DAY 25 - Drunk Call to Ex's Wife - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Every day is a new day, that's what I keep telling myself. The struggle is real. I'm in deep with this addiction to wine. I am searching for the answer how to turn it off. I feel lucky if I can keep it down to a daily minimum of just one bottle. I pray to God to take this addiction away. Some days I'm a fighter. Other days are a bit more challenging. Hopefully by putting this out there, starting today, I can find a new hope and believe in myself again.

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DAY 25 - Drunk Call to Ex's Wife

Posted 01-23-2019 at 12:41 PM by LoveHateMerlot
Updated 01-23-2019 at 01:57 PM by LoveHateMerlot

One thing that is difficult to swallow when you are sober, and just merrily scooting along, is when a hiccup occurs. It kind of shakes your day up. It's that moment when someone brings up something from your past and you have to remind yourself that who you are today is nothing like the person from yesterday, and hopefully people forgive you.

I woke up in the best mood with a sense of a light radiating from my soul. I am feeling on top of the world. I drop off my daughter at school, then my niece (who is staying with us this week), and as soon as I get home I start studying for real estate school. Around noon I get a call from my darling 20 y/o daughter. She just got back into town from visiting her father, his wife and her 2 little sisters (8 & 11). She sees them about once a year.

My daughter's relationship with her stepmother isn't the best, understandably. I really like her stepmother a lot, though, I think she is a total badass. She is gorgeous, very smart, has her pilot's license, and now the Captain of an entire Fire Department. My 20 y/o daughter has a good relationship with her Dad now, which makes me very happy. My ex is a lot like I am; addictive personality, youngest out of 5 kids, and likes to party. There are some great qualities that I was drawn to at first, but a lot of those qualities came from a naive, playful young boy. There is a point where the cute boy turns into a narcissistic, aging man who needs to own his mistakes and grow up. The fantastic part about all of this now is that he is not my problem, so I have zero problems or complaints now. The past is history, let's move on! We actually are able to still call each other and laugh, and just be friendly.

Unfortunately my ex is going through the beginnings of a divorce right now. When I first was told this, I just couldn't believe it. I saw him and his wife together at my daughter's high school graduation in May 2017, in LA. After the graduation we all got together over drinks, and they appeared very much in love. About 2 months ago, my ex and I were talking about what he was going through with her and I was trying to persuade him to work it out, reminding him that she is a badass. I didn't realize how invested I was, and I was getting involved emotionally.

One day I had sent a message to my ex's wife asking to talk, but to basically check in with her, she just lost her mother to cancer and broke her jaw last year. When I received her response the next day, I had just finished a bottle of wine then I moved on to Jack & Coke, leftovers from company otherwise not my first choice. It was about 9pm, and I told her that I was available to talk. This very moment is where a time machine would come in extremely handy, I would go back and tell drunk self, "Hey you are drunk and you say really stupid sh*t, don't do it, go to bed."

The call was an hour long, managing to down a total of 3, very strong Jack & Cokes (on top of the finished bottle of wine). My intentions were to tell her how amazing she is, that through this divorce, I still support her and I am here for her. I did manage to tell her all that, so that's great. What I did not plan is that I then went on to compare stories of my ex. I told her some very bad things that he had done in our relationship to me. Ugh, I did bad things right back to him, but I didn't share those parts of course! They have been together over 15 years and not once did I ever open my big, fat mouth to her about my relationship with her husband. The ex's wife had vaguely shared some things that he was doing to her, I appreciated that she opened up to me. We told each other we would not speak of our call and I have kept my word. I have no ill will towards my ex, and quite honestly I have really enjoyed becoming friends again without the emotional attachments.

It's been 2 months. I am sitting here studying, and my 19 y/o daughter calls me. I am so happy to talk to her, she's been gone for a week. She tells me about her great visit with her sisters and her Dad. She also tells me that her Dad brought up a certain phone call, between me and his wife. Oh kill me now. He mentioned that it was over an hour long call and he wanted to know what I said to her. I don't know what details he was told about that conversation, but he did ask our daughter if I thought he was crazy. Ultimately, I know that his wife knew I was totally drunk that entire phone conversation.

I have a pit in my stomach. I feel uneasy and restless. I feel unnerved. I feel panicky. I feel like I need to explain myself. I feel like the sober me is too weak to handle this embarrassment. What have I done? Why am I like that? Why did I get involved? Who do I think I am? Who am I? Am I really, truly the drunk person who talked **** about my ex? Who does that? I do! I did it! I am a horrible human. I just need to stop trying. I was empowered before and now I just feel flattened out again. I feel unstable. I feel like I need to go back to bed. I feel like I really really really really need to drink some wine. I need to just disappear.

...but I refuse.
Posted in Diary of Wino
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