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-   -   Bethany's accountability thread (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/eating-disorders/438845-bethanys-accountability-thread.html)

Bethany57 05-27-2019 06:23 AM

Bethany's accountability thread
 
Hi: I just have to post here and ask for help for support. I cannot control my binge eating. I will do well for a few days and ALWAYS binge eat on the weekends. Yesterday I ate massive amount of food. I just cannot seem to get through a few days of eating healthy and then screw it all up. I always feel so awful and guilty after I do this. I read so many threads of people with drinking problems and food is mine. One cookie and I may as well eat the whole package. Well today is Day 1 for me. I want to at least try to make it through a week. I will try to post here and hope that will hold me accountable. If you can offer encouragement I would love that. Thank you so much for reading this. Day one and feeling encouraged. I am so "food hung over" from yesterday though the thought of binge eating is not there today. Usually happens about Thursday or Friday. If you can recommend any podcasts for this that would help too! Thank you!

HankHaloperidol 05-27-2019 07:51 PM

The last best recovery related podcast I listened to:
podcasts dot apple dot com/us/podcast/joe-charlie-big-book-comes-alive/id687141143
Every time I'm on a food binge, I can't help but think how similar the behavior is to my former drinking.

I ask myself, how many times did I quit smoking before I was finally done with it? How many times did I try to quit drinking? Well, how many times do I have to eat binge foods before I learn my lesson? One of these times, as long as I keep trying, I'm sure I'll succeed, because I finally did quit smoking and drinking.

My AA sponsor recently recommended the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I got a lot out of the book.

One part of the book talked about forgiving ourselves. Okay Okay, I can forgive myself, no problem, but I really treated myself badly for many years, especially with the food thing. The foods I've eaten have really done a lot of damage to my body, and have caused considerable pain. I can forgive myself, yes, but I realized I also need to make amends to myself. A food plan, eating healthy, (and weight loss) is the amends I owe myself.

Good luck!

Bethany57 05-28-2019 06:50 AM

Thank you so much for your reply. I will check out podcast. I did really good yesterday but like I said my pattern is doing well all week and they really screwing up on the weekend. I KNOW this about myself but continue to do it. I need to have my cholesterol checked again in 2 weeks so really hoping and praying that will keep me motivated. I will check in again soon. Thank you for your support.

LifeRecovery 05-28-2019 06:08 PM

Bethany-

I am curious if you might benefit from being accountable up front rather than after the fact. For example if you shared a food plan for the day, rather than reported on how "good" or "bad" you were. That can be so subjective, especially when you are in it.

I also find that for me when I am struggling it if sometimes less about food and more about lack of sleep, feeling overwhelmed etc. Thursdays tend to be the hardest day of the week for me with food for that reason.

Lastly I am curious about what works in the beginning of the week for you? Why does it work? Sometimes building on my success is the best way for me to go.

Bethany57 05-29-2019 03:56 AM

LifeRecovery....thank you so much for your reply! You are so right about so many things. I do love your idea about being accountable upfront rather than after. You may be onto something there ! I will do that this Friday and Saturday which are my worst days. I also totally agree with you it is usually about something else besides food. I do suffer from insomnia. That has been going on for y ears. By the end of the week I am tired and exhausted from work. I work Tuesday -Saturday so Friday and Saturday are usually days I am so tired. Not sure what helps me in the beginning (Monday). I think I usually am food hungover on Mondays so I really don't even want to binge and Mondays always seem like a new beginning for me. I feel so much better physically AND emotionally when I eat healthy. I do agree that a big thing for me is the insomnia and exhaustion by the end of the week. Sometimes I will begin to crave something and you just cannot stop me from eating it- I feel like it is a force. I compare myself to an alcoholic who cannot have one drink. Thank you for your response and it definitely gave me lots to think about.

Bethany57 05-31-2019 10:38 AM

I just wanted to check in. I have really been eating healthy all week and feeling amazing. The only problem is I am not sleeping well. When I binge eat and eat a lot of sugar I just pass out and sleep better- doesn't make sense but that is what happens. I only got about 4 hours of sleep last night even though I exercised (swimming ) yesterday . Tomorrow I run a 5 k and then to work. Saturday night is usually my downfall so I will be extra vigilant. If I get through this weekend I may need to reward myself (not with food but maybe some flowers or something nice). That is my plan going forward. Thank you for reading this.

LifeRecovery 05-31-2019 07:26 PM

Carbohydrates of any kind allow our body to produce chemicals (I think it is serotonin in this case but am not 100% sure) and it often helps us to sleep.

I find similar responses to food later in the day.

Good luck with your behavior around food tomorrow. Regardless of your consumption know that for me food behavior was not a personality problem but a journey around which I could heal.

I am a natural morning person so know that this next part may not apply. I have to be careful to not exercise to late in the day.....or the feel good endorphins keep me up. I have to be sensitive with other things later in the day also for similar reasons. If only my life could be lived all before 10am I would be a much happier person.

For me later in the day eating is in part because of fatigue though also, as it often is later in the week too.

HankHaloperidol 06-02-2019 02:24 AM

I get the insomnia when I'm on a very carb restricted eating plan. It makes me nervous because of the association between lack of sleep and manic episodes.

Bethany57 06-03-2019 05:44 AM

Wow....I am on to day 8 and have not had a binge in a week. No sugar for one week - and I am feeling so good. I am already worried about his weekend though (Oh yeah I like to worry - a lot). I am going a way to beach for weekend and I know there will be lots of junk food and going out to eat. I will be very diligent. I am going to keep posting in this thread. How do you find out about the OA online meetings? Thank you again for anyone who reads or responds to my post. Means a lot of me and I am always open for suggestions.

LifeRecovery 06-03-2019 03:05 PM

Honestly you can typically just do a google search of online OA meetings most of the time.

Do you have a plan for the weekend? What is it? Diligent can mean so many different things to so many different people is why I ask.

Bethany57 06-04-2019 04:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LifeRecovery (Post 7197786)
Do you have a plan for the weekend? What is it? Diligent can mean so many different things to so many different people is why I ask.

You know LR I really have to think about that! I know I will exercise every morning (this is a retreat -the days start with a long run- weather permitting). I think that alone will start my day in the right way. Dinners are what I am most worried about. Restaurants serve way to much food. When I get a large plate of food I feel it is my duty to finish it all (maybe a message from childhood). Crazy as it sounds but when I am full I just want to eat more-especially carbs. So portion control will be hard for me. Also my husband is going - not to retreat but we will be sharing dinners he likes to eat and drink which is hard for me to. If you have any suggestions I would love to hear them. Thank you for reading my thread. I will bring some books along too for inspiration.

emme99 06-04-2019 10:44 PM

Hi Bethany :) I donít have a lot of advice as I have similar struggles, however one thing I heard or read about restaurants is asking for a to go container with your meal and then packing up part of the meal before you begin so you can eat everything on your plate without worry. Iíve never done it, but itís something that stuck with me.

Anyway, just really here to offer my support and say great job on day 8 :)

Bethany57 06-05-2019 04:02 AM

Thank you emme! I was motivated by your thread in Fitness and didn't want to hijack yours so I started this. I hope it keeps me accountable. This weekend will be a real test. Thank you for your support.

Bethany57 06-07-2019 05:23 AM

Ugh.....been a bad last two days with binging. I just hate myself when I do this. I know what my triggers are too....i was very stressed and tired and that really set it off. I know the trigger but I just cannot stop the action. I am back on day one. Going away for the weekend too which will be so hard. Let me just get through today.

emme99 06-08-2019 09:15 AM

Thinking of you Bethany and hoping your weekend is going well :)

LifeRecovery 06-10-2019 12:23 PM

Bethany

I am sorry you had some struggles at the end of last week.

I am going to challenge you a little: What does a binge look like? As you list it you make it sound like part of you, rather than a behavior you are doing.....is why I ask.

How did this weekend go?

What are some easy self-care behaviors you can do for yourself around fatigue and stress?

I ask because I did not have any.....and this was part of the challenge for my food behavior. Food was my coping.

It has been amazing how much less binge behavior I do now that I allow myself naps.

Bethany57 06-11-2019 06:36 AM

Thank you all for your kind replies. The weekend went OK not a full out binge every day but I definitely ate more than I should. LR thank you for advice. Yes, naps are very helpful for me. The thing is I suffer from insomnia and do try to limit naps. I have been exercising though and feel good about that. Yesterday went to grocery and bought a lot of healthy food. I am on day two and will be really mindful of my eating this week. Thank you all again for your comments.

LifeRecovery 06-11-2019 11:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bethany57 (Post 7203423)
Thank you all for your kind replies. The weekend went OK not a full out binge every day but I definitely ate more than I should. LR thank you for advice. Yes, naps are very helpful for me. The thing is I suffer from insomnia and do try to limit naps. I have been exercising though and feel good about that. Yesterday went to grocery and bought a lot of healthy food. I am on day two and will be really mindful of my eating this week. Thank you all again for your comments.

Bethany-

I am curious what mindful eating looks like for you, what does eating more than I should look like for you? I know I keep hammering this point but it is pretty ambiguous and that is for me part of the good/bad eating mindset that gets me into trouble.

Sometimes I am so in my own head about food or other behaviors that I am not being logical. Sometimes I am so in my head that I miss out of enjoyable things and miss other opportunities for self-care. Sometimes I am so in my head that even if I am doing "well," I am being so judgemental to myself that I can't get out of my own way.

All of the mindset for me is part of my eating stuff too, and for me it is the trigger, rather than the result.

So naps are a double edged sword for you, what else do you participate in that is rejuvenation for you and relaxing? What else helps you with stress management?

Bethany57 06-11-2019 04:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LifeRecovery (Post 7203598)
Bethany-

I am curious what mindful eating looks like for you, what does eating more than I should look like for you? I know I keep hammering this point but it is pretty ambiguous and that is for me part of the good/bad eating mindset that gets me into trouble.

Sometimes I am so in my own head about food or other behaviors that I am not being logical. Sometimes I am so in my head that I miss out of enjoyable things and miss other opportunities for self-care. Sometimes I am so in my head that even if I am doing "well," I am being so judgemental to myself that I can't get out of my own way.

All of the mindset for me is part of my eating stuff too, and for me it is the trigger, rather than the result.

So naps are a double edged sword for you, what else do you participate in that is rejuvenation for you and relaxing? What else helps you with stress management?

Thank you so much LR for your time in responding. Mindful eating for me is basically eating whole foods- whole grains, fruit, vegetables. I rarely eat meat. Many times I will eat the same thing for days at a time. For example I eat ezekial bread (sprouted grain) with almond butter for breakfast. I had a big bowl of fruit with yogurt for lunch. Almonds for a snack and a big salad for dinner. I do get stressed really easily especially when I am tired. I have been fighting that for years. Also I do suffer from depression but mainly keep it at bay. I have been treated for depression for many years. When I binge eat I will get very depressed - upset with myself. I try to avoid sugar at all times. If I eat a cookie or something I will eat the whole bag - then go on to anything I can find that is bad. I don't have a problem with alcohol but I understand how some cannot have one drink. I am the same way with sweets. What I do for relaxation - I do swim and I do run. I run 10ks and I have ran a few half marathons and plan to run a few more this year. I really feel sugar is bad for you. I feel it effects my mind and body in bad ways. When I am on a binge I just don't care- but the next day I am very depressed. I hope I answered your question about mindful eating. I do have a lot of things in my life to be thankful for. I do think my glass is half full. Thank you again for your comment and suggestions.

LifeRecovery 06-13-2019 12:34 PM

Bethany-

Just a quick response, but I will respond more tomorrow.

Do you have anything in your life for stress management that is relaxing?

Don't get me wrong activity is stress management for me but sometime my disease shows up as being over-busy. For me reading, being with friends etc is stress management and allows me to slow down.


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