Day 4 - Christmas Eve Nightmare - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Every day is a new day, that's what I keep telling myself. The struggle is real. I'm in deep with this addiction to wine. I am searching for the answer how to turn it off. I feel lucky if I can keep it down to a daily minimum of just one bottle. I pray to God to take this addiction away. Some days I'm a fighter. Other days are a bit more challenging. Hopefully by putting this out there, starting today, I can find a new hope and believe in myself again.

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Day 4 - Christmas Eve Nightmare

Posted 01-02-2019 at 09:00 AM by LoveHateMerlot
Updated 01-07-2019 at 07:52 AM by LoveHateMerlot
Tags recovery , sober , wine , wino

I have done this sober thing over one hundred times and failed but there have only been TWO times where I actually was mentally prepared and strong enough.

I don't go to AA meetings, I didn't like them mostly because you have to say, "Hi there, I'm _________, and I'm an alcoholic." Alcohol is my addiction, and red wine is my vice. I love to go on Instagram and compare my addicted self to all these perfect women who seem to have all their **** together. Their perfect little matching outfits with their perfect little babies that they probably never have more than 1 glass of wine with dinner. I know the truth though...when I'm sober.

It lasted for 4 months, I even held my **** together on a trip to London with free alcohol being served in first class. That was the first and only time I have ever been in first class, and saying no to alcohol is a huge trophy on a shelf in my brain. I managed to pass all the pubs that trip, walking by all the people getting **** faced outside on crowded patios. I longly stared at them. They were all laughing, holding pints in their hands, wobbling from side to side. I managed to dig down deep inside and grab all the pain that I caused my loved ones and myself to just keep walking by every single damn bar with heart palpitations.

The second sober round was when my husband was relocated to Washington. New place, new life, new me. It lasted 30 days, up until I had an "excuse" to go get a drink after I had to kick my teenage daughter out for repeatedly doing blow in my house. Yep, my daughter is now battling addiction, and some days I want to kill myself because of it. I blogged this 30 day journey here.

Both sober rounds tragically ended with "just one drink". I had the best intentions of going back to being sober the next day, but we are all kidding ourselves thinking that is an option for an alcoholic. It's just not. I will do my best to not lose sight of that now, it's so important to not let your guard down.

These sober moments of clarity don't happen often. You know when many times you want to quit, but you aren't mentally prepared for the challenge and you go ahead and start anyway? That is not the time to start your sober journey. When you are DONE, FINISHED, TIRED, SICK, SUICIDAL, DEPRESSED, ANGRY and there is no person able to convince you that you are capable of having just one probably have the strength and clarity for the sober life ahead.

Christmas Eve night I got wasted on 2 bottles of red wine. We had family staying with us, not big drinkers, so that was embarrassing. I decided to bake cookies, make them all have a decoration contest and I recorded it all. It wasn't pretty, and they all obliged. I have a 14 year old little girl that needed my help wrapping her Christmas presents, so at 12:00 am I went into her room and thought that was a great time. Falling over, slurring my words...although I don't remember much, I'm sure that's how it went. I then proceeded to take that special moment to give her the big Christmas gift she asked for. Mother of the Year award, right?

I managed for the first time ever since I was 16 to have a sober New Year's Eve night, because I am that determined to stop. I am sober today because my older daughter is struggling with addiction, for 4 years now, and she is 20. I need to be sober for my daughters. My liver hurts. My pancreas hurts. I get shooting sharp pains in my heart. My skin looks crepey. I have an athletic build with a permanent 4 month pregnant tummy that no amount of sit ups will make flat. I am a bitch to my husband some nights. I wake up in the middle of the night with panic attacks from fear of dying early, leaving my kids and husband because I killed myself slowly. I feel like **** every single day. I run or do yoga hungover, every single ******* day. I am currently half way through getting my real estate license, and I really don't want to **** that up. Can you imagine, just getting my license, taking a client out for happy hour all know how well that turns out.

Today is day 4. It's a cold, rainy and dark day outside but honestly all I feel is sunshine in my heart. I feel very positive about this. I had posted daily to my blog here during my last 30 day sober run, so I'm going to stick closely to this site again.

If you just started a sober path for the first time, it's important to forgive yourself, otherwise the journey won't last long. If you beat yourself up for an illness, then you cannot love yourself enough to remind yourself each day that you DESERVE sobriety. You deserve to have that life that doesn't revolve around your addiction. You deserve to be loved and treated with kindness and compassion and that has to start from within.

Anyways, I am back. Stronger than ever. I am currently reading 'My Fair Junkie' by comedian Amy Dresner and whew that's a doozie. She is raw and real and full of pain. She is pretty brass, but I love that. She goes deep into I know I am not alone when I read her story. We all are not alone.
Posted in Diary of Wino
Views 267 Comments 3
Total Comments 3


  1. Old Comment
    LoveHateMerlot's Avatar

    SoberRecovery Content

    #sober #journey #recovery #wine #alcoholism #alcoholic #help #sobriety #life #happiness #courage #strength #friends #compassion #selflove #abstinence
    Posted 01-02-2019 at 10:21 AM by LoveHateMerlot LoveHateMerlot is offline
    Updated 01-17-2019 at 05:39 AM by LoveHateMerlot
  2. Old Comment
    Eastcoaster20's Avatar
    Love this! So happy we are on this journey again together. ��
    Posted 01-02-2019 at 10:31 AM by Eastcoaster20 Eastcoaster20 is offline
  3. Old Comment
    LoveHateMerlot's Avatar
    Originally Posted by Eastcoaster20 View Comment
    Love this! So happy we are on this journey again together. ��
    It is a miracle to have an incredible person that I love very much on the exact same path with me. Seriously you give me so much strength and power xoxoxoxoxo!
    Posted 01-02-2019 at 10:37 AM by LoveHateMerlot LoveHateMerlot is offline

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