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Old 02-07-2015, 11:36 AM
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2f==--so sorry to hear about your younger daughter's relapse.

seren--completely understood you hope around your step son not having enough money to use.
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Old 02-07-2015, 11:47 AM
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Ahhhh....the 'scene' made when asked to leave. I think many of us know that very well. I'm really sorry that you had to live through that, Bella!

My stepson was told that we would pay his apartment deposit and help with his rent for 6 months if he did not do drugs or drink, kept a job, and did not get in trouble with the law. The weekend he was to move out, he got arrested for crack possession, overslept, and lost his job. He pitched a fit when he was informed that he was still going to have to move out. The scene was horrible, and it took us a few days to calm down after that.

Hang in there, Bella! We understand.
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Old 02-07-2015, 12:18 PM
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Maybe I have PTSD...? I still, vividly see in my mind, the police, pointing their tazors at my two daughters...two years ago the fighting got so physical between my ex husband and my younger daughter, that the older daughter, took my car keys, took my truck and my younger daughter and partially ran over my ex. She was in a frantic drug induced craziness...all I could do was call 911, I feared they might kill each other...but those vision are so vivid in my mind, they're even in color? And then the police stopped the girls, then 19 & 21, a block away. I watched in horror and judgement as the neighbors watched too, the police hand cuffing my children...MY BELOVED DAUGHTERS. They let me talk to them before they went off to jail and all the both said (in separate police cars) is "I hate you mom" those words still ring in my ears.
The police gave me my keys back, the truck had thousands of $s in damage. I feel very alone right now, just remembering that.
Then we went no contact, my ex signed the papers, I could'nt. this was all so new, to not hears their voices or see their faces? How can a mom do that, they are ALIVE not dead.
Three months later I get a call from the older daughter, her sister overdosed after trying to hang herself, no please. I called the police again and we had her admitted to a psych hospital, some kind of hold so she could'nt leave. They detoxed her and she went to IOP. And then she was sober for over 18 months...
And now, my older daughter said she is doing drugs again? When does this insaness ever stop? She denied the opiates but not the drinking. She is 20 yrs old.
I don't know why I'm telling you all this, but I feel safe and less anxious getting it out again. And BTW the neighbors never talked or waved to me again and my husband filed for divorce, not from me, but from the drama addiction gave our family and it still lives here with my daughter.
I'm judged, isolated and remember that day. My therapist has helped, but my meetings, where other parents are where I was/am can talk and comfort each other...this wasn't our fault, we LOVE our addicted children.
Thank you for listening, just knowing that someone will someday read this, comforts me.
Respectfully,
TF
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Old 02-07-2015, 12:19 PM
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So glad for this new forum. My son is the addict. He is now on methadone and doing well but I wish he didn't have to be on methedone.
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Old 02-07-2015, 12:37 PM
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Twofish, I am so sorry for what has happened in your family. I believe you probably do have some sort of post-trauma, how could you not. All any of us can do is try therapy, go to meetings where we can tell our story and surround ourselves with people that care, take the best possible care of ourselves we can and turn this over to God. Sometimes even that part is hard. I thought I had an unshakable faith, but this latest stuff has me numb and unbelievably sad.

Thanks, Seren.
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Old 02-07-2015, 02:51 PM
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2fish--my 2nd daughter...once she got off crystal meth (she got pregnant and did it for the birth of healthy twins)--continued to drink. She is now 28 and does not talk to me...but sometimes I pick up a piece of information--she apparently is going to AA--although her judgment is still pretty immature--she started at 14--spent high school in rehab (2 1/2 years of 3) plus outpatient rehabs...so maybe it will not be a full on relapse.

Remember your mantra...you matter, you matter, you matter!
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Old 02-07-2015, 03:05 PM
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I think the thing that separates this part of the forum from the others is that we all have addicts that are actually related to us by blood. Sometimes I am jealous of the people who can divorce or break up with their addict; that they can go on with their lives with the hope of remarrying a healthier person. Going "no contact" sounds so easy but in my case, my qualifier is the only mother who I will ever have.
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Old 02-07-2015, 07:23 PM
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I am so grateful for this new place to come to, no matter what we need to say.
I started a thread that became so negative that I stopped sharing.

I still have an alcoholic son who lives with me. He is 42, and through me going to therapy, I got him in to be evaluated. She feels he has a personality disorder called 'avoidant personality'. Its not the most severe disorder, but he needs counselling to change. He won't agree.

He does not drink, unless he has money, which he gets little of, unless he does some computer work for the neighbor, once every six months or so. He never asks for money, or anything at all, for that matter. He wants to work, but his drinking usually costs him his jobs, tho he denies that. of course. He has no car, and we live in a small town with not many jobs available.

He is not an evil person, unless he is drinking and we argue.. which I am working hard to avoid. He has a tender heart, and everyone in the family adores him, but before the tentative diagnosis, we all got so angry at him, at times, for his denial of every single dysfunctional behavior that he has had forever.

tonight I came home from work, and he had been drinking. He did work last night for the neighbor. He will drink in his room only, until his money is gone. He tries to hide it, but I can smell beer a mile away, and since we live in a small apartment, its pretty easy to detect. I am working on trying to not get disappointed... no unrealistic expectations, but my heart breaks.

I just don't know what to do anymore. He is a kind person and I cannot bear to throw him out into the street, as he does not deserve that... he needs help.

I went out on the porch tonight and looked at the sky and feel such sadness, because I want a different life, for myself, in these older years of mine. I want freedom, I want peace, and joy. I want him to have a life, to be happy, and he is not happy.. he is very depressed at times, although he tries very hard not to get down about things, and he keeps trying to find work. He has an interview Monday and he always gets so happy when he finds a job. his drinking usually is the cause of losing them though.

I know this was long and not so critical, but I just wanted to get it out there, and say that I am glad to have somewhere to speak the truth about my life and I want to learn how to change things. I believe that I need to change, in order for things here to change. my parents were both alcoholics and I grew up very codependent. my boundaries stink.

I too envy those who can divorce their problem, sometimes.
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Old 02-07-2015, 08:12 PM
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(((Chic))) Whenever I hear your story with your son, I think of my husband's aunt and her son. He has some mental health issues as well and smokes too much pot, sometimes drinks to0 much. He has a difficult personality and has lost his friends along the way and seems to sink into depression...Which came first - the addictions or the depression? Not sure. He's in his late 50's and his mom has spent so much of her life caring for him, worrying about him. It's so hard and doesn't seem very fair. You deserve to be able to enjoy your life; you are such a caring, compassionate woman.

I wish there were easy answers...I will say that I see how you have grown in your own recovery. I think sometimes we don't see it in ourselves, especially when we feel that we take one step forward and two back. But to me you have found more peace - more ability to find some joys in life. I just feel it in your posts. I hope you do feel that and I'm so glad you keep moving forward with us all and find ideas from others here who have experienced a journey similar to yours.
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Old 02-07-2015, 08:49 PM
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Thank you for that greeteachday. I will take that as a bit of reassurance that I have learned something, even though as you say, it's not easy to see it in ones self.

I know that for me, I need to continue to pull my head out of the sand, out of my comfort zone of doing nothing. That is sad about your husbands aunt and son. I do not want that to be our story, and I am pretty determined to change our situation here.somehow.

I am glad to be here too. This place has been a life saver for me.
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Old 02-08-2015, 12:54 AM
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quick thought about having more energy.

i am trying to be the healthy, self-caring person my mother never was. to teach myself how to do that.

so when i realize the dishes are piling up, or if it seems like too much effort to go to the store, make the calls i need to make, or take a walk, or run my errands, or socialize, i start feeling this pit of dread... a big "NOO!!!" wells up in me.

and suddenly performing small tasks of every day living seem much better than the alternative
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Old 02-08-2015, 07:02 AM
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If I could Photoshop well, I would fix this to say Strong women and Men! Don't mean to discriminate.

Good morning Strong forum members!

Last edited by greeteachday; 12-26-2017 at 03:37 PM.
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Old 02-08-2015, 12:01 PM
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How do you like this, greet?!
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Old 02-08-2015, 03:34 PM
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You rock, Seren - Thank you!!!
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Old 02-09-2015, 02:38 PM
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Chicory I ca so identify with you. My 37 yr old son is living with us too. He is on methedone but We really don't trust him. I keep thinking of the past when we thought he was doing OK but he was back on the drugs and stealing. He also is a good person and I could not bear to put him out on the street if it started again. I feel now that we are helping him to be productive. He has a job and just recently saved up enough money to buy a used car (which is going to give me a whole new set of anxieties). But I am so grateful for this site where we can see that we are not alone and help and encourage each other.
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