isolation

Old 02-08-2015, 12:15 PM
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isolation

hey all, i am new here and i like that there is a special group for family members. with the issues of genetics and lots of family dynamics and not being the same as breaking up a relationship i think there is something to talk about. btw the addict is my 21 year old daughter. i have a 24 year old daughter, and a 17 year old son.

so is anyone else isolated? i feel very alone in this and have for a long time. i am divorced and dad is around but a narcissist so i can't predict. i have super boundaries with him! which also means i can't just call him up for help. our last big interaction was when he wanted to put our son in a mental hospital for truancy which included a bunch of lies. his dad who makes my ex look good is also a dual diagnoses counselor. i am not sure how my daughter would feel about bringing him in, he has make inappropriate comments to my girls a couple times but they seem mildly okay with him, there is almost no contact. one thing i AM really good at is boundaries.

After 10 years of single mommy-hood, years of counseling, medications, school issues, crappy boyfriend (my daughters' boyfriends) issues, for the 3 kids i just don't have many friends left. My mom has grown so much in support over the years, i just want some friends. and there is that thing i am good at, boundaries, which gets in the way of making friends.

i don't have any answers, i honestly don't totally need advice, i just wanted to share if anyone else has the same thing
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Old 02-08-2015, 01:30 PM
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Hi equanamama, It really can be isolating dealing with family members who struggle with addiction. People whose lives have not been affected by addiction can sometimes simply not understand.

In order to keep my good friends in my life, I've had to work very hard to NOT constantly talk about the addicts in my life around them.

Is there some form of support group for family members of alcoholics and addicts in your area? Face to face support from people who know exactly what you are experiencing can be invaluable. There are faith-based and secular groups, some 12-step and some not.

SR can be a very valuable tool for many people to just talk, vent, learn, even laugh again. I'm glad you found us, though so very sorry for the reasons why!
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Old 02-08-2015, 02:04 PM
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I'm really isolated also. I don't know if it's due to boundaries as much as just not being able to relate to many people. My life has been very different than most people and I just can't find people with common interests. Friendships also require work and I have no energy. It's also hard to go anywhere alone to meet new people. I'm a bit shy and introverted so I'm not comfortable in social situations. I used to make friends at work, but I work at home now so that's out. I just try to enjoy my own company right now and my online friends. I really feel content with that which would have been unusual for me in the past.
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Old 02-08-2015, 04:42 PM
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Glad you've found us! The friends I am most close to are all geographically distant from me, and last year I started working from home as well. So in many ways I don't have much in the way of face to face friends, but I interact with folks all over the country by phone and emails, so I don't feel very isolated.

I was very fortunate when I was going through the worst of the times with my daughter's addiction that I found an amazing Naranon group. I'd tried other meetings but just didn't feel comfortable. This group was really special and I made some wonderful friends there who not only could understand what I was going through but actually also shared some common interests. I'm not sure how well I would have handled things without that face to face support.
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Old 02-08-2015, 05:13 PM
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Hi, I have felt Isolation from my friends and family all these years and still now. So happy I see your post because no one can understand me or us. I feel alone because everyone is coupled up, because my kids see that their dad is not around as other dads are, family and friends do not want to come by because they are out of words and do not feel comfortable with the entire situation. If he is out visiting for the week-end from rehab he comes over and isolates himself from the world still. He does not want to go out, answer the phone, or see anyone. More isolation. I ask why and he just shrugs. This makes me wonder if the rehab is actually working.
I have to push myself to go out. Slowly, I hope.
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Old 02-08-2015, 05:35 PM
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Isolation. Yeah. We moved across the state for hubby's job 10 years ago. No family around and not any really close friendships. I do have an Alanon group I attend and while the people there are nice, I haven't really connected well with anyone. They hear my story about my son and just say, "I can't imagine!" I need to make a greater effort, but I haven't got the energy.
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Old 02-08-2015, 06:01 PM
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Welcome equanamama. I am glad you shared this. It is enlightening to learn just how many of us suffer from feeling isolated.

My son is an alcoholic, and lives with me. His dad is states away and does not help, although they are close and talk often.
I don't share much with my daughters, because they get frustrated and sad for me and for him. They are always there for me, if I do need to talk, or if he needs to talk to them. He makes them angry though. The gift of normal, calm communication wasn't bestowed upon my family.
I try to deal with it alone, except for here at SR. I don't share at work.. people only like to gossip there.

I did try an al-anon recently, but there was only one person there the last three times I went and she only came upstairs from the AA meeting because I showed up. I do love Al-anon and plan on finding another meeting or perhaps calling to see if there is any activity in the one I was going to.
I also tried counselling, but honestly, I got more help here, as she was nice, but she basically sat and let me talk. People here know so very much! about addiction/alcoholism and recovery and they really care.

I often feel quite lonely with this problem.I know that nothing is going to ever make this better, unless it's done by me. No one is going to come along and fix it, not even my son. It is his responsibility to do so, but I am not waiting for that to happen.

I cannot even talk to my son about it, without him getting offended and angry. Once in a great while, we can talk calmly for about two minutes.

Other than that, I carry it by myself.
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Old 02-08-2015, 07:14 PM
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I have felt isolated for the past year as well. I used to host small get togethers but the fear of my son coming home drunk, or the police calling is just too embarrassing. It's been better for me to deal with it all alone, but I worry I won't bounce back. So thankful for SR!
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Old 02-09-2015, 05:02 AM
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I feel isolated in my grief over my mother's alcoholism. I have tried to talk about it with friends, but unless you have an addict in your life there is no way to understand and usually what people say just infuriates me, or embarrasses me and I put up my façade again. I rely more and more on my higher power every day.
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Old 02-09-2015, 05:19 AM
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I've been isolated since I became unemployed, my cat rejected me and my best friend and I argued. 2014 was not my best year! I'm a bit too shy to socialise happily, so I tend to spend a lot of time on my own. BTW the cat's back and loves me, especially in the hour before feeding time.
Reading the other responses was a surprise to me because I assumed almost everyone but me had heaps of friends and a busy social life.
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Old 02-09-2015, 05:54 AM
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This is a theme with people who either are dealing with an addict or are recovering themselves. Isolation and the sense no one understands or people just don't want to hear about it. I am in the same boat. I work from home and since becoming sober I have alienated my friends (the drinker friends). I don't know what to offer except try to find others who understand (like SR people) but face-to-face. I have resisted that idea myself because of the old Woody Allen bromide "I don't want to belong to a group who would have someone like me for a member". In other words, I am not sure I want to hang out with other recovering folks, even though that would be a support. I think there is help to be found, but one must be open to it. I am not there yet myself. Good luck!
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Old 02-09-2015, 07:47 AM
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Isolation seems to be my constant tormentor these days.
Five years ago I was in the center of many fun social groups, volunteering at school, setting up theme parties in the classroom and tutoring Social Studies. I coached cheerleading, went to every single basketball game my AD was in. Taught Sunday School and held a great part time job, married 30 yrs, it felt like I had and did it all, and all for my three children...then the bombs hit. Heroin joined our family. My "good" friends dropped like flies, I felt ashamed that I never saw it coming until it was right inside my mind. I found it hard to get off the couch, cringed everytime the police were called (many) times to my home, spent so much time away from work, I was let go. People judged me and my daughters for a disease they didn't understand. It felt like years went by that I would sit alone, reading SR. and cry. Depression overwhelmed me. My husband divorced the family and addiction, he was able to detatch...I saw a therapist.
What helped the most with me was finding a f2f support group that encouraged family members who's children were in IOP.
That group, I could cry, smile, talk, listen, really listen, to other people whose children were addicted and wanting to be sober. Then I heard how some of the mommas had lost forever their children to overdoses. That helped me to understand why I felt so low. My daughters ARE alive...today they have survived.
But the damage was done. The friends I had seemed to turn away when I came around, even at church, the conversations never mentioned or asked about my beloved daughters while I had to listen, fighting back tears, about all the accomplishments their children were having. Inside I was screaming to them, ask about MY daughters, ask about how I am doing. I guess fear stopped them.
Like MG said, my friends now are SR friends, and maybe a few support meeting friends. I feel comfortable with telling my story and I think and feel they are listening. We are our own community it feels safe here.
I still and will forever fear addiction, continue to lock up any meds and valuables that are left. It did get better, I would go a few days without crying, I would go outside, visit my parents, get my hair cut. I did attent parent teacher conferences. There are good days, that I want to tell other moms, but that FEAR, I don't know if it's of a relaspe or the memories of what has happened, that unknown, paralyzes me. I try to stay into Today and not obscess about yesterday. If it wasn't for my weekly "tune ups" at the meetings, SR and my desire to be well, I may very well have preferred not to be alive in this torture. Sick with codependency. I'm ok, I'm just scared....
I do not mention my precious son and grandson. I prefer to hold them above addiction, to watch and protect them. To love them in the now. To tell and educate them on the disease of addiction.
Anyway, I come to SR. everyday, every morning. I go to Nefers Rose Luvers club over in the Newbie Forums. The sight of a beautiful Rose and the sound of some uplifting music he gives to us helps me make it off this codie roller coaster, which I am grateful for.
TF
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Old 02-11-2015, 12:08 PM
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Isolation seems to be something we have in common. I'm rural to start with and a 100% introvert to boot. I'm also in an age group that tends to isolate just because of that. Sometimes being around people oddly enough makes me feel lonely while actually being alone doesn't. I'm a RA myself but have addicted family members. These two things are a huge part of "who" I am and something I hide among those who will either judge or just not understand. I think its the hiding that makes me feel uncomfortable and disconnected to the point of loneliness in a crowd so to speak. I try to feel connected but simply don't relate to so much of what I hear from others... the big loving families, children's accomplishments and gratitude, adult children helping their parents with physical things they have a hard time doing, the "Waltons" families, etc. Those things just don't exist in my life and I come away feeling short changed or something. Or, I sometimes just feel like a failure. I don't like feeling that way so while I certainly don't begrudge anyone their joy and am happy for them, I just don't like the thoughts I get of "what did I do wrong?" nor the discomfort of not having anything similar to share and I'm sure not gonna lie so my silence feels awkward. I'm saddened at times by hearing about what others have been through here at SR and wish I had the power to spare each and every one their pain but, at the same time, I feel like I fit in more here and am thankful to have this place to feel that way in. Truthfully, sometimes I wonder how many people I talk with are just putting on a happy face, exaggerating or even fabricating. I started wondering about that when I got active on Facebook. Some of inspirational graphics with little sayings on them designed to help people through hardships and such don't seem to fit with what some say about their lives/families. I guess its something I'll never know without actually getting close enough which bring me full circle to isolation. LOL Awe... life is funny sometimes. Thanks for enduring my rambling.
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Old 02-11-2015, 05:02 PM
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We could all get together and have us an "isolation" party"?? Maybe a chat room talk? We wouldn't be so isolated then? Just my isolated 2 pennies worth
TF
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Old 02-11-2015, 07:09 PM
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i am glad to have so many ways to connect, even though it sucks. i recall trying to keep a really long term friendship together and the things that started happening when my daughter was getting worse, i was out with my friend and i got one of those 'it is hitting the fan' calls from home and needing to leave sooner than expected, other times when my daughter was out of control and my friend wanted to know if i told my daughter i loved her. i really stopped hosting things like another person said because i never knew what would happen, if i would be called home, if there would be behavior by my children i could not explain to others,

i did have a great phone call tonight with a friend!
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Old 02-11-2015, 07:38 PM
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Sometimes being around people oddly enough makes me feel lonely while actually being alone doesn't
That's how I feel too. I think it's because there is so much of me that has to be hidden.
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Old 02-11-2015, 08:21 PM
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YES YES to the "Isolation Talk"! Count me in!
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Old 02-12-2015, 04:19 AM
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Having addiction in the family is what I imagine it must be like to be a Federal Agent...it's a part of your life that you can only discuss with certain people. Other Federal Agents!

So, when do we get our badges
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Old 02-12-2015, 04:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Twofish View Post
We could all get together and have us an "isolation" party"?? Maybe a chat room talk? We wouldn't be so isolated then? Just my isolated 2 pennies worth
TF
yeah let's all get in the same room and not talk to one another!! Fun!
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Old 02-12-2015, 06:46 AM
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Originally Posted by ArtFriend View Post
yeah let's all get in the same room and not talk to one another!! Fun!
Or we could all choose a separate room. Genius!
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