I have been on these boards for a long time and overall my recovery is in a good spot; no a great spot.
Especially the last 6-8 months I have been calling my life a sweet spot.
The last few weeks though have been more challenging. After a body work session, therapy, an MD appointment and a podcast on addiction, I think I have a better understanding of what is going on. I am hitting an old tender spot in my life that has been there since I was a small child and it is stirring up unresolved shame for me. I can appreciate and understand that it is another layer for me to deepen my healing, but I would rather just effortlessly stay in this sweet spot.
I don't have it fully processed yet but it is body size and shape related, and it is in part about all of the effort and energy I have put into trying to change my body. It is about not recognizing the positive about my body but trying to punish it into something else. It is about realizing that even as a small child I was uncomfortable in my own body.
I am tall, and I am naturally muscle bound. To the point that a body worker and my MD informed me that I don't "have" to ever lift weights. I am naturally athletic, and frankly love to move. I have spent my life not focusing on those lovely blessings though but being focused on the fact that I don't fit an ideal, and I am just starting to allow myself the space that I never will. Though okay with my physical shape at this time in my life a level of grief over lost time has entered my consciousness.
Food and activity choices have not been about true hunger, but about control and trying to change this as Oprah says my "Spiritual experience in a human body." I have long ignored the spiritual part and figured the rest would come into place when I whipped my human body into the "right," shape.
I have spent much of my life apologizing for taking up space and I think it is finally my time in recovery that I get to sit and be with that so I can heal this old long wound.
I have been fortunate in my life. Most of my dysfunction falls into two very related categories: co-dependent behaviors and eating disorder behaviors. I feel like both are a little more present now as this old way of being appears. Of course that makes sense. These behaviors saved my life and kept me safe at one time......but it time to be with them, heal them,and let them go
I am not asking for any solutions, just support. I also strongly believe that when I share my vulnerabilities they get divided up and it gives me a chance to not feel so isolated. It gives me a chance to see how "normal" this dysfunction of mine is.
Thanks for reading