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My personal blog post from 8/15/14.

Posted 10-22-2014 at 06:31 PM by VikingGF

What I don't miss.
Hangovers.
Dirty wineglasses on the counter.
Clanking recycle bin.
Red cheeks and arms.
Blackouts.
Dry heaves.
Panic.
Insomnia.
Self-loathing.
Self-loathing.
Self-loathing.
Self-loathing.
Helplessness.
Hopelessness.
Health phobias.
Dread of the future.
Fear of everything.
Ennui.
Despair.
Depression.
Isolation.


...
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Seriously?

Posted 07-14-2014 at 08:26 AM by VikingGF

Ok. Got through a whole weekend, which surprises me more than anyone. Woke up today feeling worse than ever, groggy, sad, overwhelmed. Kind of how I would feel any given morning after drinking myself to blackout. While I am aware that I don't have the horrible guilt that followed me around day after day, or the intense feeling of worthlessness, the overwhelming feeling of inadequacy is astonishing. With a couple of days of success, I was hoping to at least feel capable of moving forward, but I feel...
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Putting the bottle down.

Posted 07-14-2014 at 08:21 AM by VikingGF
Updated 12-25-2014 at 11:45 PM by VikingGF

July 12 2014- I did it. I went to a party full of strangers and drank Pellegrino all night. Came home sober, went to bed and read. I was ridiculously proud of myself as I remained one of the few people not slurring, stumbling, repeating themselves or needing redirection for my behavior (that is not a thing for me, ever, anyway.) Driving home, I was looking at the Super Moon, listening to the radio, and thinking how much I didn't want to swing by the wine store for my nightly wine fix. Nope, I was...
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Putting the bottle down.

Posted 07-14-2014 at 08:15 AM by VikingGF

I wish so hard that Caroline Knapp was still alive. While I never met her, her words resonate so loudly with me, I long to sit and have coffee with her and ask her where she found the strength to write so honestly about becoming sober. She, like me, never lost a job or killed anyone while driving drunk. She, like me put way too much importance on what others thought or felt about her, never seeing herself as important as she should have. She was in relationships that hurt her for far too long, had...
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Beginning of the end? Or the beginning.

Posted 07-14-2014 at 08:13 AM by VikingGF
Updated 12-25-2014 at 11:41 PM by VikingGF

I can't say it's been better. I have yet to see the light and turn my life around and make it all better. The loneliness and sadness are palpable, a weight I carry with me daily, along with my own weight, which is significant at this point. I fear I am waiting to die, I am petrified that I am trying to make it happen. There are days, most days, I would say, that I get out of bed by my sheer will alone- and there's not a lot left of that. I am dead inside. I find little to no joy in much of anything,...
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