For the parents...daily support thread
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 37
Thanks so much for kind words of support, Seren and thanks for starting this thread-it's a whole different ballgame to be the parent of an addict, especially when mental illness is also in the picture.
I am so sorry that you have your family struggles-it's so harrowing and most people wouldn't believe what we have to go through-the feelings of having failed, the solutions that haven't worked, the waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I used to call my ex husband (he lived a couple of states away) after the nights when it was all particularly terrible and ask him what to do. I was so enmeshed with my son and so desperate to "fix" him , while feeling that a mother could and should never "abandon" her child. He would always say,"well, what if it was ME that was abusive, violent, drunk? What would you do?" and I would always reply "call the police in a New York Minute and your a$$ would be in jail". It seemed like an impossible act for me to do so I kept on taking more of the same until I had no other choice.
I THINK I'm trying to say that it's so much harder to see our children as they ARE but in the end, tough love is the answer, unless you want to sink to your lowest level and have to keep digging...
Strength and courage to all of us who are going through this!
I am so sorry that you have your family struggles-it's so harrowing and most people wouldn't believe what we have to go through-the feelings of having failed, the solutions that haven't worked, the waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I used to call my ex husband (he lived a couple of states away) after the nights when it was all particularly terrible and ask him what to do. I was so enmeshed with my son and so desperate to "fix" him , while feeling that a mother could and should never "abandon" her child. He would always say,"well, what if it was ME that was abusive, violent, drunk? What would you do?" and I would always reply "call the police in a New York Minute and your a$$ would be in jail". It seemed like an impossible act for me to do so I kept on taking more of the same until I had no other choice.
I THINK I'm trying to say that it's so much harder to see our children as they ARE but in the end, tough love is the answer, unless you want to sink to your lowest level and have to keep digging...
Strength and courage to all of us who are going through this!
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Oh, yes, calling the police on an adult child....been there, too.
Our children will always know the best ways to emotionally manipulate us...that was a tough one to learn, too.
One of my favorite definitions of love is by C.S. Lewis: "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained."
Our children's ultimate good may be something that is very painful for us to do, but if we truly love them, we will work toward their ultimate good. Frequently, that is letting them go and giving them the dignity to live their lives as they see fit. I don't think this means never talking to them again, never encouraging them to seek help, or never telling them we love them....we just can't allow ourselves to be sacrificed to their addiction. Destroying our own lives does not benefit our actively addicted children.
Sending hugs to all tonight!
Our children will always know the best ways to emotionally manipulate us...that was a tough one to learn, too.
One of my favorite definitions of love is by C.S. Lewis: "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained."
Our children's ultimate good may be something that is very painful for us to do, but if we truly love them, we will work toward their ultimate good. Frequently, that is letting them go and giving them the dignity to live their lives as they see fit. I don't think this means never talking to them again, never encouraging them to seek help, or never telling them we love them....we just can't allow ourselves to be sacrificed to their addiction. Destroying our own lives does not benefit our actively addicted children.
Sending hugs to all tonight!
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Just sharing my e, s, & h . . .
my daughter now 2 yrs sober says ~ "when I was using, homeless and struggling; you said "I love you, but you can't live with me. I don't want to rob you of the dignity and respect of finding your own way. I never thought of myself with dignity or self-respect. But you did. and that stayed with me. No matter what deep inside I always knew you loved me."
I would love to tell you that not long after I told her that she got sober ~ but actually it took her another 5 yrs of drinking, using, multiple jail sentences, and another child born into this insanity (she already had 2) before she got sober.
Detachment with love and allowing her to walk her own path left me with many tearful nights and a few jail visits and lots of prayers for both of us.
Take good care of you and hang in there ~ this isn't easy but together with our HP we can make it!
PINK HUGS
my daughter now 2 yrs sober says ~ "when I was using, homeless and struggling; you said "I love you, but you can't live with me. I don't want to rob you of the dignity and respect of finding your own way. I never thought of myself with dignity or self-respect. But you did. and that stayed with me. No matter what deep inside I always knew you loved me."
I would love to tell you that not long after I told her that she got sober ~ but actually it took her another 5 yrs of drinking, using, multiple jail sentences, and another child born into this insanity (she already had 2) before she got sober.
Detachment with love and allowing her to walk her own path left me with many tearful nights and a few jail visits and lots of prayers for both of us.
Take good care of you and hang in there ~ this isn't easy but together with our HP we can make it!
PINK HUGS
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Thank you for sharing that, MsPINK! There is a lot of peace and strength in your experience 
How is everyone tonight? Frankly, my day started off by being rear-ended while waiting at a red light *shakes head*. No damage to car or self!
No more news about my stepson today, either. I guess that's HP's way of giving Mr. S and I a bit of a break. We both have a lot of work and several deadlines coming up.
Hope you all are having a lovely evening!
How is everyone tonight? Frankly, my day started off by being rear-ended while waiting at a red light *shakes head*. No damage to car or self!
No more news about my stepson today, either. I guess that's HP's way of giving Mr. S and I a bit of a break. We both have a lot of work and several deadlines coming up.
Hope you all are having a lovely evening!
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My stepson tried to call his dad again yesterday, but my husband was in a meeting and could not take the call. It's probably for the best. After talking with him a bit more about the last conversation they had, he says his son is beginning to pull out the self-pity card. For a while we were hopeful because he truly sounded more mature and aware that he is responsible for himself. Now it sounds as though the addict mindset is returning.
Ms. PINK, how is your precious granddaughter? I'm so grateful she has you and Mr. PINK
Blackgnat, how is your son? Any additional word?
Lovenjoy, I know you are anxious for all the upcoming, well, events to get here. I'm sure it has felt like some odd sort of holding pattern for a bit now. I hope your son decides to seek help for his addiction and his depression.
Ms. PINK, how is your precious granddaughter? I'm so grateful she has you and Mr. PINK
Blackgnat, how is your son? Any additional word?
Lovenjoy, I know you are anxious for all the upcoming, well, events to get here. I'm sure it has felt like some odd sort of holding pattern for a bit now. I hope your son decides to seek help for his addiction and his depression.
happy, joyous an free!
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
Hi Seren - sorry about the fender bender, you ok? You and your husband are in my prayers, so hard sometimes to maintain our own peace.
Thanks for your kind thoughts for my son and I. We actually had a really good conversation about his upcoming surgery and he's doing meetings again. I kinda flipped out on him the other day and then let it drop. Well he came to me to talk about what was going on that day, which was a positive change. He wanted to talk about upcoming court and he's being very fatalistic about it so I suggested he open those NA books that are gathering dust and maybe some magic would happen! We have had some very open conversation about the 'addict voice' and I gave him a copy of a post here written about it by an addict and talked about SR. My suggestion about working his program so his thinking could improve while he addresses his stuff was well received. I don't initiate recovery talk with him but am giving input when he brings things up. Was able to tell him I am on his side and will help him beat this if he wants my help. He told me it's not something he can beat it's something he needs to live with - very true. But we both agreed he can beat being active!
Had a great alanon meeting tonight. It's a meditation meeting and I really like it. Different people every week so far so real interesting.
Keeping all us parents in prayer that we can know peace in our days and just love them. That's all we can do is love them. Since I've accepted his disease and accepted I am not the one who caused it, I can't control it and I can't cure it I am finding it easier to be loving to the beautiful person who is my son.
Thanks for your kind thoughts for my son and I. We actually had a really good conversation about his upcoming surgery and he's doing meetings again. I kinda flipped out on him the other day and then let it drop. Well he came to me to talk about what was going on that day, which was a positive change. He wanted to talk about upcoming court and he's being very fatalistic about it so I suggested he open those NA books that are gathering dust and maybe some magic would happen! We have had some very open conversation about the 'addict voice' and I gave him a copy of a post here written about it by an addict and talked about SR. My suggestion about working his program so his thinking could improve while he addresses his stuff was well received. I don't initiate recovery talk with him but am giving input when he brings things up. Was able to tell him I am on his side and will help him beat this if he wants my help. He told me it's not something he can beat it's something he needs to live with - very true. But we both agreed he can beat being active!
Had a great alanon meeting tonight. It's a meditation meeting and I really like it. Different people every week so far so real interesting.
Keeping all us parents in prayer that we can know peace in our days and just love them. That's all we can do is love them. Since I've accepted his disease and accepted I am not the one who caused it, I can't control it and I can't cure it I am finding it easier to be loving to the beautiful person who is my son.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Yakima,WA
Posts: 10
Hello. I've been visiting here for a few weeks. This is my first post. I've learned a lot but this thread has been a true blessing. My AS has been out of rehab 5 months and everyday is a new experience. He is attending AA meetings several times a week and trying to find a job. I found Alanon while he was in rehab and it has helped so much. We both have a long way to go but at last we're on the right road.
Thank you all for the help you given me without even knowing I was out there looking. M
Thank you all for the help you given me without even knowing I was out there looking. M
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Mustang, and Welcome to SR!
Five months sober is wonderful news! I can just begin to imagine the roller coaster this whole ride has been. You have found your way to a great place for support and shared experience here at SR.
Remember in all of this that it's OK to make yourself a priority, too. Encouraged, in fact. Alcoholism really does affect the entire family of an alcoholic, and I'm glad you found the 'real world' support of Al-Anon! Stop by here any time!!
Welcome, again!
Five months sober is wonderful news! I can just begin to imagine the roller coaster this whole ride has been. You have found your way to a great place for support and shared experience here at SR.
Remember in all of this that it's OK to make yourself a priority, too. Encouraged, in fact. Alcoholism really does affect the entire family of an alcoholic, and I'm glad you found the 'real world' support of Al-Anon! Stop by here any time!!
Welcome, again!
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Good morning to all the parents!!
Enabler1, how are things in your home? Still drama from your younger son? I hope things have settled down.
Lovenjoy, it sounds like you had a really good talk with your son. I hope that some of the NA reading will really sink in for him I like your 'let him come to me' approach!!
I everyone's day is filled with peace and joy!
Enabler1, how are things in your home? Still drama from your younger son? I hope things have settled down.
Lovenjoy, it sounds like you had a really good talk with your son. I hope that some of the NA reading will really sink in for him
I like your 'let him come to me' approach!!I everyone's day is filled with peace and joy!
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Good Morning all ~
Thanks for asking Seren ~ our Sunshine is doing ok ~ things have been a little confusing for a 9 yr old ~
As you know Mr.PINK had a stroke in Nov and hasn't returned to work yet ~ he is doing much better now, but it has been a struggle. New meds and changes from the stroke affected his easy going personality. He became a quick tempered frustrated person, which is sometimes takes all of my recovery to cope with so you can imagine how difficult it has been for her to see her PawPaw become this different person.
By God's grace - things are getting better daily and he goes back to the Dr the middle of March to see about hopefully returning to work.
Also, Sunshine's Dad, Mr.PINK's youngest son, has been staying with us since Christmas. He is homeless, jobless and of course broke. Louisiana has had one of the worst winters in many many years. So it has been a comfort to Mr.PINK to not have him living on the streets and he has not actively drank or used in our home.
He has also helped Mr.PINK with many things around the house that he hasn't been able to do since the stroke.
Mr.PINK & I agreed it would be a temporary thing & we would pray that our HP would let us know when the time was right for it to end. So far all has gone smoothly ~ Sunshine treats him more like a big brother than a dad.
I am having to work lots more on my second job to make up for the income Mr. PINK isn't bringing in (he's only receiving a base pay not his normal salary) so she doesn't get as much time with me as she is accustom too.
SO ~ That's a lot of changes for me as an adult - I know it is so much for her ~ she seems to be doing ok ~ it's time for her counseling appointment ~ hopefully she will share her feelings with her counselor - she has been doing well in the past with that.
We just keep going on ~ ODAT, Breathe in, Breathe out, This too shall pass and we will make it through ~
Hope everyone has a pinktastic day!
PINK HUGS!
Thanks for asking Seren ~ our Sunshine is doing ok ~ things have been a little confusing for a 9 yr old ~
As you know Mr.PINK had a stroke in Nov and hasn't returned to work yet ~ he is doing much better now, but it has been a struggle. New meds and changes from the stroke affected his easy going personality. He became a quick tempered frustrated person, which is sometimes takes all of my recovery to cope with so you can imagine how difficult it has been for her to see her PawPaw become this different person.
By God's grace - things are getting better daily and he goes back to the Dr the middle of March to see about hopefully returning to work.
Also, Sunshine's Dad, Mr.PINK's youngest son, has been staying with us since Christmas. He is homeless, jobless and of course broke. Louisiana has had one of the worst winters in many many years. So it has been a comfort to Mr.PINK to not have him living on the streets and he has not actively drank or used in our home.
He has also helped Mr.PINK with many things around the house that he hasn't been able to do since the stroke.
Mr.PINK & I agreed it would be a temporary thing & we would pray that our HP would let us know when the time was right for it to end. So far all has gone smoothly ~ Sunshine treats him more like a big brother than a dad.
I am having to work lots more on my second job to make up for the income Mr. PINK isn't bringing in (he's only receiving a base pay not his normal salary) so she doesn't get as much time with me as she is accustom too.
SO ~ That's a lot of changes for me as an adult - I know it is so much for her ~ she seems to be doing ok ~ it's time for her counseling appointment ~ hopefully she will share her feelings with her counselor - she has been doing well in the past with that.
We just keep going on ~ ODAT, Breathe in, Breathe out, This too shall pass and we will make it through ~
Hope everyone has a pinktastic day!
PINK HUGS!
happy, joyous an free!
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
Hi Everybody - keeping all in prayer for moments of true peace in our day. This thread means a lot to me, other parents experiencing the full gambit of emotions in watching a child struggle with their demons.
SR and meetings are really helping me find some balance in my life. 'Just for Today' saying got me back on track this morning as my brain started racing away with the what ifs.
Today my son is clean. Today I am working a job I love. Today my grand baby comes home and will be here for dinner and bedtime. Just for today I will enjoy what is right in my world and allow my HP to lead.
Take care of YOU, just for today…..
SR and meetings are really helping me find some balance in my life. 'Just for Today' saying got me back on track this morning as my brain started racing away with the what ifs.
Today my son is clean. Today I am working a job I love. Today my grand baby comes home and will be here for dinner and bedtime. Just for today I will enjoy what is right in my world and allow my HP to lead.
Take care of YOU, just for today…..
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Illinois
Posts: 57
Hi Seren: Thanks for asking about my son, I started a job (don't know if I will like it tho) so at least I am not home. He has not found a job, and sits in the house all day on the computer. He has been cleaning kitchen and picking up a bit, but he is not 100% sober. He has not attended any meetings, and his eyes seem glazed. Drama is gone, cuz he is not communicating w/us, or talking much. I do buy him cigs(ugh) but do NOT give him any cash. I do enjoy reading the posts, and you are very kind. Hope all is well w/your ss, he sure has a battle on his hands.
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Lovenjoy, thank you for asking about the accident. I really was not hurt at all, and the car is not damaged...just startled the daylights out of me! Yay for time with your grandbaby!
Enabler1, It certainly is a process. Letting our children live with us with very strong boundaries, or kicking them out because it is clear they won't respect boundaries, is a very hard struggle. Sometimes I don't think my husband would ever have asked his son to move if we had not found a crack pipe in his room. For some reason, that was the straw that broke the camels back on top of all the lounging around and wasting his life away. Once confronted with eviction, he became an evil and threatening man...which I think gave my husband the courage of his convictions and to make sure he was out and the locksmith scheduled for the same day--pass code changed on the alarm system.
I'm glad that at least things are a bit peaceful now. How is the job going?
MsPINK, maybe this time with your stepson is just what everyone needs, for right now. Prayers for peace and strength to you and yours!
Enabler1, It certainly is a process. Letting our children live with us with very strong boundaries, or kicking them out because it is clear they won't respect boundaries, is a very hard struggle. Sometimes I don't think my husband would ever have asked his son to move if we had not found a crack pipe in his room. For some reason, that was the straw that broke the camels back on top of all the lounging around and wasting his life away. Once confronted with eviction, he became an evil and threatening man...which I think gave my husband the courage of his convictions and to make sure he was out and the locksmith scheduled for the same day--pass code changed on the alarm system.
I'm glad that at least things are a bit peaceful now. How is the job going?
MsPINK, maybe this time with your stepson is just what everyone needs, for right now. Prayers for peace and strength to you and yours!
happy, joyous an free!
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
Hi All! I had a revelation about myself today in regards to my conversation with RAS yesterday. I decided to share it here because it is an affirmation of the change that can happen for us, the parents when we devote time to healing ourselves.
I didn't even know it happened at the time it happened which to me shows real healing on my part. When my son started talking about his upcoming court and the possibility of going to jail he was saying how he would need to talk to XAGF so he could see if she was going to file anything in family court and I didn't really engage much as it is his consequence not mine. Then he said he would need to figure things out with her as 'will you be able to even see her' meaning me seeing my granddaughter and I just said work your program and maybe you can make better things happen.
The revelation that came today is that he was prodding me to jump in and 'fix' things and get irate and anxious and real involved when he said 'you might not even be able to see her' if he goes to jail. And it never entered my mind to go there with him! Never entered my mind! Wow. It really works. Take care of ourselves, find our own peace and handling the chaos of their situation becomes manageable.
I am so grateful I woke up and stopped the spiral I was on. It was a painful place to be as we all know. But it really can get better. I am proof positive! And this revaluation is a real affirmation that I need to address my own issues and let him address his. I love him. I am here for him if he needs me. But in a much more healthy way. And if he goes to jail it will be painful. If I can't see my grand baby it will break my heart. But I know my HP will get me through anything that comes and that brings me peace.
I didn't even know it happened at the time it happened which to me shows real healing on my part. When my son started talking about his upcoming court and the possibility of going to jail he was saying how he would need to talk to XAGF so he could see if she was going to file anything in family court and I didn't really engage much as it is his consequence not mine. Then he said he would need to figure things out with her as 'will you be able to even see her' meaning me seeing my granddaughter and I just said work your program and maybe you can make better things happen.
The revelation that came today is that he was prodding me to jump in and 'fix' things and get irate and anxious and real involved when he said 'you might not even be able to see her' if he goes to jail. And it never entered my mind to go there with him! Never entered my mind! Wow. It really works. Take care of ourselves, find our own peace and handling the chaos of their situation becomes manageable.
I am so grateful I woke up and stopped the spiral I was on. It was a painful place to be as we all know. But it really can get better. I am proof positive! And this revaluation is a real affirmation that I need to address my own issues and let him address his. I love him. I am here for him if he needs me. But in a much more healthy way. And if he goes to jail it will be painful. If I can't see my grand baby it will break my heart. But I know my HP will get me through anything that comes and that brings me peace.
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It's the weekend, so what can we do for fun!!!
Good morning to the Moms and Dads! How are you going to have fun...for yourself...this weekend?!
It's time we gave ourselves a little break from the daily worries that come with being the parent of a struggling addict.
Mr. S and I are going to a play this evening! I haven't been to a play since I was in, well, high school. And we won't talk about how long ago that has been
It's a local university production, so we aren't talking Broadway here...still, I'm looking forward to it~!
It doesn't have to be anything major or spectacular. I know that sometimes having fun seems like an impossibility. At the height of my stepson's crack career, it could be something as small as spending time in the local park enjoying the outdoors.
So, join me! I'm going to go 'play'!
It's time we gave ourselves a little break from the daily worries that come with being the parent of a struggling addict.
Mr. S and I are going to a play this evening! I haven't been to a play since I was in, well, high school. And we won't talk about how long ago that has been
It's a local university production, so we aren't talking Broadway here...still, I'm looking forward to it~!
It doesn't have to be anything major or spectacular. I know that sometimes having fun seems like an impossibility. At the height of my stepson's crack career, it could be something as small as spending time in the local park enjoying the outdoors.
So, join me! I'm going to go 'play'!
happy, joyous an free!
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
Good morning all.
Heavy heart this am. My niece who is so very dear to me got really tragic news at her work place. She works with kids and I know she is just devastated right now. So hard to know what would comfort her. I am following her lead and right now she can't talk about it. In fact she didn't tell me, she told my son, her cousin. We are very close and I know she knows I'm here and that is enough.
Sorry for the low tone, I just needed to voice this somewhere and I know how much people here care. It also puts my troubles in perspective. Prayers for comfort for this beautiful young lady who is in pain would be appreciated.
Heavy heart this am. My niece who is so very dear to me got really tragic news at her work place. She works with kids and I know she is just devastated right now. So hard to know what would comfort her. I am following her lead and right now she can't talk about it. In fact she didn't tell me, she told my son, her cousin. We are very close and I know she knows I'm here and that is enough.
Sorry for the low tone, I just needed to voice this somewhere and I know how much people here care. It also puts my troubles in perspective. Prayers for comfort for this beautiful young lady who is in pain would be appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Illinois
Posts: 57
Today, I quit my job of 3 days. I cannot focus, I can't sleep, so I sleep until 11:00 a.m. I can't shut my brain off at night. I feel I can't catch on with new software programs. I am going to be 59, and have always been sharp and multi-tasker. I told my husband that the stress of having my 2 adult sons live here is making it xtra stressful. There is no drama here, per se, but my As just sits on computer. I know I need to get out and work for my sanity, but I think my sanity has already been compromised. I think I might have a touch of agoraphobia? I know I need both of my sons' out. I am almost thinking of selling our house and moving w/out letting my sons' know. Sorry for the whining, feeling sorry for myself! Thanks for the posts. How do I post new messages? I don't think I am using this program correctly.
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Oh, Enabler1, I'm so sorry! You aren't crazy, and you are not too old. I'm 50 and am working toward a PhD
I do understand how distracting your home situation can be. It was awful trying to get work done when my stepson was in his 'crack crazies'! Some days, I managed to push aside everything else and just concentrate on my work. Some days, that was not possible.
A parent's first instinct is to protect and care for their children...and that is true up to a point. Once they become young adults, we are actually harming them by letting them live with us, not work, not contribute to the household in any way. We aren't going to be around to take care of them forever...they need to learn to live as responsible and independent adults.
Are there any boundaries for your sons as far as continuing to live in your home? Are they expected to do their own laundry, clean up their own rooms, contribute financially for utlities and food? Perhaps beginning there would be a good start. Maybe sit down with them and explain the bills and what you expect them to contribute beginning next month. If neither of them currently have a job, then their job until they get one is to look for work, actively, each and every day--in the meantime, they can take care of the yard, clean, or whatever chores that people must do to make a home function.
These are all just thoughts....you are probably very like me in that you do not like confrontation, and I get that....really I do! However, your situation will not change until you do something to change it. Your son's are very comfortable with the way things are because they have not motivation to change.
I really am sorry you are going through all of this! I've been there!
I do understand how distracting your home situation can be. It was awful trying to get work done when my stepson was in his 'crack crazies'! Some days, I managed to push aside everything else and just concentrate on my work. Some days, that was not possible.
A parent's first instinct is to protect and care for their children...and that is true up to a point. Once they become young adults, we are actually harming them by letting them live with us, not work, not contribute to the household in any way. We aren't going to be around to take care of them forever...they need to learn to live as responsible and independent adults.
Are there any boundaries for your sons as far as continuing to live in your home? Are they expected to do their own laundry, clean up their own rooms, contribute financially for utlities and food? Perhaps beginning there would be a good start. Maybe sit down with them and explain the bills and what you expect them to contribute beginning next month. If neither of them currently have a job, then their job until they get one is to look for work, actively, each and every day--in the meantime, they can take care of the yard, clean, or whatever chores that people must do to make a home function.
These are all just thoughts....you are probably very like me in that you do not like confrontation, and I get that....really I do! However, your situation will not change until you do something to change it. Your son's are very comfortable with the way things are because they have not motivation to change.
I really am sorry you are going through all of this! I've been there!
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