DAY 17 - The Guilt of a Drunk Parent - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Every day is a new day, that's what I keep telling myself. The struggle is real. I'm in deep with this addiction to wine. I am searching for the answer how to turn it off. I feel lucky if I can keep it down to a daily minimum of just one bottle. I pray to God to take this addiction away. Some days I'm a fighter. Other days are a bit more challenging. Hopefully by putting this out there, starting today, I can find a new hope and believe in myself again.

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DAY 17 - The Guilt of a Drunk Parent

Posted 01-15-2019 at 12:09 PM by LoveHateMerlot
Tags drunk , guilt , mother , pain , sober

I just got back from taking my 14 year old daughter to get an ultra sound done on her lower and upper abdomen. She has suffered from chronic, severe stomach pain since she was little, and it's not because she is constipated. She has had episodes where she is shaking and has convulsions, where she thinks she is going to die. I am not being dramatic, she has literally asked me if she was dying. It's very scary as a parent to not be able to answer that question when your little girl is having another scary episode, and you don't really know, thinking, "Oh God, could she be dying?".

My daughter was getting worse as she was aging. Throughout the years I have taken her to a variety of doctors to get answers. She has had blood tests that show she is IgA deficient but that isn't an answer and it makes all her results "NULL". She has had ultra sounds where everything seemed to look "normal". I was instructed to keep her on strict gluten and dairy free diets, keep her away from nitrates and preservatives, and keep food diaries to report to the doctors. I did all of that (as a functioning alcohol btw). I finally brought her to a specialist, a Gastroenterologist at Cook's Children, a month ago. After the 15 different doctors we have been to over the past 14 years, I finally found a doctor who took the time to ask many "right" questions. He narrowed it down quickly, he said he was pretty positive it sounded like a stomach ulcer that just increased in size over time. Not one doctor once ever mentioned a possible stomach ulcer. In order for him to diagnose a stomach ulcer he 1) monitors her response to a daily dose of a medication called Esomeprazole after 30 days and 2) reviews results of an abdominal ultra sound to rule out other serious issues. Today the technician said she couldn't see anything and all looked great, although she was clear she wasn't allowed to give her opinion. Next we meet with the doctor to confirm that her ultra sound is clear and that she is responding to the medication, in order to receive a final diagnosis of a stomach ulcer.

In the week that my daughter had started taking the Esomeprazole, her chronic, severe stomach aches came to a screeching halt. I asked her about a hundred times a day, how is your tummy now? Her response has been, "good". For the first time in her entire life she has responded, "good". I cannot tell you how overjoyed I am right now, how comforting that is, to know that she finally feels good. This month I have seen this kid gain so much confidence in herself, she is ready and willing to get up for school each day, she is wanting to do activities outside school, making new friends, and all with a smile on her face.

One month ago as the Gastroenterologist looked me in the eyes and told me he was confident he was going to be able to diagnosis her with a stomach ulcer, I sank into my chair. I wanted to run and hide. I hated myself. I wanted to throw my hands up in the air and just give up...on myself. I contemplated whether my daughters would be better off without me. I was drinking at this point, nightly and way too much. I had grown up being told that stomach ulcers were caused by stress. That diagnosis would mean that I was causing her so much stress that her quality of life was sh*t poor....because of me, her mother, who is supposed to protect her.

The doctor told me that stomach ulcers in children are caused by bacteria, mainly H. pylori or Helicobacter pylori bacterium. I went home and researched and sure enough, that all a long for 42 years I was misinformed, by my elders whom were not doctors. Stomach ulcers are not a result of stress!

I do not let myself off the hook for causing stress on my child just because her ulcer was not caused by stress. While I was drinking excessively, I inflicted pain, sadness, and fear in my daughters. I would say things that hurt their feelings, I would break promises, and they feared my early death. My child's stomach ulcer ultimately made me analyze how much is my drunk habit costing me and my family? Is it that I am suffering and need to numb the pain, or am I CAUSING the stress, the suffering, and the pain.

I am working through processing this guilt right now. I was like the bacteria causing her ulcer, I was doing the same thing, causing unnecessary hurt to my children, who never deserved to be born to a drunk mother.

I choose to stay sober.

Posted in Diary of Wino
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