JustAYak

I saw T today. She told me she is a little worried about me...that I have not been my usual self. That I have been unusually quiet...like the "quiet before the storm" as she put it. That I am too much in my head or dissociated altogether. My first instinct was to say "So what?" but I bit my tongue...I know she is right, but what am I supposed to say? I stayed silent, unsure of what to say or where to look.

Being the freaking mind reader she is, she cocks her head...

I'm anxious. Anxious anxious anxious. I was walking Moose past a hospital two nights ago and started thinking about the people inside, sick, injured, knocking on death's door, whatever. I have always felt that my time is coming... that I'm not really meant to live a long life, I just always get this feeling...like I'm going to die young. "Before my time." It doesn't really bother me necessarily, it's kind of peaceful to just realize it and accept it for what it is. I think it helped that...

I am having trouble tonight...I am struggling to keep one foot in reality, let alone two.

But let me be honest with myself, am I feeling suicidal? Yes.
Have I made a plan? No.
Have I thought about possible plans? Yes.
Am I going to follow through with anything? Probably not.

Why am I feeling this way? I don't know, exactly. I am tired of feeling unlovable I guess. I am ashamed of having such childlike needs and wants... I think it is the child...

I have been having nightmares lately, horrific, awful flashback nightmares. I was telling her this, and she asked me what happened in them. I hesitated, she pressed, "Were they about Dick? Your dad? Mom? I can take anything you want to tell me." Thinking about it now, that was perfect for her to say, she knows me so well...she knows that I don't like sharing the details with people cause I'm afraid they won't be able to handle it, so I keep it to myself...she is crafty. So I started to...

**** it. I can't hold onto this stuff any longer. All the bloody, gory details are about to be laid out because I need these nightmares to stop and my pain to ease.

I have a restraining order on Dick, my "mom's" fiance. Problem is, he lives in the same town as I do, it's a rather small town, they are hard to avoid. I was a few blocks from my apartment, walking Taz, and I saw Dick ahead of me in a parking lot, loading up his car with something. I didn't think he saw me and...