DAY 38 - Facebook - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Every day is a new day, that's what I keep telling myself. The struggle is real. I'm in deep with this addiction to wine. I am searching for the answer how to turn it off. I feel lucky if I can keep it down to a daily minimum of just one bottle. I pray to God to take this addiction away. Some days I'm a fighter. Other days are a bit more challenging. Hopefully by putting this out there, starting today, I can find a new hope and believe in myself again.

LoveHateMerlot
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DAY 38 - Facebook

Posted 02-05-2019 at 08:42 AM by LoveHateMerlot

The past few weeks I have focused on the relationships that I have with my daughters. I am so grateful that they are responding well to sober Mom, and it is the fuel to my fire.

I don't ever make an effort to visit with my mom. She lives 10 miles from me. Although my youngest 14 y/o daughter was spending most of the weekends at my mom's house with her cousins, she hasn't been over there since I stopped drinking. It's been about 5 weekends in a row. My mom is very emotionally stable, responsible, classy, caring, opinionated and judgmental. She is blonde and gorgeous.

She has this one black and white photo when she was 18 that could pass for Marilyn Monroe. She doesn't like to hear criticism and will get very mean and defensive. She wasn't ever a soothing mother to me, like holding me tight all the time. I didn't feel safe with her. She left me alone, A LOT. I see how that happened with me and my oldest 20 y/o daughter, she started rejecting my embraces around 11. I realized I did the exact same thing to her that my mother did to me. I drank at night, allowing her to reject me. I sat in the family room while she was alone in her room. I wish I could have been strong enough to put the bottle down, go into her room, and force more hugs and conversation on her. I wish I would have tried harder. Coulda, shoulda, woulda, right? I do now, though, I just uber'ed her over here the other night to soothe her over a bad break up. We sat on the couch under a blanket and watched Netflix all night.

My mother's 2 specific traits intensifies when she drinks wine every night: opinionated and judgmental. My 2 older sisters tell me I am a lot like her. I feel like I want to be like her in a lot of ways, all but that. The only way I can avoid those 2 traits are to not drink, ever. I am not judgmental or opinionated when I am sober. I am loving and kind and compassionate and understanding. When I drink, that all goes down the toilet and I become a spiteful, jealous and hateful person.

My mother is turning 69 this year, but you can't tell with her tight and radiant skin. I would love to have fun with this and play dirty jokes on her all year round, but she would be mortified. She is all class. I pretend I have class only when I need to. I can dress up and play the part well, but that's me acting. Otherwise you will mostly find me giving my husband dutch ovens at night and that never gets old. My mom, on the other hand, is president to a rich, fancy women's club that hold very important meetings every month. Dang, it would be so much fun to play a trick on her birthday involving #69, that meeting, and those old rich snobs. Somebody call 911! Margaret has fallen out of her chair!!!

Anyways, sobriety has given me so many gifts and one is the gift of having the desire to connect with my mother. I really do love her very much. I am so much like her it scares me. I do want to be more distinguished like her though as I age. I invited her to visit the Fort Worth museum followed by a fancy lunch tomorrow. I told her every month I am going to start taking her to a cultural event or show. This is the next relationship that I am going to focus on to make an honest effort to build and repair.

I boycotted Facebook over a year ago. I had found myself trapped in a cyber world full of desires for likes and acknowledgement of friendships on Facebook that I blindly mistook as true relationships. I had so much anxiety and stress over Facebook, I had an addiction to thoroughly investigate why someone did not like my photo but like another friend's photo. Are they upset with me? I also would allow someone's passive aggressive nature of posting some bullsh*t quote that I knew very well was directed at me, get to me. It would eat me up. I would sit and think of what to post in response, a subtle message that I see your quote and raise you a quote. God what a f*cked up cyber society world. I am 1 billion times happier away from Facebook and woken to the fact that I was sucked in too deep into a fake society that was so meaningless. I don't talk to 99.9% of my Facebook friends today. Every so often I will get a text asking why I didn't go to a certain party, and I respond, "Did you send me an invite via Facebook?" The response is usually, "Yes! It was all over my Facebook for like over a month!" Well there is your answer. My circle is much smaller today, and I prefer it that way.
Posted in Diary of Wino
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  1. Old Comment
    LoveHateMerlot's Avatar
    #facebook #relationships #fake #sober #society #real #love #meaningful #true #wine #wino #sobriety #daughter #mother #bond #help #happiness #alcoholic #drunk #alcohol #socialmedia #save #judgmental
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    Posted 02-05-2019 at 08:45 AM by LoveHateMerlot LoveHateMerlot is offline
 


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