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Two years ago I had a choice. As Orpheus offered in the matrix I had a choice to take the blue pill and wake up in my bed as though nothing ever happened or take the red pill and discover a new me.
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Body Surfing

Posted 09-25-2014 at 12:23 PM by doureallycare2

Have you ever body surfed in the ocean when there was an impending storm? I did on vacation last week... And since I'm the daring water kind of person, I loved it! (I guess I'm just daring in general). My friends all went in to shore, just too wimpy I said...

Before long I found my self about a mile down beach. I was so busy having fun and enjoying the elements that I ignored the danger. I thought it was ok because there were a few other daring people out. Some windsurfing others swimming.

By the time I did the long walk back to my bag and towel, my friends had left and most of the beach was deserted. I was exhausted and a little beat up.

That's how I've been feeling lately. Exhausted, beat up and abandoned. I played with danger, got beat up and feel to damaged to be with the people that care about me.

It didn't seem so dangerous to me in the beginning. After all we have to be willing to open up our hearts again right? But what if your heart isn't healed? What if you just had open heart surgery? How prone are you to infection or damaging that heart by opening it up until its completely healed? And heaven forbid if that infection gets in! How hard is to rid of that infection?

I started to write this blog earlier and it was called wanting to go back to sleep...I'm to tired, I'm to hurt... the infection is killing me.. I went on and on... I also said that I regretted taking the red pill because I would rather still be in a dreamland vs the reality of how damaged I am. I said a lot of very self pitting things because quite frankly, that's where I am.

After a taking my lunch down by the water, refocusing my eyes and damaged heart on my lord and his promises. I see how I have just been riding the ruff waves. I've let those ruff waves pull me away from my place on shore. I've even actually enjoyed some of the ride!
Being love bombed by my xbf was invigorating, exciting, validating and gratifying. But I saw the danger. I knew if I stayed in that ruff water I would not just possibly drift into dangerous seas but could possibly drown. I deliberately took my eyes off the shore sometimes. I wanted the fun.

Thankfully I had a lifeguard that yelled a few warnings my way.. Get out now!! Your going out to far!!! Danger! Danger! I wasn't to far out to save myself. So struggling to shore I did. I made it!!

Now I just have that long walk home, but perhaps the walk will give my heart time to heal.

Thank you lifeguard for that warning!
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