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Relapse sucks

Posted 04-07-2010 at 12:34 PM by tyler

Seemed like things were going well. Hadnt's smoked in over 10 months. Drinking had gone from 3/4 a liter 4, sometimes five times a week, to once or twice a month and usually moderately at those times. Had a much better job. Was rebuilding my relationship with my son and my ex, making regular payments on my debt but there was still that emptyness. Perhaps this is part that the twelve step programs are supposed to help with.

In short, I relapsed. I could go into a long explaination about how and why it happened, I've worked it up many times in my mind. The fact is that it did happen and what I'm doing to maintain sobriety is not working for me. Should I take a look at twelve step?? I don't know. Something is still missing in my and I'm still responding the same way, getting high.

Being away from the pot was the main thing that was keeping me from smoking. When I discovered an alternative that gave the same high, was smoked the same way, and better yet wouldn't show on a UI. I had somehow convienced myself that it was OK if it was legal, knowing and thinking about what it could cost me. I still got it. I had gone through this urge a few months back and was able to push away before going any further. But not this time.

I'll run out tonight and won't order any more. But I still have to find out how to fill that emptyness.
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    Ceres's Avatar
    I sighed when I read this because I've been right there. I'm an AA'er. But, a person first. I understand why some don't get anything out of AA. We're individuals. AA is a trippy reality. People see in it what they want to. Steps are the same. Nothing wrong with the steps themselves. People tend to get annoyed with AA'ers. I was. But after a while I found my group of friends there. That think just like me.

    I hope you feel better.
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    Posted 04-07-2010 at 01:30 PM by Ceres Ceres is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Done_With_It's Avatar
    Great post (as usual) Alizerin. I'm sorry to hear that Tyler.
    For me it took finding or going back to my passion and doing what I love. I used to also feel the same way as you and needed that something to fill me up, thankfully I have enough now, and am can say I am really in love with life. I know you will a healthy way to fill that emptyness, don't ever give up.
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    Posted 04-07-2010 at 10:08 PM by Done_With_It Done_With_It is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Dee74's Avatar
    I'm really sorry to hear this mate - I'll back up Miss Done here...I had to fill the void...and in the long process of finding out what was wrong and what I needed to do to fill it I found I actually came to like myself. I wish I could give precise instructions, but I think they vary.

    I really believe you can do it tho. Don't give up, Tyler.
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    Posted 04-08-2010 at 01:05 AM by Dee74 Dee74 is offline
 


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