may explain why sometimes I shut down - I feel that vulnerability and can't trust. Thank you for that, MG.
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Old 02-09-2015, 01:39 PM
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I really appreciate this, Garden Mama. I always thought of myself as an empathetic person, if anything, maybe a little too "spongy." However, I am soooo guilty of the "silver lining" thing, yet when someone points out the silver lining to me what I often feel is that person is thinking, "Shut up. Don't be such a victim and whiner. Buck up. You're making me feel uncomfortable." Such a good reminder to just listen and really try to understand how the person is feeling. I recently read that after listening to someone, you should repeat back the thoughts and feelings you think that they communicated, both verbally and non-verbally and then ask them, "Where am I wrong?" It makes the person feel heard and helps you to clarify what they are really saying to you.
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Old 02-11-2015, 10:03 AM
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Thank you for sharing that GardenMama. Such a brief but profound little video. It really, really, made me think about the "silver lining" thing.... really think about it! I'm a RA and remember thinking, early in sobriety, my frustration feeling that I couldn't just talk to anyone (in AA) about my feelings without hearing all the "silver lining" stuff. I never felt understood hearing those things. I got that we alcoholics can drop into a deep pity pot that puts us in danger of medicating our fear/grief/pain again... in other words, slipping.... and that fellow AAs were trying to "help" turn us to thoughts of gratitude to, hopefully, prevent that but all it did for me was drive me deeper into hiding what I really felt. I'm not bashing those loving, caring, gestures and have been "guilty" of it myself but I still do have a problem with it. Reflecting on it now, I think we may fall into it not so much to actually help the other person but to insulate ourselves from feeling their pain by going cerebral with advice. In other words, sometimes its our own defense mechanism. We're not perfect. We're not saints. Sometimes we just need to be heard and understood... not advised... to feel connected and not so alone. Empathy from another can help us fix ourselves when someone trying to fix us, even with well intentioned advice, fails.
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Old 02-11-2015, 01:45 PM
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So true, Turtle, and so well-stated. I have been really struggling since I learned about my RAD's pregnancy. The first time I shared the news at my face-to-face meeting, I was a crying wreck. The consolation I got from well-meaning members was how amazing grandchildren are, what a gift, etc. This is not where I am AT ALL with the news. I am sad, shocked, surprised, and confounded that my RAD thinks this is a good time to bring a child into her world. She is so fragile right now in her recovery, and so over-committed and stressed by life in general (unemployed, insecure housing, etc.) I could not go back to my meeting for a few weeks, and then last week I decided I just had to ask that I not be coddled with happy fantasies about a future child...that I needed to be where I am with this until I feel differently. They seemed to get it. It was hard to say outloud, because what dear grandparent would ever say she wasn't excited? How heartless.

This empathy video really helps me think about how I want to continue to parent both of my daughters with empathy more than sympathy. It takes more work to do this as a parent, especially when we can't FIX their addiction, and it requires a healthy detachment as well: "Wow, that's painful and hard, honey, but I know you can figure out a solution." Practice, practice.
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Old 02-11-2015, 02:22 PM
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Sometimes we've just been whittled down so much by circumstance or people that all we're looking for is validation.. not in order to swim in a pity pot... to feel some sense of humanity and caring in the world.
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Old 02-15-2015, 03:46 PM
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GardenMama...will look at this video...empathy also comes easily to me...and so when I have done recovery or therapy or other inner work...sometimes very perceptive people have told me that I need to be more self protective...rather than more empathetic...because I was raised in a family where empathy wasn't in the vocabulary (seriously although being a Christian giver was...so I have gotten drained a few times in my life...literally)--before I learned the word about 10 years ago (attending my second daughter's rehab program for family...then I surmised that I needed to do more of that...because it was new (another drain and go empty) and then a few people got to know me well enough that they told me (very respectfully) that I need to hold boundaries because I had no boundaries and I was basically giving myself away to the point of no return.

Struggling with this again...it will be a lifetime struggle...but working again at the boundaries (since I realized again in April 2014 that I had had a huge and long relapse).

I have on my 'to do' list to watch this and have heard good things about brene brown (another friend suggested several months ago...but it slipped through the cracks).

Thank you...it is clear you are empathetic...and I appreciate your gift.
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Old 02-15-2015, 04:18 PM
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Wow, what a great video and an eye-opener!! Thanks for posting this.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 02-16-2015, 08:36 AM
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This was a WOW!!!!
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