For the parents...daily support thread
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hi Momma team! Still working hard, quit smoking 8 days ago and dealing with my own "withdrawals" but getting stronger every day. JJ still at Salvation Army, but I got a call from another "graduate" who said he is in blackout for two more weeks. Most likely he didn't do a chore or some nonsense so he pays the price. Seren, sending prayers for your continued peace an your sons safety.
Loves you all!
TT
Loves you all!
TT
Forum Leader
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Lovenjoy!! I'm going through major life changes, too. Also, that have nothing to do with addiction. Stress is through the roof!! Lots of prayer this week--but Holy Week is a good week to pray, n'est pas? Hope your week turns sunny and bright with daffodils!
Twofour, you are so very kind to offer. Just like lovenjoy, it's not addiction related and very complicated and would fill page after page of this forum if I let it
This, too, shall pass! 
Twofish, it's good to see you! We definitely deserve to have a good week!!
TT, I'm sorry to hear about your son's little infraction but am thrilled he is still in the program. What wonderful news!
Wishing us all a warm, lovely, sunny day!
Twofour, you are so very kind to offer. Just like lovenjoy, it's not addiction related and very complicated and would fill page after page of this forum if I let it
This, too, shall pass! Twofish, it's good to see you! We definitely deserve to have a good week!!
TT, I'm sorry to hear about your son's little infraction but am thrilled he is still in the program. What wonderful news!
Wishing us all a warm, lovely, sunny day!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Seren, wishing you relief from your stressful situation! Life! always changing, but it seems that some things never change..lol.
I am just taking it a day at a time here. Son is not causing much grief here, aside from the grief I feel at his lost chances, lost time, lost dreams, etc.
I was thinking yesterday about how I had NO good parenting examples...my parents were both alcoholic. I feel like I have parented my children blindly, only having my deep love for them to guide me, often missing the mark as far as good parenting goes.
I had no idea of what boundaries were, until the last 10 years or so. Its been hard learning, and even h arder implementing them.
To me, loving your child seems to be all that they need, but rules, and important life lessons need to be part of that. I had no role models to learn from. I think I was so totally in love with the first child, the first pure love in my life, that I tried to always make him happy. That seemed to be what parents should do, right? Hindsight is painful sometimes. Of course, my two successive children , both girls, were loved unconditionally as well, but there is a strange dynamic in my foo, of catering, or maybe crippling our males.. there are no good male role models in my family of origin...their dad, pretty much useless as a father.
what does a parent do, when they had no role models? how do we learn how to parent in a way that raises a healthy child, when we are not really healthy ourselves?
anyway, not to be negative here! Just realizing that I am not responsible for my son's happiness, and that I cannot fix it. I am detaching more than I ever did, as far as trying to find solutions for him. I know he has problems, anxiety, avoidance of responsibility due to fear of failure, etc. He needs counselling, but how is he gonna see that?
Hopeful here. as always, that somehow this will get better. boundaries. they are so important.
hugs,
chicory
I am just taking it a day at a time here. Son is not causing much grief here, aside from the grief I feel at his lost chances, lost time, lost dreams, etc.
I was thinking yesterday about how I had NO good parenting examples...my parents were both alcoholic. I feel like I have parented my children blindly, only having my deep love for them to guide me, often missing the mark as far as good parenting goes.
I had no idea of what boundaries were, until the last 10 years or so. Its been hard learning, and even h arder implementing them.
To me, loving your child seems to be all that they need, but rules, and important life lessons need to be part of that. I had no role models to learn from. I think I was so totally in love with the first child, the first pure love in my life, that I tried to always make him happy. That seemed to be what parents should do, right? Hindsight is painful sometimes. Of course, my two successive children , both girls, were loved unconditionally as well, but there is a strange dynamic in my foo, of catering, or maybe crippling our males.. there are no good male role models in my family of origin...their dad, pretty much useless as a father.
what does a parent do, when they had no role models? how do we learn how to parent in a way that raises a healthy child, when we are not really healthy ourselves?
anyway, not to be negative here! Just realizing that I am not responsible for my son's happiness, and that I cannot fix it. I am detaching more than I ever did, as far as trying to find solutions for him. I know he has problems, anxiety, avoidance of responsibility due to fear of failure, etc. He needs counselling, but how is he gonna see that?
Hopeful here. as always, that somehow this will get better. boundaries. they are so important.
hugs,
chicory
Forum Leader
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
chicory 
It would be nice if children came with instruction manuals, right?
Although my parents were not abusive, addicted, or neglectful, they have an utter inability to show affection. I know my parents love me in their own way, but they are not affectionate people.
Love and affection, I think, are a good place to start. When we know better, we do better.
Sending hugs!!
It would be nice if children came with instruction manuals, right?
Although my parents were not abusive, addicted, or neglectful, they have an utter inability to show affection. I know my parents love me in their own way, but they are not affectionate people.
Love and affection, I think, are a good place to start. When we know better, we do better.
Sending hugs!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 277
So great to hear from everyone ....I know everyone has there own stuff with addicts but I have to say thanks to all of you. I was so desperate for knowledge and insight and you all have helped me so much with your posts. I thank you for the bottom of my heart.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 277
I got a call from rehab saying my son is really vested in this at this time. I pray for him but know its only as good as he makes it. I find my struggle now is that I know him living here is a set back. I am not in position to do what he needs as a sober living environment would do. I am working with counselor on the guilt I feel with those Thoughts.... Ty
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 146
Twofour, I had to face this last summer except that my AS refused to go to a sober living house and insisted he come to my house. I knew it would not be good for him. We live too far out of town for him to bike or walk anywhere and he knows no one. I had to cart him everywhere (meetings, appointments, interviews) and it was too much of a strain for both of us. He relapsed rather quickly and left to go back to his old life. But I must add that I don't think he was totally committed to sobriety. Somewhere in there, he still believed he could have a drink with friends and control the situation.
Point being, please don't allow guilt to swamp you. The addict can manipulate that guilt so easily. He needs the responsibility and accountability that comes from a sober living house.
Point being, please don't allow guilt to swamp you. The addict can manipulate that guilt so easily. He needs the responsibility and accountability that comes from a sober living house.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Dear Two, what I have learned with my son during his stays in rehab is to STAY OUT of the way as much as possible. The triggers are always there for me and when I hear good news, I am on cloud nine and when I hear any concerning news (or no news) then I worry and fret. The people in your sons rehab can become excellent supporters and a new network for your son. You can also engage in your support system so you grasp the full understanding of what early recovery means. One mistake I made was I thought JJ would be "normal" after his rehab at Freedom Ranch, we let him come home and then he relapsed because nothing had changed in our basic relationship. I now respect and understand the power of this addiction and I must not go back to my enabling ways. I also know that if JJ truly wants sobriety, it is there with all of the support he needs if he surrounds himself with recovery. His program is a minimum of 6 months, he is 28 days in. I am patiently hoping, praying but keeping out of his path for now. Hugs to all us Moms!
TT
TT
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 349
Twofour- when my son was in rehab the first time I sent cards but was over the top about it, sending one every other day. Thinking back to that time, I wonder if I was sending all those cards , with hand written notes and letters, for his sake or mine. Maybe it was a way of me putting my feelings down in writing when I should have been keeping a journal. either way, I think I went to far and probably should have stepped back and not sent so many.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear Twofour,
I see it as a form of support. A card that says I love you, can put the hope into
our children's lives. I didn't visit but once when my RAD was detoxing. I sent her
a card telling her how much I loved her. Simple. Love from a mother to her
child...
TF
I see it as a form of support. A card that says I love you, can put the hope into
our children's lives. I didn't visit but once when my RAD was detoxing. I sent her
a card telling her how much I loved her. Simple. Love from a mother to her
child...
TF
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear Seren and all the other affected mommas,
I've been bothered, worried and just alittle too old to honor a request my daughter asked
of me last week.
She wants me to take her newborn son (8 weeks) so she can go off to an inpatient
program to detox from Suboxone, she thinks it will be about a 30 day stay, hummmm
That suboxone drug, which I'm not fond of, is no medication to play around with. Or
a drug that you can detox from in a mere 30 days...??
From what I understand, its a med that you must taper off of for a long period...not 30
days, more like a year, and a slow controlled taper at that.
She's so sick of being sick...she just wants to be normal feeling and be done with the
addiction. She must surely realize It'a a disease for life?? I'm sorry if I sound negative, but addiction has destroyed so much of my family...
i've been thinking, does she have it in her to choose water over coffee when shes tired?
Or to say no to opiates when the craving engulfes her and yes to NO, to choose sobriety?
Does my daughter have that kind of strength or will or self power, in a mere 30 days to
know or tell the difference? To honor her sobriety? In 30 days?
To risk weakening that strong bond she has created between herself and her young son?
To take herself out of his life at such a tender age, to gamble that she can find the
strength to find and work on her sobriety? To be free again? Are they ever free?
This has been troubling and worrying me beyond codism.
Of course I would take her son and care and love him while she fixes herself. But there's
always a "BUT WHAT IF" in there.
Suboxone is a very difficult thing to detox from, it's a S L O W taper, months or even years
taper.
So now my mind wanders back to the heroin and methadone years...long half lifes, pain and
true suffering. And throw a beautiful child in the mix...her husband is not capable of
taking care of a messy diaper let alone full time dad. This is so sad.
So this has been a heart ache on me. yet drugs have crippled her emotionally and physically. Can or do I have it in me to help her? I'm her mother and I'm
his grandmother. This is very hard to think/consider about.
The power of addiction, will it overpower the love of a mother? I'm torn, and all this "crap" addiction brings with it, is starting all over again. Sadly, again. She's 23 yrs young.
I'm not looking for an answer, but for support, where I know it's safe to ask.
Thanks to anyone who reads my heavy thoughts...
TF
I've been bothered, worried and just alittle too old to honor a request my daughter asked
of me last week.
She wants me to take her newborn son (8 weeks) so she can go off to an inpatient
program to detox from Suboxone, she thinks it will be about a 30 day stay, hummmm
That suboxone drug, which I'm not fond of, is no medication to play around with. Or
a drug that you can detox from in a mere 30 days...??
From what I understand, its a med that you must taper off of for a long period...not 30
days, more like a year, and a slow controlled taper at that.
She's so sick of being sick...she just wants to be normal feeling and be done with the
addiction. She must surely realize It'a a disease for life?? I'm sorry if I sound negative, but addiction has destroyed so much of my family...
i've been thinking, does she have it in her to choose water over coffee when shes tired?
Or to say no to opiates when the craving engulfes her and yes to NO, to choose sobriety?
Does my daughter have that kind of strength or will or self power, in a mere 30 days to
know or tell the difference? To honor her sobriety? In 30 days?
To risk weakening that strong bond she has created between herself and her young son?
To take herself out of his life at such a tender age, to gamble that she can find the
strength to find and work on her sobriety? To be free again? Are they ever free?
This has been troubling and worrying me beyond codism.
Of course I would take her son and care and love him while she fixes herself. But there's
always a "BUT WHAT IF" in there.
Suboxone is a very difficult thing to detox from, it's a S L O W taper, months or even years
taper.
So now my mind wanders back to the heroin and methadone years...long half lifes, pain and
true suffering. And throw a beautiful child in the mix...her husband is not capable of
taking care of a messy diaper let alone full time dad. This is so sad.
So this has been a heart ache on me. yet drugs have crippled her emotionally and physically. Can or do I have it in me to help her? I'm her mother and I'm
his grandmother. This is very hard to think/consider about.
The power of addiction, will it overpower the love of a mother? I'm torn, and all this "crap" addiction brings with it, is starting all over again. Sadly, again. She's 23 yrs young.
I'm not looking for an answer, but for support, where I know it's safe to ask.
Thanks to anyone who reads my heavy thoughts...
TF
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear Jaeger,
The sweet baby was an unexpected blessing to their family. She did'nt know she was pregnaunt until she was well past 12 weeks along. She had no clue, no morning sickness or cravings. She was recovering from a tramatic moped/SUV accident 4 months prior. So her now husband had come over to keep her company during her recovery period...with the bedroom door shut! So a beautiful son was concieved.
He was just graduated from a western university, still in student mode. He was friends with my daughter in highschool. He has mostly been sober despite the drinking that goes on in college. He now is in grad school "and needs sleep" but I see the love for my RAD and grandson when i see them together. He's in the picture but not very helpful.
He works and goes to school and supports my daughter and their son, I don't think he could care for the baby, work and go to school. I live 2 hrs away so I can't just drop over each day to babysit while she is in rehab. See how I'm getting sucked into this again? The baby, which my RAD has asked me to take care of while she is away to detox. She believes it will take 30 days to detox from suboxone. Maybe I'm being negative, but I really believe this drug needs to be slowly tapered off of...like 6 months to a year taper.
I'm trying to tell my brain to stay out of it, to say NO, sorry, I can't take your baby...but my heart is pulling me in the other direction...to take her baby, temporarily, to love and raise him until she gets healthy. I'm at that fork in the road....do I do it or not?
Addiction, your'e creeping into our lives again
TF
The sweet baby was an unexpected blessing to their family. She did'nt know she was pregnaunt until she was well past 12 weeks along. She had no clue, no morning sickness or cravings. She was recovering from a tramatic moped/SUV accident 4 months prior. So her now husband had come over to keep her company during her recovery period...with the bedroom door shut! So a beautiful son was concieved.
He was just graduated from a western university, still in student mode. He was friends with my daughter in highschool. He has mostly been sober despite the drinking that goes on in college. He now is in grad school "and needs sleep" but I see the love for my RAD and grandson when i see them together. He's in the picture but not very helpful.
He works and goes to school and supports my daughter and their son, I don't think he could care for the baby, work and go to school. I live 2 hrs away so I can't just drop over each day to babysit while she is in rehab. See how I'm getting sucked into this again? The baby, which my RAD has asked me to take care of while she is away to detox. She believes it will take 30 days to detox from suboxone. Maybe I'm being negative, but I really believe this drug needs to be slowly tapered off of...like 6 months to a year taper.
I'm trying to tell my brain to stay out of it, to say NO, sorry, I can't take your baby...but my heart is pulling me in the other direction...to take her baby, temporarily, to love and raise him until she gets healthy. I'm at that fork in the road....do I do it or not?
Addiction, your'e creeping into our lives again
TF
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 277
Twofish such a large dilemma and I am so sorry for what you are going thru. Truly wish I had a response that made sense....are you feeling like its a way of avoiding motherhood? Does she have a doctor working with her? Everything I have read is it should take longer as well. Please reach out to a sponsor I'm sorry. I feel your pain. I support and pray for your tough decision.
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