Day 10 - Libido - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Every day is a new day, that's what I keep telling myself. The struggle is real. I'm in deep with this addiction to wine. I am searching for the answer how to turn it off. I feel lucky if I can keep it down to a daily minimum of just one bottle. I pray to God to take this addiction away. Some days I'm a fighter. Other days are a bit more challenging. Hopefully by putting this out there, starting today, I can find a new hope and believe in myself again.

LoveHateMerlot
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Day 10 - Libido

Posted 01-08-2019 at 07:55 AM by LoveHateMerlot

Honestly I have never in my life disclosed on social media or a website about my status of sexuality. I don't know the rules about discussing here, either, so I am going to keep it relatively mild. If you get offended easily, stop here...

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I started drinking at the young age of 16. I lost my virginity the same year.

After my mother found out that my birth father was abusing my two older sisters, she immediately left him. He was sexually abusing the oldest and physically abusing the other. His acts were calculated and demonic. My two older sisters have a different father. I was six at the time, the baby, and when my mom left my birth father, she did not think he was capable of putting his hands on me. It wasn't anything near like what he did to my sisters, but it did ultimately f*ck me up in the head for life. I will forever be branded.

I started therapy at 18. I have been on some sort of psychiatric, anxiety or depression meds most of my life but have been 100% pill free for the past 3 years. I was still using alcohol to halt those feelings dead in their tracks. No memories or feelings of pain allowed here in this brain.

At 16 I lost my virginity, and by 18 I had already been with multiple partners. I was wild and out of control and used my sexuality to fill my hole in my heart. I was on drugs and alcohol, and the effects caused me to behave erratic and irresponsibly. I was suicidal and had bipolar tendencies. I was angry and lashed out. All the boys I was with were so focused on their boners that they did not see that it was pain that drove me, not that I thought they had the biggest and baddest package. I can barely breathe thinking about all of those disgusting men, and what they did to me, I wish I could hop in a time machine and give that little and lost girl my hand and pull her the f*ck out of there. I wish I could just embrace her and hold her so tight that she can only feel my love for her. I was taken advantage of in my drunken state at least 20 times over the next few years (even drugged 3 times). You might say it was my fault, I put myself out there, but if you understood why I was drunk to begin with maybe you would change your mind?

My husband and I have been together for 15 years now. He is compassionate, he loves me, he protects me and most of all he makes me feel safe. We have always been intimate, and we are still very attracted to each other, but I only feel sexy and unhinged while intoxicated. It's something that is a problem now, sober.

I keep pushing him away. My wounds and scars are surfacing now and I feel so ugly. I make excuses. I tell him that my stomach hurts. I keep promising him, "later". The truth is I am dealing with all the above on my brain right now. Painful and agonizing memories that leave me feeling sick to my stomach, ashamed, and branded. I hope it passes soon. I hope this pain subsides enough where I can at least have that part back in my marriage where I don't feel inhibited.

For all the humans having meaningless sexual relations to fill that void and emptiness - you are loved. These memories do not go away, they haunt you for life. If you are abusing any substance, get help. You are caught up in an endless cycle and soon you will be 42 looking at all the lost years. Talk it out and write it out so you can figure out "why" you are behaving the way you are. All the posts that I write are basically my journal, for my own self healing.

For all the humans who are taking advantage of those who are inebriated to get your rocks off, your actions cause pain enough to last a life time. I won't type out what I picture doing to you all you boys that took a little piece of me every single time you took advantage of me. I just pray that you get exactly what you did to me, in return.
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