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Feeling Blah

Posted 04-11-2010 at 03:45 PM by tyler

I just keep trying to shake the feeling, but it lingers with me. While I know I shouldn't dwell in the past, or probably even visit it at all, I am constantly drawn there to replay all my failures and loses. I think a sick part of me actually enjoys it in some way. I keep trying to "love myself" but can only manage not to hate, and not even that all of the time.

I still hold onto this illusion, this dream, of getting back with my ex. We've been apart for close to 7 years now, just doesn't seem possible. Neither of us have even dated since we seperated, neither of us have "moved on". I'm the one who asked for the divorce. I was a week or two out of the mental hospital from a suicide attempt, deep in debt, 1000 miles away, living with my parents, I just didn't see another way. I didn't want to drag her and my son any further into my madness than I already had. At the time I was very unsure if I'd make it out the other side anyway. I always felt, though, that if I did make it that we would get back together and everything would be allright. That might have been the case after a year or even two, but 7?!! Lets try to find some reality here!!! She still leaves the possibility when we talk. We both still love each other. I just feel like it puts me in a rut that I can't seem to escape.

The old "why's". Why did I pisss everything away? Why did I value getting fuckked up over my life, my son, my maraige? How could I be so cruel to her and yet she still cares for me? I feel like I deserve exactly what I have, but I long for more. I know this thinking played a large part in my relapse. I had no "recovery" anyway, just dry. I guess that is still the case. I know things have gotten better without the drugs and booze, but, as usual, it's not enough and too slow. I still want it all and don't want to wait.

At least I'm doing a bit better with some exercise. I've been riding my bike 5-6 miles, several times a week. Been "thinking" about getting some tennis lessons and getting back to the gym, but still in the "thinking" stage, no action yet. I always think about stuff far to long before doing anything about it. A lot of it is my anxiety. I want to look at all the possible angles before doing anything. It's not so scary then, not like going to the gym is scary, but I just mean in general. I guess that's enough rambling for now. Peace.
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