DAY 53 - God's Grace - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Every day is a new day, that's what I keep telling myself. The struggle is real. I'm in deep with this addiction to wine. I am searching for the answer how to turn it off. I feel lucky if I can keep it down to a daily minimum of just one bottle. I pray to God to take this addiction away. Some days I'm a fighter. Other days are a bit more challenging. Hopefully by putting this out there, starting today, I can find a new hope and believe in myself again.

LoveHateMerlot
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DAY 53 - God's Grace

Posted 02-20-2019 at 03:35 PM by LoveHateMerlot
Tags god , grace , love , miracle , power

Seriously so much is on my plate I don't even have time to think about alcohol. Okay, I do, still, all the time. It's a lifelong commitment, I know it's never going away.

Yesterday morning, I prayed for my daughter, and God made something GREAT happen. It's a very long story, but basically a stalker who says he was in love with my daughter came after me, stalked me, then wrote about me on Reddit. He sent me an email with a link. He said I was an attractive 42 y/o who '"dapples" in Graphic Design and also some artsy stuff, and I was a gold digger married to a 73 y/o Real Estate agent. He was wrong, my husband is younger than me, I dapple in art, but ran a graphic and web design company, and now making a career change to real estate.

I was shook to my core when I read what a stranger posted about my daughter and I. I was scared. I wanted to throw up and had a severe panic attack. I called my husband, I didn't know what to do. Then after I found pictures of his wife, him and his 2 boys, I called that ********. I screamed at him that if he didn't leave us alone I would tell his wife and call the police. I guess I am making this story long.

The GREAT thing that God did was create this situation so I could reconnect with my daughter. I texted her what was happening, she was very sorry. I called her and told her that since this was happening, she at least owes me something in return...to listen to what I have to say. I told her about the day she was born. I held her little body so tight and stared at her tiny, pretty face for hours. I wasn't going to let anyone harm her. She belonged to me, I was responsible for her. I told her how she changed my life that day. I told her she is so much like me, and I am sorry for being so young and selfish when I had her. I should have paid more attention to her. I was not a horrible parent, I tend to beat myself up inside every chance I get.

She was so sweet and calmed my worries immediately. She reminded me of being her home room parent, helping her have a book club, taking her to volleyball, lacrosse, dance, theater, cheer, practices and games. I was, I was there for every single one. Year after year. I made her wholesome meals. I made each birthday special with her room filled with balloons. I wiped her tears when she had broken hearts. I picked up the pieces every single time she got off the phone crying with her father who moved to Arizona when she was 3. I had her back if someone was mean to her. I took her to therapy when I noticed she was depressed. I did all the things I could, I just wish I didn't drink so much wine at night. I need to give myself grace. Anyways, it was one of the best feelings I have had in a long time to be able to tell her how beautiful she is, in a very raw and emotional way. I felt like her Mama again.

I feel change happening inside me. I am begging God for forgiveness and to let me walk in his light. I don't believe in organized religion, and that's so hard for me, because I wish I could be surrounded by people who loved God without the humanized control over Christianity. I have been to so many churches to find a fit, and I don't feel like any of them are my home. But! I LOVE GOD, and I am trying to focus more on my relationship with Him now.

My biopsy for my breast went well today.Phew. I get the results in a week. It wasn't too bad. I did go into panic mode on the table. My body started shaking uncontrollably and then I started crying. I usually am pretty tough when it comes to times like this, but not this time. I was a big
baby.

If you are wondering, with a biopsy, you are lying on a table with your arm up around your head so they can have an easier access to the area. They clean it first with iodine. As they are running an ultra sound wand over your breast they inject you a couple times with a syringe of Novocain. That is the painful part of the entire process. Very painful. Once you get past those seconds of your life, you are in the clear. After they determine you are numb, they proceed to stick a needle in a couple spots to remove tissue. The tissue goes in a jar, sent off to the lab. After the bleeding is stopped, they bandage you up. Easy peasy.

If you are reading this and you are like me, and beat yourself up for what you didn't do in the past, please allow yourself to feel grace. You did your best. You are human. You can say you are sorry but make changes in your life to actually show that you are sorry. Make your life count. That's what God wants from you. I went through that biopsy today, fighting through the pain and fear, I am done beating myself up. I'll be 43 in a couple weeks, and now I can look in the mirror and truly love myself today.

....living in God's grace
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