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End Stage Recovery?

Posted 03-11-2018 at 07:14 AM by Nonsensical

Having been a member here for more than 5 years I have seen a fair number of topics repeated in the forums.
Is N.A. beer OK?
I want to go to AA, but I am afraid.
How do I stay sober at a wedding?
Are you jealous of the normies?

etc.
One of the topics I have seen a handful of times is If you could become a normal drinker, would you?
I was always mildly surprised when a few people would answer "No". Frankly, I didn't really believe them. Of course, I would become a normal drinker if I could. I only tried to become one thousands of times. I invented dozens of rule sets I would impose upon myself to control my drinking like a normie.
I'll only drink on weekends.
I'll only drink 5 times a month.
I'll only drink outside the house.
I'll only drink inside the house.
etc. etc. etc.

None of them worked, of course. Rules never applied to me once the booze hit my brain.

I wanted it, though. I wanted to drink normally as much as I ever wanted anything in my life. Anyone who loved alcohol as much as I did (and there are plenty of members here who fit that description) could never (ever, ever) NOT want to become a normal drinker. If they said they did in response to a thread on the topic, well, they were probably being delusional. They had convinced themselves of this absurd falsehood because they needed to believe it to stay sober.

Or maybe not.

I've been sober for a while, and feeling pretty good about it. I started working with a business coach about 6 months ago to help me understand and manage some of my thoughts and feelings about the business I opened two years ago. She calls herself a business coach, but it is all about me. I have experienced a tremendous amount of personal growth during that time. One of the things I have grown to appreciate are the experiences I had defeating my addiction to alcohol and how never being able to drink 'normally' has shaped my life into what it is and what it can become.

If I could become a normal drinker I would lose some of that, and I am not sure I would want to. I am not yet fully in the "I-wouldn't-become-a-normie-even-if-I-could camp", but I can see it from here, and I honestly believe I am headed in that direction.

You could have never convinced me that was possible even a few months ago. In a way I still can't believe that I can believe it. It may just be my favorite benefit of being a non-drinker so far - and it hasn't even happened yet.

Life is good.

SR
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    Weasel1966's Avatar
    So good to see you Nons!!! I love to hear you are continuing to grow.

    I have done some serious growing too this last year. Finally single over a year now. Starting violin lessons next week. Joined a group of guys that allow me to get out and do stuff. Jazz concert in a private home soon. Stuff like that.

    Life not drinking is much different and better than where we were. No sleeping in he bushes. No more trips to the ER.

    I still have moments of complete temptation but I know the trickery at play and can adjust to match it.

    Be well my friend.

    Ken
    permalink
    Posted 03-11-2018 at 08:26 AM by Weasel1966 Weasel1966 is offline
  2. Old Comment
    I wanted to drink normally as much as anything too. Great read Nonsensical. Incisive and well-written. In the throes of 'end-stage recovery.' I like it.
    permalink
    Posted 03-23-2018 at 10:57 AM by daredevil daredevil is offline
 


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