Day 21 - ACTION! - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Every day is a new day, that's what I keep telling myself. The struggle is real. I'm in deep with this addiction to wine. I am searching for the answer how to turn it off. I feel lucky if I can keep it down to a daily minimum of just one bottle. I pray to God to take this addiction away. Some days I'm a fighter. Other days are a bit more challenging. Hopefully by putting this out there, starting today, I can find a new hope and believe in myself again.

LoveHateMerlot
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Day 21 - ACTION!

Posted 01-19-2019 at 11:27 AM by LoveHateMerlot

3 weeks sober today!

The cravings at night are not as intense as the first week, but they are still here. I am well aware that I will have cravings for alcohol for the rest of my life. I will have good days, and there will be plenty of bad days ahead. I will always be an alcoholic, that part will never go away. I am wired to be an addict to the end of my life. I take it one day at a time and make a strong plan of what I will say and do before I am in a situation where alcohol is present.

I speak of Merlot for the most part, but it's basically whatever is present. If there is no Merlot, I drink Chardonnay, or beer, or vodka, or rum. It doesn't matter that I have a preference at all. I just have an addiction to alcohol.

My relationships all around are slowly healing naturally, just by my actions. You can say all you want, but when it comes down to it, actions always speak louder than words. Broken promises from the past start to dissipate. Trust starts to form in place. The holes in the hearts around me are now being filled with pure love. I do not have a clouded perception of reality any more, and the once small problems that I would harp on have now ceased altogether. I pull strength today from various experiences and lessons, but my daughters are the biggest motivators.

I had my daughter when I was only 22. She is now 20 and craves her independence, incredibly smart, gorgeous, has a lot of love to give and fun. She also suffers from addiction. I feel like I am looking back at myself at 20; risky and dangerous behavior, self destructive, all just to fill a hole in my heart. I hate playing the role of the mother who has to let them go on their own and learn for themselves. I just want to save her. I told her once that I held her in my arms after giving birth to her, I whispered in her ear that I wasn't going to let anyone harm her. I never knew I would have to protect her from herself, and you just can't.

Have you watched "Beautiful Boy"? I cried so hard because that is exactly what it's like for me. I felt like I was living my life through that film. We had the same situation where her father lived in a different state, and we put her on the plane twice a year, by herself, to go see him. She was so little. In the meantime, her dad and I were both in new relationships and soon came more siblings. The difference between Steve Carell's character and myself is that I don't have a penis and that I drank daily to self medicate through the pain. So, making mistakes along the way, but I still did everything I could like that father did in the film. Many years of professional help never worked.

My 20 y/o daughter has been in a healthy relationship for the first time ever, the past few weeks. She is for once in her life sincerely happy. She has deserved this for so long. I can't share details of her life and what she has been through, but just imagine the worst scenarios, put her in them...all of them. She and I talk about our journeys, our struggles, and our pain. She knows that I am sober and she presently is sober as well. Her new boyfriend and she are so happy, and he balances her out. I feel very blessed that he came into our lives, he feels like he belongs in our circle.

In a sense, this new boyfriend has saved my daughter. One month ago there was a morning where I thought she was dead. I was supposed to pick her up for lunch but she wasn't answering my calls, nor her best friend's calls. It rocked my world. I cried hysterically, in the moment I thought I had lost her. I was preparing myself to see her dead body as I drove to her location. Luckily, she was okay. I don't know if you are a parent who has had to experience this, but it's not something that just goes away. I carry this fear every morning, day and night that I will lose my baby to some stupid drug. Today is a good day, she is sober, she is happy and I feel l can be a rock for her right now. I can be a role model for her. I can physically show her with my actions, not my words, how the quality of life improves with sobriety.

My 14 year old daughter is the most responsible kid I have ever met, so caring, very beautiful, and has the best sense of humor. She is also shy and an introvert, the total opposite of me. She struggles with being in new situations and meeting new people. I wish I could be more like her though, calm and peaceful. We had to take my 14 y/o to therapy for anxiety, depression and body dysmorphia a couple months ago. We started to get very worried about her.

For the past 10 years, I have been very open and honest with my daughters, I share my struggles with alcohol addiction to hopefully scare them away from this path, but unfortunately it doesn't work by just sharing information though. Since I have taken action, and I have been sober for 3 weeks now, I have noticed a significant mood change in my 14 y/o daughter. She has started to come around me a lot more, even asking for advice on boys and ways to style her hair. Last Thursday night, I was driving her home from her hip hop class that she recently started (which is a GIGANTIC accomplishment for her). She had this big smile on her face and she look over at me and said, "I know the meaning of life Mom. It's happiness. Because when you are happy, nothing else matters."
Posted in Diary of Wino
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  1. Old Comment
    LoveHateMerlot's Avatar
    #relationships #addiction #mother #alcohol #alcoholic #wine #wino #victim #children #help #sober #sobriety #forgive #change #better #saved #action #anxiety #depression #teenager #teen #struggle
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    Posted 01-19-2019 at 11:30 AM by LoveHateMerlot LoveHateMerlot is offline
 


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