So wonderful to have this new group

Old 02-08-2015, 09:55 AM
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So wonderful to have this new group

I read in another thread where 2fish wrote it is a good to have a gentle place to come.

I so second that. Life is hard enough without feeling (if not actually judged) or feeling shame and guilt because I don't seem to be able to figure out what the 'next right step is' or move quickly enough. I tend to get very anxious when I sense impatience or perceive impatience in others...even with my 20 year old son who is very impatient...I start to shake when he pushes too hard and seems to yell by telling me I am taking too long.

From the time my 16 year old daughter was doing drugs (she is now 35--so 19 years)--I have taken counsel and suggestions, tried to learn and grow and also to set a better example than I perhaps had set before, although even then I knew I had always given my best...my very best.

I have reached moments and even periods of peace and serenity and been proud as I watched her and then my 2nd daughter (who had twins who lived with us for 7 years so that she could finish college and support them)--that was after she moved out and then moved back. Although in the early years, I got mad...as time went by...I just got tired...but did find some boundaries to set with the help of therapists and did marriage counseling...and when the depression got diagnosed...I went on meds to help.

I have always been a good listener and I wasn't prepared for the rejection of my mother and sister 13 years ago when my father died...and their support of the daughter who, at that time, was in rehab (went twice) for crystal meth--her escalation from beer to crystal meth in high school was frightening and took all I had to do the rehabs and pee tests and visits and therapy (which I asked for at therapy). She was so manipulative that she convinced the case workers there that it was me that was crazy (I had done long-term therapy to deal with the loss of a child, ways of dealing with a previous daughter on drugs, marital counseling, etc.)

The family of origin judged me as well and as recently as 6 months ago...this daughter told me that the rehab said I had issues (of course I did--with a drug addict daughter, but she has turned it into something to keep herself from ever being responsible). I dealt with 8 years of just continuing on...going to birthday parties...and picking up her angry, her friends told me that she trash talked me and I hoped she would get over it...and the doctor who was in her groups told me likely she would get over it someday. But now, I have learned that it will not probably be soon.

She has always been a person who saw the glass half empty, and has caused issues in school that I worked to give her help around...the partying...going out at night and not coming in in the morning drove us to such distraction that we enrolled in a tougher program than tough love (did that with first daughter)--developed by therapists and sheriff's depts called...How to handle your (difficult--then crossed out and replaced with Strong willed) Teenager. We did the work and it was really challenging because of her non-compliant nature.

I started to see daughter #1 mature and that was good...daughter #2 continued to live with us until we literally ran out of money and jobs...so moved to so. america to husband's home country to build...and finished 4 projects...but like many contractors...husband is not a business man...and money continues to be tight. I did get a job over skype when I was concerned that the money was too low...and came back here to work in June 2013...I worked until September 2014 when I was laid off.

I am pretty sure that my stress and irritability were showing...and as a manager level position...I had triggered the exhaustion I trigger when, I start working 6-7 days a week. By now, all children adult age...and I had learned a bit about their adult characters...and that they blamed me for much and did not want me in their lives unless I was ready and available to babysit for them...as they are SOOOOO tired. I am sorry...this is ridiculous...and they seem to live on other planets.

Since losing the job and going into a depression...there has been even less contact and I am internalizing that it is not always perhaps the 'right thing' to stand by our addicts with our all...as they have forgotten their own episodes...they have relegated them to 'teenage mistakes', chosen to not support their sister (although they seem to have been drawn in if I have picked up bits and pieces of convo correctly, blamed me for trying to find her and working to 'support her with tough love in her court appearances last winter and spring' and pressured me about finding the job...I have always worked. I have come to prefer the silence and isolation of their lack of presence. Their Dad appears to support them...and makes it worse.

My third daughter lives in SF--there are plenty of places for drug addicts to live and hang out there. She lives the life style and funds it through the things drug addicts do. I have needed to detach emotionally after the next to last court appearance where the judge and da really tried to get her into a program...it is amazing what their unwillingness can withstand...and she was put into jail in oranges..and her talk...the sheer hatred and blame and lack of responsibility...the anger...are all still there when we talk (only 2-3 times in the past few months)--my body went completely weak when she did that and then afterwards...her public defender (a very strong and tall man) did the same...and I was destroyed emotionally for a long time.

The stress continued to build and build and I was not able to relax...had no support...husband had returned to his home country (I insisted) to finish a contract and a 2 month estimate turned into 7 months. I was a wreck and on here by the time he returned...rumors from his home country came and I just had to shut it all off...as I just felt as if everything I have ever been or tried to be...to live...my faith, my belief that if we face the hard stuff...we will be strengthened and blessed, my very will to live were compromised and I went to my prescription doctor and a therapist (ironically one who was in the group with my 2nd daughter when we spent the two years going--the other two years of her high school were in inpatient and she had her twins by a young man there).

I am standing up again...it has and will not be easy. I carry my daughter's absence in the pit of my feeling and kind of like a small knife embedded in my heart. At the same time, put my resume together and started job searching, started an almost full meds change and working to get insurance in place...and to live on unemployment which I have been able to do. I am going to my naranon meeting and finally was able to share with my sponsor enough so that she understood that I am holding a boundary on my daughter, but that the rest of the family issues have become so overwhelming to me that I have no idea what to do or say or even believe.

I have been struggling against blaming myself as my therapists and most people in the world would say I am very responsible and cautious...integrity is my highest personal value...and I work to be a better person as much as I can. I was raised in a very religious family who seems to believe that bad things happen to people who don't believe enough...but I got over that years ago when my son passed...I didn't cause that and I made it through...although I am sure it is one of the reasons that my emotions were opened...as it would have been impossible for me to make it through without grieving and feeling it sufficiently.

I am trying...I never completely give up...and I know that life is hard...so I just try to keep on going...but I am so very lonely and isolated and it does seem as if I am the one who is going to be punished and hurt and suffer....no matter how hard I try...and I have been willing and am still willing to change...but the kinds of changes I need to make are very deep seated.

Did Adult Child work for almost 15 years which helped for a long time...but with what is happening now in the family...it is like I have PTSD...oh now...it is all happening again.

I am still seeking ways to pull myself up and through...3 interviews last week and I was able to be calm with the meds taking effect so that the interviewers were not put off. Filling out skill inventories and writing a blog my brother offered me to write for a bit of money...because I know that action gets me through.

When I become exhausted or more sedentary--have always been a sedentary person...I try to limit it and then break down the 'to do's' to bite size pieces. Got all the paperwork together to apply for state insurance and will hear an answer in two weeks by the dreaded 2/15 deadline.

Getting the rent paid...although it was very tough this month...husband kept having automatic things go through the bank account and so it was a late fee and check replacement charge...and lots of communication with landlady so she knows I am acting in good faith...he was supposed to put extra in last week over the weekend and didn't...have asked him twice this weekend and he yelled he will when he has time...so I am worried until the check clears and keep checking the balances.

I know enough to know that I can only take one small right step at a time...and I am doing that...but I feel pretty alone most of the time. I know that I need to get out of isolation, so do that when possible and the interviews have been helpful...California is beautiful so one in Saratoga was very calming and lovely.

I call my higher power God and I continue to read naranon literature and to pray...and try to stay in this moment...because it is too overwhelming to deal or see all the other things that need to come.

The car got towed as husband was driving on an expired license as well as using another car's registration ticket...was able to figure out to leave it there (husband finally told me that it hadn't passed smog twice in December) after blaming me for all the tickets...I can pay the tickets later with a job...and found out his license also has a ticket on it from long ago...so that will need to be paid too.

The worst is that he doesn't seem to understand anything I say or to realize that I am always trying to solve problems...not blame them or bring out dirty laundry. He is a very indirect speaker (like most in his home country) so it is difficult for me to figure out the problem...he only tells me what he did to solve it and often I am blindsided as he didn't solve it completely.

The week before last, he was blaming me so much for so many things, I broke down and cried...called naranon sponsor and therapist...and have a shelter to go to if things get too bad...but he is an emotional bully and as I faced him telling them over the phone what was going on, he has calmed down and I am just trying to deal with the most critical things.

I have an application for emergency food if things don't get better within a few weeks and he filed our tax return (which I use as a bit of a savings account) which when received will give a bit of a break.

All this is pretty overwhelming and not the outcome I thought I would be facing at this time in my life...but it is...and I need to face it and deal with it.

I am an emotional wreck...weeping often...but still working to support others...on a parents of addicts site...and when I can here and in naranon.

Am putting away as much self criticism as I can...and just working to live in the moment.

I pray for my daughter, but the last time she called...she was clearly on a rampage for rent in her transient hotel...and I wasn't up to going. I know that I can be manipulated...although I am working on holding key boundaries...and one of them is that I will not be manipulated to give her money or housing...and I will hold to that...even when I feel guilty.

I always tell my family I love them...but it has gotten to the point where I wonder if I am the only one...as they do not say that back...and last week, my husband mocked me about it. I grew up in my family of origin feeling as if it was my job to help my mother and father with my three siblings...and I have always been a caretaker...but lately have been more open (as in years past) as my 20 year old son and 32 year old son told me that they do not want to know what is going on in the family...and they can't do anything.

I feel embarrassed to write this...but did I somehow cause this? Is it all my fault? I know that I have a personality trait to try to help...but that also another side of my personality is to 'not know what to do until I have had a chance to study, see what the options are, and make decisions that are calm rather than impulsive' when it is not life or death. My mother told me that I was 'always different' before she started the shunning that has lasted for 12 years now. My sister told me I was a narcissist after talking about my mother badly for 43 years. Fortunately the therapist told me that I am the opposite of a narcissist...but that seems to bring huge issues too.

Of course I am afraid that my daughter will die, but I have come to learn in the hardest way possible that I have no control over my daughter or my family or their lives or otherwise.

I am working hard to survive...but as someone said in this thread...being related to a substance abuser...whether alcohol or drugs...is a very hard tie to detach from. It took me 12 years with my mother and sister...and it was so very very painful.

I need to work on believing that I matter. But the pain and hurt and hard is just so very relentless and I believe that I brought myself down and will not be supported although I have supported many others...and that, well...that is stupid...and I know I believed I was helping...and I wanted things to be better...and I didn't act on my own, but rather under the care of support group and therapists. So, now...I just do each day the best I can.

I am working on whatever is in front of me...and I am grateful to be alive to be able to do this...and I will continue to practice gratitude and appreciation frequently, but honestly...I wonder where the people are who appreciate me and what I did to deserve this. I am tired and weak...paralyzed...but as I follow this path...I find that when it is important to take a new step...I can...especially if I make that the center and only to do until it gets done. I may be slow, but I am consistent.

God Bless to all.
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Old 02-08-2015, 10:32 AM
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Sorry that you are dealing with so many challenges and such sadness. Yes, you do matter. This is a hard journey; it is painful but you are facing it courageously.
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Old 02-08-2015, 03:41 PM
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Hello Iris...it really sounds like you are doing a good job working on those things in your life that you can control and want to change!

What is one thing you think you can do to work toward your goals tomorrow? I'm actually asking myself this question right now
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Old 02-08-2015, 04:49 PM
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seren--I am resting as I need to get up early to prepare for an interview. also eating and organizing my thoughts.
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Old 02-08-2015, 05:19 PM
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Irisgarden, (I love Iris, by the way - so beautiful!) Your post clearly demonstrates how much work you have done to persevere despite so many obstacles in your life. It must be heartbreaking overcoming the loss of your son and dealing with the issues with your adult children. I am glad you focus on what you can do, not on what has happened to you. I wish you all the best at your interview tomorrow. Think of all of us as invisible cheerleaders in the room tomorrow, supporting you throughout the process!
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Old 02-08-2015, 08:13 PM
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It sounds like you have had a lot of circumstances in your life that robbed you of joy and the constant stress takes it's toll on our thinking process and our ability to experience joy. It seems to be worse for me now that I'm older and there is less to look forward to. I don't have the answers, but I do understand what you are experiencing.

I try to keep it really simple. I have a bowl of ice cream or clean my driveway or plant something and watch it grow. I like feeding wild birds and enjoy seeing a new bird that hasn't been here before. I try to focus on being content rather than being happy. It's not ideal, but it's okay to be the way we are.

Make sure you get your thyroid tested. I know when my thyroid is low it intensifies all that I feel.

You do matter in this world. You are a part of a bigger plan.
God doesn't make mistakes.
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Old 02-08-2015, 09:05 PM
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Iris, it must have cost you a lot to type all that out. Life certainly tests us, and as the years go by we become tired, but also have stores of wisdom we can draw on.

I hope you get a job soon, and having a source of income, are able to become more independent from your husband. Please try not to blame yourself for everything - none of us is perfect, but your husband and children are adults now. You are making yourself way too important if you think you are the source of everything wrong in their lives even if they lash out and blame you.

I wish I could say more to comfort you but you must be strong to keep going. Do you have friends and church members you can confide in?
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Old 02-09-2015, 04:54 AM
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Sounds like a perfect one-day-at-a-time plan for the day, iris! Best of luck with the interview...sending hugs and good interview vibes your way!

I'm actually quite inspired now
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Old 02-09-2015, 06:30 AM
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Thanks to all..gnz thanks to feeling great for reminding me that I am not powerful enough to cause all of the issues others have.
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Old 02-09-2015, 08:14 AM
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Dear IG,
You matter to me!
XOX
TF
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Old 02-11-2015, 10:54 AM
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Irisgardens, I had to stop reading so many times to dry my eyes so I could see clearly. My god you've had more than your share to deal with. I, too, have been the "whipping boy" and, so, know how that feels. God bless you. I can't advise you other than to tell you what I do myself. I came to believe, long ago, while battling my own nature which is a giving one that I was going to experience pain no matter which way I went in some situations. If I helped people who needed to suffer a life of not finding gratitude (and they do suffer), they were probably, ultimately, going to target me to beat up but if I didn't help I was going to experience the pain or guilt in going against my own nature that seemed the natural and "right" thing. Its a dilemma and, yes, a lonely and difficult path. It goes so much deeper than doing for others because we've been told its "right" as in what we're taught in Sunday school... do unto others... etc. We seem to be born that way without being told. It goes so deep. (And, I might add... screw the codie stuff as that's just another judgement by those who just don't get our nature. What we deal with isn't codie as we go through this even when no addiction is present. We're just natural-born givers.)

There is nothing wrong with you Irisgardens. You've been loving and giving and that's not wrong... no way. Unfortunately, you've given to those who need to walk without gratitude. Their path is hard also... terribly hard and sad. Now its time to give to yourself and be grateful that you've learned how to do that by giving so much to others. That's where I'm at too. When their slings and arrows pierce my heart, I think there is only One Who can help with that pain. That's Who I turn to.
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Old 02-11-2015, 11:20 AM
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Thank you turtle...you said it so well and that is the dilemma...we are made that way. It is really nice to meet someone who has clearly processed a lot to be able to write this so articulately and the timing was perfect.
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