DAY 90 - Against the Grain - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Every day is a new day, that's what I keep telling myself. The struggle is real. I'm in deep with this addiction to wine. I am searching for the answer how to turn it off. I feel lucky if I can keep it down to a daily minimum of just one bottle. I pray to God to take this addiction away. Some days I'm a fighter. Other days are a bit more challenging. Hopefully by putting this out there, starting today, I can find a new hope and believe in myself again.

LoveHateMerlot
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DAY 90 - Against the Grain

Posted 03-29-2019 at 11:54 AM by LoveHateMerlot

Feeling pretty fantastic today! I don't post on my blog anymore because I feel like I have overcome so much and don't need this outlet to process all those crazy emotions. I am so strong now. I faced so much head on, I climbed the biggest mountain, reached the top, and I feel alive. I feel like a brand new person. I am terrified to go back to my old drinking habits, and that is basically what keeps me sober.

What it means to me to be sober is that I am not drinking socially, at home, with dinner, for celebrations, etc. But, I did slip. My friend convinced me I was strong enough to have a glass of wine a couple weeks ago. I had one glass of wine with dinner. I was able to stop immediately after, and ever since.

Last time I had 4 months sobriety I had slipped but "the rules" in Alcoholics Anonymous is to completely restart counting your days all over from Day 1. Then, I bombed after going back to Day 1. I threw my hands up and went back to hiding mini bottles of chardonnay in my closet. Guess where that road finally got me?

I know, most sober alcoholics following AA rules will be shaking their heads at their computer monitors. Listen, this is not a competition, this is my life and well being. I have a different perspective on sobriety days now. I come from many sober trials and experiences. If you find yourself in a world of judgement right now, I have something to share. I feel very sorry for you that you think there is a black and white recovery plan. I am truly not saying that I can drink once and a while, because that's just not true. I'd fail miserably going back to drinking socially.

What would happen if I told myself I could drink "every once in a while"? Well, currently, I am down 14 pounds, my skin and eyes are healthier, my tummy is flat, my relationships are flourishing, I am taking my real estate license exam in a couple days, never hung over, zero regrets or guilt in the mornings, and most of all I am available now for people that need me.

What I am doing is picking myself back up and staying on my path instead of following someone else's path. I know sobriety saved me. Honestly I don't care what people think of me anymore, that part of me is long gone since this 90 day brutal journey. I do care that I am sober, and I care that my kids and my husband have the best parts of me to love them. I have zero temptation to hide bottles after forgiving myself for the slip up. I did not restart my number of days sober, because for me those number of days represent something bigger. 90 days ago I looked in the mirror and said, "ENOUGH!". I meant it, too. I am no longer craving alcohol. I think there have been a couple times where I felt that low, that point where you ask yourself why you aren't able to drink normally like everyone else. Because I am not like anyone else on this planet. I cannot drink like my girlfriends, because I am an alcoholic. I also choose to not follow Alcoholics Anonymous rules, either. I have been sober the past 90 days, except for one glass of red wine. I refuse to beat myself up. I refuse to allow myself any more guilt that I beat myself up over the head the past 43 years. I am embracing my own powers. I don't have to be like anyone else, I can be me.

Sometimes the way is against the grain.
Posted in Diary of Wino
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