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Bad Week, crazy head

Posted 12-21-2011 at 03:57 AM by eddie73

I suffer from depression. Going to meetings is great, I have been to very many over the past few months. I am doing the steps, but most importantly, I am handing over in the mornings. This alone should be enough. The other steps are add ons and me praying every morning and evening should be enough.

The reason I am writing this is out of a bit of anger and frustration. And Fear.

I have heard others share at meetings with depression. I heard a girl last week share, she was doing the steps for the second time. She was suicidal. How come? Surely she should have sorted herself out first time round. I was afraid and alarmed when I heard this. It translated in my mind that there are things that you cant change about yourself that cannot be removed no matter what. This girl was in a very tough spot. i felt for her, many didnt see or hear what I was seeing. A woman who was putting enormous pressure on herself to do steps.

So I go back to myself. I am going to a sponsor, a lovely guy who has recovered from hell. He is wise. He is well meaning. He loves life. He is at peace. Yet, I am on the fourth step with him, and he wants me to stop taking anti depressants. There is a lot at stake here to do that. there is a huge amount at stake. I keep thinking of the girl last week and what doing fouth steps has done for her. Why does she have to redo them? why didnt they work the first time? Did she not do them properly? was she not handing over properly?

I am afraid of all this. I know that I am in a place where I am not well. I have put a huge amount of pressure on myself about this. Conventional medicine has to play a role here in my head.

I have defects of character for sure. I have a crazy head. This will never change, because it makes us who we are as humans, and who we are as alcoholics. Changing this or trying to remove them could be a bridge too far for me.

What should I do??
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