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What a mess

Posted 08-07-2018 at 04:11 AM by KeyofC

Iím just going to start thinking through my fingers. I guess there should be some kind of explanation. After my surgery which is where I was when I stopped posting so much, I went through another major unchartered territory. I thought my husband wouldíve taken care of me but boy was I wrong. He didnít even stay in the hospital with me, he didnít stay around at any point to help me at all. Kept saying he had to work and I needed to understand. To a point I did. But heís had 3-4 major surgeries and I took vacation time and took care of him better than I take care of myself. ďEXPECTATIONĒ ďpeople wonít do like me they donít have a heart like mineĒ. Mistake mistake mistake! Dumb girl what were you thinking. So I felt like he couldnít have gave a rats ass if I lived or died. A bit dramatic, I know, but I am Key and this is how I am. You get all or nothing, with me thereís not a lot of grey. I felt so betrayed, abandoned, belittled. I never felt a bigger hole in my heart. I never felt more unloved. All my fears wrapped in one. So thereís that. Think I kept popping my pain pills so I wouldnít give a crap about anything. Did it help me? No, I wanted to be completely numb. When I feel, I FEEL. Everything about me is dramatic even my feelings take on a new persona and are bigger than most peoples.
This kind of behavior from him just kept multiplying. I was off for 6 weeks and I ended up going to my Dads for 2 weeks so he could help me. The beach isnít a bad thing and being near my Dad did help me. My marriage on the other was in big trouble. It was lying in ruins with smoke and ash. My God it just hurt. Hurt so very much. Everything I tried, failed. Everything I said, was taken wrong and blew up. Everything was just falling apart in my hands and I was able to do nothing to help.
One year previous, we had been separated. I moved out. We both drank, drank a whole heck of a lot. Somehow, I ended up being the whole problem. My drinking was the problem for everything in my marriage, my kids, my extended family. Really? Even my sick mind finds that hard to believe. So okay. I sort of accepted all the blame for everything.
While we were separated, I had talked a little with someone I had had some on and off time with when I was younger. Yes, my husband knew about it. No, he wasnít happy with me about it. The guy friend just listened and would let me just vent. If he did judge me, I didnít know it and I wasnít being told that how I was feeling was wrong or I should try this or that. He probably didnít care one way or another and I think deep down he knew I would end up goin back to my marriage, so who was he to judge me.
We did get back together, after only a few months apart. A year being back together is when I quit drinkingóround 1. Thinking back, I think it was too quick to get back together, but I think both of us knew if we didnít, we would start replacing each other with things so we could move on. For a couple of months us being together was awesome! He was so sweet, supportive, loving, attentive. Then BAM! It all stopped. He told me the love I was going to get from him would be a much more mature type of love. I had no idea what that meant. It basically meant he wouldnít be emotionally available to me. He wasnít going to invest in that anymore. He wasnít going to spend as much time with me or plan things with me. He was going to work, a lot, pay the bills, sleep in our bed, and that was about it.
Fast forward to right after me healing from my surgery and that huge feeling of nothingness...I go back to work. All the things he couldnít give me in our relationship was taking itís toll. I wasnít drinking, needing support, needing reassurance, needing a friend. I felt so alone. I was swimming in a pile of crap. Circling the toilet hole, waiting to be flushed. Well over a year this kept on. I was fighting what I felt a loosing battle. Trying to stay sober, work on myself, be positive.
Then I find out I was going to loose my job. My job I had worked so hard at. Iíve never worked harder or felt so proud of myself for all the work I had done. The one thing I felt people were proud of me, appreciated me, friended me, praised me. The one positive thing...POOF! Gone just like that. Not because of drinking because the worst part of that I had made it through and hadnít drank for two years. It wasnít personal they said. It was a business decision. I was more of a liability, I guess. And nobody wanted to fight for me to stay. This was it. The straw that broke me. Broke the very tiny piece of string I had left to hang on. Give me a damn drink, itís more than I can take. Middle finger, middle finger, middle finger LIFE! Time frame was August 29, 2018
To be continued....
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