DAY 9 - Hanging by a Thread - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Every day is a new day, that's what I keep telling myself. The struggle is real. I'm in deep with this addiction to wine. I am searching for the answer how to turn it off. I feel lucky if I can keep it down to a daily minimum of just one bottle. I pray to God to take this addiction away. Some days I'm a fighter. Other days are a bit more challenging. Hopefully by putting this out there, starting today, I can find a new hope and believe in myself again.

LoveHateMerlot
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DAY 9 - Hanging by a Thread

Posted 01-07-2019 at 07:47 AM by LoveHateMerlot
Tags hurt , sobriety , strength , wine , wino

Christmas break officially ends today for my daughter (14), she returns to 8th grade tomorrow. The past 3 weeks both of her cousins and she were either at our house, my sister's house or my mom's house. I did a lot of driving kids around, I take them to the mall, I take them to get their nails done, I cook for them, I make fun snacks for them, I take them to Six Flags, I take them to the trampoline park. I listen to their problems, I put up with their bs, I let them stay up until 3:00am, I intervene when there are arguments, I am on standby if someone feels sick from eating candy all night.

Last night I picked up my daughter from her cousin's house. Break was over. She got in the car and she could not hold back the tears. She is very sensitive and has a huge heart. She told me she didn't want to come home.

I have issues. I have always had issues. I don't know how to be sensitive. I am usually hurting people's feelings, not on purpose. I don't mean to be abrasive. I don't mean to tell it like it is. I try to be a nurturer. I could blame my childhood, I could blame my parents, but in reality I have to look in the mirror and OWN IT.

When my daughter told me she did not want to come home last night, I instantly shut down. I went from happy to pissed off and hurt. I was quiet. I could not console her because I was hurt that I do all of these things for her, and why doesn't she miss me? I try so hard all the time, I should just stop. I should just give up. I should stop doing fun things for her, if she doesn't appreciate me or is ungrateful. I should stop being sober. Why even try? I am tired. I am so tired of doing everything for my family and working so hard to get her to love me as much as I love her and so much that she misses me. Is that f*cked up? These feelings of worthlessness and not being appreciated are instant triggers.

We are driving our 30 minute drive home, I have my 90's music turned up. We are both silent and I am fighting tears now myself. Typically, to end this pain, I'd pull into a convenient store, leave the jeep running with her in it, pick up a bottle of 14 Hands Merlot, go home and drink it.

I just want a relationship where I can pick her up and she missed me so much she isn't sad that she has to leave her cousins. I want a relationship where she wants to bake and cook with me, wants to sit and watch a movie with me, wants to talk to me about what is going on her head...instead of me making her do these things.

I did not pull into the convenient store last night. I fought my thoughts. It was very challenging because I was experiencing a "I give up!" moment. Instead of stopping for wine I pulled into a grocery store lot. I didn't have any seltzer back home and that is my replacement for wine. I like to pour it into a fancy wine glass and add a lemon or lime wedge. So I pulled into the parking lot, as I'm still holding back tears, she softly asks me why we are here? The look on her face told me she knew exactly what I "wanted" to get. I tell her I need a few things and she decides to wait in the jeep. I literally run in, get my seltzer, lime and lemon. When I get back she politely asks me, "Are you mad?" I tell her no, I'm not mad.

After I get home, I pour some seltzer, sit with my husband, and my tears start to clear up. I am forcing myself to see that she is only 14, that this is normal. The other part of me is telling me that I ruined our relationship from being a drunk. I feel very lost and don't know how to fix it.

It's 10:30pm and I tap on her door, I tell her sweetly that I am off to bed and hope she sleeps well and that I love her. She says, "Night mama!! I love you so much! Good night!" That right there brought the tears back up again, because I am the f*cking child in our relationship.

I am in bed now, seltzer on my side table instead of a glass of red wine. She comes in to show me that she, too, has a glass of seltzer with a slice of lime.

I can't tell you why that moment is so significant to me. I don't know why. All I know is that I was grateful and blessed at that very moment that I never stopped to pick up 14 Hands Merlot at that stupid convenient store.
Posted in Diary of Wino
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