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Sobriety Journey

Posted 01-26-2019 at 06:10 AM by D122y
Updated 02-05-2019 at 11:37 PM by D122y

Sep 2015.

Been meaning to do this for a while.

I want to put this thought right up front because it is the most important thing.

Booze alters the brain's ability to produce dopamine. That is why addiction happens. Folks need the booze to feel happy and eventually normal. It takes years to nearly normalize, but the damage is permanent. That is why folks regret relapse after decades of sobriety.

Understanding that keeps me armed against addiction for the rest of my life.

In turn...

The 40 or so years drinking were fun. Guess I better believe that, because they are gone. No regrets for me. I did so much crazy stuff, that would have never been accomplished by a sober person. Enough on that.

I got to the point where the hang overs were too brutal. I have drank harder than I did in the end, but as I got older, I got weaker. So time to stop.

My sobriety journey began after a vertigo attack, after a workout, after a 6 day dry spell. That night I finished off about a fifth of whiskey. 8 May 2015.

I was in withdrawals for about a week. Brutal. Decided enough. Googled, what happens to your body when you quit drinking....boom...SR. Found the AA Big Book. Been reading it. Talks about testing myself to see if I am really an alcoholic. I already know that I am not a daily drinker. I have drank everyday, but it wrecks me. I had to take breaks.

I'm a binger. It can drink 1 drink and stop for a week. But, if I am drinking, one or two days out of the month I will have 20 drinks. It destroys me. So, I don't want to be destroyed anymore.

I read, Googled, learned. I was, and still am suffering. I suffer now because my brain is adapting to the real world without alcohol. Almost 4 months clean.

Anxiety, relief, feelings of sadness, tears.... But, through it all a have SR....and the internet.

I believe in God. So did Bill from the AA BB. He was a brilliant man, but he could not stop drinking. I followed his lead. I grabbed my bible, I prayed, in tears, to God.

I said, God, I cannot stop drinking. I am a miserable wreck. I begged God to take the burden of drinking away. I begged for a miracle. I can not keep fighting. The burden lifted. But, I am not taking this for granted.

I got problems, I vent. I got questions, I Google. I learn, I stay sober. I like being sober. I hate suffering. So, never drinking again.

I look at each day as a gift. God and his Angels have saved me from death or a fate worse. I am thankful, I am indebted. I owe God my life.

At 50 years old, I have turned the page to a new chapter of my life. The next 50 or so years. Who knows....if I play it right, technology might help me make it to 200 years old or more. Think about it. I am a Sci Fi fan....

That would be cool. Same brain, new body....or even new everything, brain data transpalnted. Getting weird....

I've noticed a lot of kindness here. Also a lot of self absorbed vents. Honestly, I like reading about other folks...good and bad...to a point..I like to help them w info.

Enough for now...Never drinking again.

Back at this blog.

Had my spell 8 May 2015. Stopped drinking. My health seems to have gotten better. I do Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. I have had at least 20 classes since quitting. I have been working out about 3 to 4 days a week. Weights and cardio. No real measure of growth yet, just feel better than before.

Still have anxiety through out the day. Way less than before. Before, I felt like I would collapse from it. Now, I feel a little wea0k. It goes away. It goes away when I get in my house. My safe place. I feel comfy around my wife and son. My people.

Anxiety comes on in new places, old places where I was when I was drunk. The more I go to those places, the anxiety gets less.

The anxiety is helping me stay sober. I know that drinking will relieve it, but then it will come back worse. Don't want that.

Continuing 26 Sep 2015...

My recovery from binge drinking has been slow, filled w anxiety, and tiring. God did this to me so I could finally get the point. These 141 days sober have helped me develop patterns of not drinking.

When I was binging, Friday night sometimes would start w 3 or 4 shots...then some food...then 5 or 6 more. I would wake up hung over, weak, dehydratEd. ..and craving...I'd usually wait until around 4 or 5 pm and do it again.

If I had a function..e.g. son had a baseball game...I would take it easy...maybe bring some vodka laced water to the game....then sometimes I would get home late...10 pm...and finish the drinking...till 12 or later...wake up bloated, red eyed, weak...craving...horrid existence.

Now, I get home Friday, nap if I want...hit the gym or jiu jitsu...Eat. ..baseball.....home..snack..sleep...wake up feeling normal...maybe sore from working out..ready to embrace life and the day.

I am not like the craving alcoholic. I don't post on SR when I crave. I don't post when I am needy. I post because I am interested in communication w like minded people.

The very few AA meeting I've gone to were helpful overall. I didn't go to them because I craving, I went to check it out...to see like minded people. I saw them.

I also saw crazy people. Loud, aggressive...time hogging...share every meeting...annoying people. They try to give off this fake happiness...but their inner struggle shines through...the fact that they vent every meeting tells me they got issues. Why does AA not go around the room...ok Janet..you shared enough for 3 people this week..give it a rest...you need to just relax.

Anyway, I am bothered by this at AA meetings. As long as I don't relapse, I will go sometimes.

13 Oct 2015

Better today than yesterday etc. Thank God. Starting to see changes in myself. Healthy looking. dealing w stress better. Driving is less stressful.

23 Apr 2016

Still sober. Closing in on a year.

I am now a 4th Degree White Belt in Gracie Jiu jitsu. I enjoy it. Next promotion is Blue Belt. It is a very big deal for me.

My health is improving. My anxiety is going away. Every day is better.

The diminished anxiety seems like it is in stages. Each stage lasts a couple of months, within each stage there is noticed healing.

I had a sort of post traumatic stress disorder after my vertigo attack on 8 May 2015. I actually had several in a 2 day window. All but 1 occurred while driving. Hence, the ptsd issues.

I am just now really able to "speed" again. Before I would drive below the speed limit, not much below though.

The best way I can explain how I have negatively felt these last 11 months is....spacey.

Not dizzy or light headed. Just out of it. It was like I was watching my life though a plexiglass glass pane that sometimes would wobble. The wobble would scare me and cause an adrenaline release. I would go into a fight or flight respones. This initially happened several times a day...exhausting...as the days turned to weeks, then to months, the attacks quelled. They go less and less and less and less severe.

I got through it drug free. That is all for now.

1 Aug 2016

Going on to 15 months of sobriety. No relapses, no slips. I have remained strong in my sobriety.

I thank God routinely for this turn around. I will never drink again. I am educated on all the nasty things alcohol does to your body and mind.

I knew, for the most part, what it did to the body, but it was not until I began to have mental issues that I really tried to quit.

Not sure why....but I will take it.

SR saved me. The posting helps me to get more satisfaction out of being sober.

AA is there for me. The folks there are just like the folks at SR. I prefer SR for now. It is 24/7 and I don't have to drive. If I begin to feel weak, unhappy, angry etc. I will search out AA before I decide to drink booze.

Again, I hate booze. I almost wrecked my car....while sober....because of a hypoglycemia attack...because of my drinking. My son was w me. I could have killed somebody.

I look at each day as a gift. I could be in jail right now. I would not be a drunk in jail, I would be fighting for my life, trying to survive and not be someone's wife....if you get it.

The anxiety has quelled...slowly...but steadily. I am totally drug free. I lost 30 to 40 lbs. I look like a new man. My energy is 10x what it was before. I have more energy everywhere. I look better and I am happy.

I appreciate my health and I am looking forward to seeing continued health gains for the next several years.

I plan to compete in BJJ tournements for the next several years to test myself and to improve my health and BJJ skill.

It is a long, slow road. It is a healthy road, a road I want to be on.

2 Jan 2017

Almost 20 months sober. I drank a double shot of wisky in jun 2016 in Mexico. I was worried i drank some local water and decided to do a shot to kill the possible bugs.

I didn't get drunk, i did feel a slight wobble in my gait. I don't care what others think about this, I only care how I feel about the situation.

If AA type folks wants me to reset my sober date they can. If they want to guilt trip me over it, they can. Just another trigger.

My anxiety is getting better still. Driving is better. Health is better. Stress is better.

I crave a bit sometimes. I say i will never drink again, but use 1 second at a time if i need to.

I am not to proud. I am an addict.

Jan 2019

I am nearly 4 years sober. I did have booze, intended and medicinal, 2 times in the last 4 years.

Once was to avoid a stomach virus, the other time was because of a high pressure toast.

I didn't get drunk, I didn't continue drinking.

It was a normie move. I don't consider either time a slip or relapses. I don't do AA, so I don't use those rules. I didn't feel a strong desire to start drinking either time. Both times there was a momentary insane thought to...get hammered...but my sober muscles were strong enough to just say...no.

So many folks preach sobriety, yet they are taking xanex or whatever. Folks taking meds need them, I won't argue. I will say that they are not as clean as me and they have no idea what it takes to get sober med free. No idea.

I take lisonpril, a multi, a b12, coffee, tea, and too much sugar. Besides overeating periodically, I am in a very good state.

Being sober has changed me in only good ways. I do better with my job and family. I am very strong now. I am stronger than many people and it is just a matter of time before I am stronger than most.

I still crave a bit, but I will never drink again. I am a born again non drinker. I hate booze. I see all drinkers as addicts at various levels of addiction.

If someone drinks 1 or 2 drinks a week they will feel stress if they stop. That is addiction. Obviously, any more is even worse.

I had to quit BJJ due to a shoulder injury. But, I still workout 4 to 7 days a week. I tend to work myself into a state of recovery bordering on being physically I'll. That is the best I can do.

At this point, anything I say is going to be a broken record. This blog is complete.
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