My Experience with Tapering Suboxone & My Quasi Journal - Part 1 - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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My Experience with Tapering Suboxone & My Quasi Journal - Part 1

Posted 04-11-2009 at 06:08 PM by christin1225
Updated 05-14-2009 at 07:13 AM by christin1225 (Update)

A week ago Thursday (April 2, 2009) I cut my Suboxone dose from 12mg to 10mg a day. I was taking 4mg in the morning/4mg afternoon/2mg at night. I couldn't find anyone who had ever experienced what I was experiencing, so I posted the following plea for help on another forum where there are many addicts who have experience with Suboxone tapering.

I had a brief oxycodone habit of 110-130mg/day, not anything that many would consider a reason to begin drug replacement therapy. For me, the beneficial aspect of beginning Suboxone was that I didn't know if I was committed enough to quit the oxys (at the time, it was more a supply issue than a desire to quit issue). I suspect that I probably would have relapsed without the Suboxone.

I was started on 12mg/day in early February and within a few days tried to start tapering without my doctor's direction. Without getting into all the details of why that wasn't a good idea, it took me the first month to realize that 12mg was what worked best to keep the cravings and the anxiety at bay. During that time, I had a day when I nodded most of the day. I was so disturbed by the incident that I skipped my nighttime dose (I take 4mg 3x/day). I woke the next morning experiencing early, but very obvious, withdrawals (which I didn't think was possible with bupe's half-life).

I'm not responding as favorably to the Suboxone therapy as I had hoped that I would and I'm afraid that I'm becoming addicted to it (I understand the difference between being physically dependent and addicted. Unfortunately, I do mean addicted.)

So, this past Thursday, I decided to try to taper again. I took my morning dose of 4mg and cut my midday dose to 2mg. By Thursday evening I was exhausted. Unable to stay awake, I took my night time dose of 4mg and went to bed at 9:30. Friday, I woke tired. I took my full 4mg dose and functioned well at work. Around midday, I took 2mg. I was completely wiped out by six-thirty. After napping most the evening on the couch, I took 4mg before bed at 10pm. This morning (Saturday), I woke with slight nausea, headache, and still extremely tired. I nodded at the computer for over an hour (having peculiar episodes of dreamlike thinking). About an hour after my morning dose of Suboxone, the nausea, headache, and fatigue were relieved. I was totally alert.

I took 2mg around 2pm and was fine until becaming slightly fatigued around 7pm. However, by 9pm I was freezing, extremely achy, and having mild anxiety with heart palpitations. At that time, I took 4mg of Suboxone and by 10:30 felt much better.

I'm a bit disturbed that I'm experiencing withdrawal symptoms so early in tapering off the Suboxone, but my main concern is the fatigue. Friday night I could not attend my NA meeting because I almost fell asleep while driving home from work. I need to know if anyone has experienced this kind of fatigue before. Is it something that will continue until I'm completely off the Sub? Is it something that I'll need to learn to expect for the first couple days right after decreasing my dose? Do other Suboxone patient think that I'm absolutely nuts to think that the fatigue has anything to do with the Suboxone dose?(Although I should probably forewarn you that I've experienced the fatigue with past tapers but always increased my dose after two days for reasons of craving and anxiety.) If this continues, I don't know how I can taper and function. Although it scares me, it may be necessary to consider jumping off at 10mg.

I plan to try to discuss this with my doctor. I have an appointment at the end of the week. Unfortunately, office visits are scheduled for no more than ten minutes and my doctor has expressed in the past that he doesn't think that there are any withdrawal symptoms when tapering off Suboxone.

It was a week ago, today, that I made that post. It was suggested to me that I change my dosing from 4/2/4 to 4/4/2. I did. Also as recommended, when I decreased this past Thursday, I decreased to 4/2/2.

There was nothing to note on the first day of the reduced dose. However, Friday was a different story.

As I was driving to work at 12:30, I got this craving out of nowhere. I hate them because, when they come, I feel as though I need to satisfy something that I don't know what it is. Next, I was struggling to get my jacket off while driving down the highway. I couldn't pull over, but I was sweating so badly I couldn't stand it. It was as though the hot flash and heart palpitations were causing the craving and I had to cool off. Anyone who has read my blog entry on craving, knows how much I hate craving. It's so degrading! I cringe when I admit to them. But, at the same time, if I'm honest with myself, when they come, I don't want to stop feeling them either.

Several times in the afternoon, I had similar expriences of craving. My first thought of course was to reach for my afternoon Suboxone dose early, (which the previous day I had reduced to 8mg). I'm trying to taper off as quickly as possible because, as my desire to take the Suboxone before it was due indicates, I may be using the Suboxone in a way that is merely switching addictions.

I know that I should have prayed to get through the craving and I even thought about it. But, I didn't. Maybe that's because, when they start, not all of me wants the craving to end because it also leads me to want to satisfy it. It sounds warped. Anyway, I ended up taking an extra quarter of a tablet.

Later Friday evening, I was so exhausted that I slept on and off on the couch as I had done with the first taper. Nevertheless, I didn't want to mess up my taper, so I decided not to take my night dose of Suboxone and, therefore, was able to remain at 8mg.

I hope that the cravings don't continue. If they don't relent, I might find it necessary to jump off at 8mg. I don't know if I'm strong enough to experience cravings week after week if they continue throughout the reductions.

Today, I'm starting this blog entry to keep track of my tapering schedule and to document the symptoms. So far, this week's symptoms have pretty much followed last week's (to a lesser degree and with the addition of cravings). This is the pattern so far:


* * * * *

(4/2) Thursday Week 1/Day #1 from 12mg - 10mg
Effects: nothing **Update: (I just read my post... I had forgotten, I was exhausted by evening). I tapered 4mg/2mg/4mg (Total days tapering 1)

(4/3) Friday Week 1/Day #2 on 10mg
(Total days tapering 2)
Dosing: 4mg/2mg/4mg. Slammed with an unexpected fatigue in the evening

(4/4) Saturday Week 1/Day #3 on 10mg
Nodded at computer 3/4 day. Very delusional quality nods. 4/2/4 dosing schedule. (Total days tapering 3)

(4/5) Sunday Week 1/Day #4 on 10mg
Alert, slight aches. New schedule 4mg/4mg/2mg
(Total days tapering 4)

(4/6) Monday Week 1/Day #5 of 10mg
Woke up, hardly able to get out of bed due to muscle and bone pain. EVERYTHING hurt!!! (Pain so bad that I called my doctor and had blood work ordered to rule out Lupus. If blood work comes back negative... pain is from Suboxone taper) (Total days tapering 5)

(4/7) Tuesday Week 1/Day #6 of 10mg
Alert, mild to moderate aches (Total days tapering 6)

(4/8) Wednesday Week 1/Day #7 on 10mg
Feeling: fine (Total days tapering 7)


(4/9) Thursday Week 2/Day #1 on 8 mg
Nothing to note. Dosing schedule 4mg/2mg/2mg
(Total days tapering 8)

(4/10) Friday Week 2/Day #2 on 8mg
Significant cravings with hot flashes, sweating, and heart palpitations around noontime. I was hit by an unexpected fatigue which prompted me to increase my midday dose to 4mg. The fatigue continued througout the evening and I skipped my evening dose. (remained at 8mg for the day) (Total days tapering 9)

(4/11) Saturday Week 2/Day #3 on 8mg
Only several episodes of dozing while sitting (although no drugged feeling, am having a little "mental activity" dreamlike/voices happening during some dozing episodes (Total days tapering 10)

(4/12) Sunday Week 2/Day #4 on 8mg
Most of the day was good (I think... I just tried to update Day #5 and accidentally erased Day #4. (Total days tapering 11)

(4/13) Monday Week 2/Day #5 of 8mg
Although I was afraid that I would wake feeling terrible, I didn't. Woke feeling alert and had a decent day. Moderate muscle and bone pain developed by night time. (Total days tapering 12)

(4/14) Tuesday Week 2/Day #6 of 8mg
Felt drugged upon waking, ankles and bottoms of feet hurt, shoulders too. Dozing at the computer during which my thoughts while typing or proofing carried into the nod/dozing state, but then start to not make sense, after which I become alert again. (Okay... just had a "therapist" in my head... sitting on a purple stuffed ottoman. I noticed that the ottman was floating and realized that who I thought was a therapist was a genie. I don't know, should I :rotfxko or , you tell me. Other than that, several hot flashes, sweating, aching back. I've taken my morning dose of 4mg almost two hours ago! Had stomach distress earlier, but am pretty sure that it is due to what I'm taking for constipation. Three hours after Suboxone... I'm completely alert.
(Total days tapering 13 - I would like to note that I was never able to taper the oxys for this long, not even for half as long as I've been tapering the Suboxone.)

(4/15) Wednesday Week 2/Day #7 on 8mg
Last night and today, I've had considerable joint/bone pain. Mostly it's been an all-over, mild aching. Today, however, I'm having areas of significant pain. A couple hours ago it was my right arm -- like a terrible tooth ache. Right now it's my back and the left side of my neck. Those episodes don't last much longer than thirty minutes at a pop. The mild flu-like aches have been joined by a dull head ache this afternoon.

Also, my body thermostat is completely haywire... hot flashes a dozen or so times a day, but most of the time I'm cold, sometimes chilled to the bone. It's worse today than it was yesterday. So, I'm assuming it will probably be better tomorrow. Because I was tired earlier (and I'm home for the day), I decided to lie down. I couldn't sleep. The kicking and jerking (though not excessive) didn't help.

My thinking turned a bit "crazy" in the evening. I've been aware that at some might I might determine it necessary to quit the Suboxone c/t (due to my response to the tapering). However, I was reminded why I was afraid to quit while having my dad's pills accessible. I had a change in my thinking that scared me because, unlike a craving, it was measured, yet it seemed no less able to take me back. It was almost as though a part of me wanted to think that it was reasonable to consider using again.
(Total days tapering: 14)


(4/16) Thursday Week 3/Day #8 on 8mg
I woke several times between 3:45 and 6:00am. The first waking was right after dreaming about discussing what my sponsor had emailed to me in response to last night's thoughts and feelings: that it's dangerous to romanticise the highs. In my dream, I had been discussing this in a group. I'm almost certain that initially I was having a "wanting to use dream" which ended with me realizing that I was romanticizing the high. I awoke covered in sweat. A few other times I woke, sweating but not dreaming.

Other than that, I feel quite well, most of the achiness is gone, leaving only the intermittent, isolated harder aches. No headache. No cravings. In spite of this fact, I think that I will hold off lowering my dose today (a little frightened to do so actually) but will consider it for tomorrow. For today, I'll pray.

Although it was a beautiful day, I wasn't motivated to do anything -- not even go outside. By evening, I was experiencing considerable chest heaviness, which I have learned to recognize as anxiety. Although it didn't progress to heart palpitations, it was still quite oppressive. I decided not to taper this week.
(Total days tapering 15)

(4/17) Friday Week 3/Day #9 on 8mg
I woke sick this morning. Sick enough that I didn't want to put anything into my mouth (including my sub). I decided to skip my AA meeting and to lie back down. Of course, I should have taken the sub, which I did once I determined to make myself go to the meeting. Although I felt better 1.5 hours later, I developed a headache, bone pain, and nausea again three hours afterward. I rested for a half hour. Five hours after my morning dose, I'm feeling better, other than for a residual headache and increasing fatigue.
I'm very grateful that I didn't have to go into work today. I hate feeling at the mercy of the Suboxone, which is exactly how I'm starting to feel. It's discouraging. If this continues, (I know that I'm projecting and I shouldn't) I will either up my dose or seriously consider c/t.
(Total days tapering 16 -- and even though it hasn't been THAT bad, it's beginning to feel like forever)

(4/18) Saturday Week 3/Day #10 on 8mg
Slept well last night. Awoke after about 4 hours of sleep with a minor craving. I often wonder if I'm dreaming about using but don't remember when I wake up craving. It was very short lived and I feel very well today. Only intermittent bone pain. Maybe the taper has leveled off? I won't be tapering again until after I call Monday and see if I can get in with a different doctor. However, I feel as though I would be able to taper today if I chose to do so.
(Total days tapering 17)

(4/19) Sunday Week 3/Day #11 on 8mg
Physical symptoms are minor. Anxiety and craving is beginning. Have remained steady at 8mg for 1.5 weeks)
(Total days tapering 18)

(4/20) Monday Week 3/Day #12 of 8mg
Thoughts, anxiety and cravings. I really can't tell which comes first the anxiety (tight, heavy chest, breathing automatically deeper, heart palps, leading to tunnel vision sensationa nd dizziness) or the craving. They are so closely associated. Still sweating with chills.

I was two hours late on my afternoon dose. I was reminded to take my Sub when an incredibly strong wave of heat and sweating washed over me. It lasted an inordinately long time and was followed by an episode of craving and anxiety (or anxiety and craving). I became extremely fatigued afterward and then took my Sub. Although the fatigue lessened, it didn't go away completely. Came home and fought the fatigue, having very "Light" dream-like toughts (it would be so much easier to know what to call this phenomenon). I couldn't read posts on SR because any mention of opioid use was a huge trigger. I went to bed around 9:30 in order to escape it. Although I stopped my dentist from prescribing something or my pain, I question my resolve to quit.)
(Day 19 from starting to taper)

(4/21) Tuesday Week 3/Day #13 of 8mg
Still fairly easily triggered. I'm battling fatigue this morning. A couple times of anxiety, the strongest while driving back from AA meeting. I'm feeling reaaaallllllyyyy tired right now. I want to be energetic again. I was always so energetic.
(Day 20 since starting to taper).

(4/22) Wednesday Week 3/Day #14 on 8mg
It's 4/27 and I'm going back to fill in where I haven't posted. I was quite depressed last week and because this is the first entry that I didn't make, I believe this is where it began. Whenever I tried to address my addiction, I cried. It wasn't just a sad type of crying or disappointed in myself type of thing. It's heart-wrenching, painful, if I have to feel like this then just let me die kind of pain and anguish. Something upset me (which I can't recall) and I was reminded that I needed to call my doc for the lab results. I decided to ask for a hydro script and did. I could sense the defiance in me but I didn't care because I also had some sense of control (I have no idea why. It makes no sense).
(Total days tapering: 21)


(4/23) Thursday Week 4/Day #15 on 8mg
(Still 4/27 and catching up) I was quite depressed. Whenever I tried to address issues of my recovery, tears streamed down my face. I hate being on the Sub and I'm afraid of coming off it. I keep thinking that if only I get a doctor that I can talk to. I can tell him everything. Maybe he will be willing to let me cut down to get off this stuff, not get angry with me, and be willing to put me back on it if I can't stick with being clean. If I can get off the Sub and not have horrible anxiety, I think that I can deal with any cravings. I'm not convinced that I can deal with the anxiety. The "depression" doesn't help either. I picked up the script, yet I have no plan to relapse. I still have hope that I can be helped, that recovery for me is possible. Yet, I still get a sense of security in stockpiling even though I honestly feel as though I would want to die if I relapsed. If I were to relapse, it would appear as though I had planned it all along. I don't want to take drugs. I want to find a way to fix this problem.
(Total days tapering 22)

(4/24) Friday Week 4/Day 16 on 8mg
I attended the Friday night NA meeting. Fairly committed to making another decrease this weekend, I decided that Sunday would be the best day. Although hiking on Saturday would be a great day because I'll be producing a load of endorphins with the strenuous hiking, that would put Monday as a possible day to feel effects... full day of work - not ideal.
(Total days tapering 23)

(4/25) Saturday Week 3/Day #17 on 8mg
Hiked in the Gunks all day. I decided that I would taper tomorrow. My body and my mind seem to miss the midday dose the least. I've been forgetting to take it at work, getting a good sweat around 4:30 which reminds me that I've forgotten. Jody said in an email that she has recognized a change in my "voice" over the past two weeks. I come across as intoxicated. There are times (especially when I'm stressed) that I become so fatigued that I can't type. I suppose that the fatigue is so overwhelming that I could feel intoxicated. I drool now (even when dozing at the computer). I've never done that before. It just makes me more determined to get off the Suboxone.
(Total days tapering 24)

(4/26) Sunday Week 4/Day #1 of 6mg
I haven't posted in almost a week but I've been reading more to encourage myself to lower again. From what others have said and I've been reading, I'm afraid that the Sub is standing in way of recovery, not helping. The sweats decreased to around 5-6 day and my anxiety has not progressed to the strong heart palps in a few days either. So... I decided that it was time to decrease.

I want to remind myself of how wonderful I have it. But first: a woman at NA spoke with me last night about my stockpiling. I'm not sure if my impulsive decisions to tell things about myself at an open NA meeting is necessarily good. I do it because, when I doubt an impulse to share, it's because I'm afraid that not to do so would be for me to be dishonest by choosing to hold back. I'm so afraid of doing something that will harm my recovery that I take the attitude of it being better that I regret that I have spoken (because I'm embarrassed) than to regret that I didn't speak (in order to keep face). This particular sharing, however, I think may have been a test too (they had not received my last sharing well and no one approached me after the meeting). Someone did come up to me and talk with me (but from our conversation, it was obvious that she wasn't there the week that I mentioned that I was on Suboxone, or she didn't remember).

Anyway, I keep finding out that the stuff that I do is not so uncommon for addicts to do. When I find this out, I try to remember where I've heard about the behavior because maybe I'm merely copying something that I've heard described. Because I do this, I wonder if there is still a part of me that isn't admitting to being an addict. Or... maybe it's just a part of the acceptance issue.

Oh... why am I so fortunate? In spite of all my craziness, Jody sticks by me. I think that sometimes her willingness to do so is the only thing that makes me feel that I have a chance of moving forward. If not for her, I would be working very hard to find a way to repress all this stuff to get it out of the way. Much of the hope that I have that I will be able to work my way through accepting that I'm an addict and dealing with the issues is really just me holding onto the hope that I have sensed in her.
(Total days tapering 25)

(4/27) Monday Week 4/Day #2 of 6mg
I'm very sore (calves) from hiking on Saturday. Other than that, I feel fine. Still drowsy at the computer.

(4/28) Tuesday Week 4/ Day #3 on 6mg
So far so good. Have not really felt reduction yet. Tired but not much more than usual.

(4/29) Wednesday Week 4/ Day #4 on 6mg
Slight aches. My ankles and calves are swollen. (Have been since Monday evening. The left more noticeably than the right. However, they seem to be going down some. I see my left ankle bone now. I've been elevating them. I was surprised not to be sick or extremely achy today considering what I experienced with the last reduction


(4/30) Thursday Week 5/Day #5 on 6mg
Woke up nauseated, headache, dizzy. Definitely dope sick. At least the stomach cramps allowed me to have a BM (a couple times in the morning) without having taken anything. I guess that's still the closest thing to diarrhea that my system can muster while at even 6mg. I'm assuming that will change as I continue to reduce. Although my physical symptoms improved enough to be able to eat a small dinner, I became more fragile emotionally by evening, starting to cry when addressing my addiction. I don't know how to stop feeling so hopeless about it all. Also, the fatigue increased and by nighttime I would close my eyes while sitting and would find myself anwering my own questions as though I thought I should be. Not until my lips were moving in answer (hardly a whisper) did I realize that my thoughts seemed so real to me that I was prompted to answer them. My calves and ankles are swollen (left noticeably worse than the right).

(5/1) Friday Week 5/ Day #6 on 6mg / bumped to 8mg today
Awoke feeling much better than yesterday. By 10:30 I had he dry heaves and was sick the rest of the day. I'm having a lot of trouble even drinking without wanting to vomit. I at a little ice cream before bed and became very ill. Within twenty minutes I had the heaviest chest that I have had in a long time. It was so oppressive and made me dizzy. I took an extra 2mg to help get over this hump. I have read about bumping up the dose for a day to help get past a particularly rough spot.

(5/2) Saturday Week 5/Day #7 on 6mg
see 5/10 note

(5/3) Sunday Week 5/Day #8 of 6mg
see 5/10 note

(5/4) Monday Week 5/ Day #9 of 6mg
see 5/10 note

(5/5) Tuesday Week 5/Day #10 of 6mg
see 5/10 note

(5/6) Wednesday Week 5/Day 11 of 6mg
see 5/10 note


(5/7) Thursday Week 6/ Day 12 of 6mg
see 5/10 note I want enter this day again because the day was so difficult to endure. This day was the first day that I understood the part of the "burning desire" that mentions hurting self or others. Regardless of what I read that was encouraging, I became angry. Even suggestions that I read by my sponsor irritated me. It was the first time that I ever felt irritated at HER and not just the concept of what she was saying. Everything in me hurt so bad that I could almost sense the relief that would come in hurting myself. Of course, I knew that it didn't make sense. Regardless, I knew that it would help. It was the day from hell that started one of the most difficult weekends that I have had to live through. I have not wanted a drink more in my life. Thinking about it, even now -- a full week later -- I can start to feel anxious. On the one hand, I feel that if I could get through that, I can do anything and I can lick this. Then, I feel that if I ever have to do it again, there is no way that I would get through it.

(5/8) Friday Week 6/ Day 13 of 6mg
see 5/10 note Friday was not as horrific as Thursday. I shared at AA and NA, but was only temporarily relieved to the point of not going crazy. I decided that I had to do something and would fill the anxiety and anti-depressant prescriptions.

(5/9) Saturday Week 6 / Day 14 of 6mg
Filled the scripts. Read the side effects. Scared the **** out of me. Because the anxiety is still bad and the symptoms at least don't involve seizures, I'll try that tomorrow.

(5/10) Sunday Week 6 / Day#15 on 6mg
I just back-journaled for the past eight days and exited the blog without saving. I'm really frustrated right now! But, that's been my life for past eight days, which I believe began with the frustration and temptation of going to the oncoligst. It was so hard not to get a script. I almost relapsed Thursday night. I'm sick of the cravings. I've been depressed for the past several days. I'm going to make a separate blog entry to cover the past eight days. I'm also going to rearrange the entries for my tapering schedule so that they more resemble a journal. This format is too confusing for me and the original intent for it is not necessary because the symptoms are too unpredictable.

I woke with hypersenstive hearing. I can't recall if this ever happened while on the oxys or if it's just since starting the Suboxone. It's annoying. Every tap of the keyboard sounds in my ears as though pressurized, being blown in with wind. It's mainly (if not exclusively) my left ear, which has been paining me (I've been blaming it on TMJ), getting hot and wet feeling -- almost wanting to run kind of feeling. The hot and wet make me think of nerve.

That's all I have time for this morning. It's Mother's Day. (I'll try to save this entry this time!)

On Mother's Day, I took a total of two doses of the Neurontin (I also hoped that it would help with my other pain issues). The two doses made me dizzy and then loopy to the point where I was forgetting that I was talking while I was talking. I decided to wait to ask the new doctor about it.

(5/11) Monday Week 6 / Day 16 of 6mg
Backjournaling (today is 5/13). Monday was a decent day. The horrible anxiety and depression seems to have lifted. I'm not sure if I'm finally stabilizing on 6mg or if the effects of the Neurontin got me out of head enough to give me a reprieve. I am having cravings. I was triggered at lunch time while at a stoplight. Saw a CVS sign. Instant craving and anxiety.

(5/12) Tuesday Week 6/Day 17 of 6mg
Only slept a little of two hours last night. Went to AA and took my Sub. Around 10am, I took another 2mg of Sub because I was sick. About an hour later, I was better. I know that I bumped my dose up to 8mg a couple times last week to deal with being sick and cravings. Now, I think that Monday night's anxiety marathon and insomnia might have been due to low Sub levels. The 2mg of Sub made me better. Went to bed before another 2mg was needed. Kept daily dose at 6mg.

(5/13) Wednesday Week 6/ Day 18 of 6mg
Anxiety is low today. Nausea is gone. Cravings are very strong, though, stomach-knotting, sickening type. I have the Wizard of Oz lion in my head (as I too often do). I hear my inner voice telling me, "I want to use... I do, I do, I do, I do, I do."


(5/14) Thursday Week 6/ Day 18 of 6mg
Emotionally, I feel well today. Still having cravings but, so far, not quite as strong as yesterday. Let's correct that last statement (what a difference just a few hours can make.) I have an appointment with new doctor today and I have a feeling that he will suggest raising my dose to help curb the cravings. But the thought of raising my suboxone dose is actually frustrating because it brings to mind a state of nonethingness or something. I don't want Suboxone. I want my oxys so bad that I cry. I think that this is what starts it all. The tears are stupid, I know. They just come when the craving gets so intense. I can't do this again this week. If it becomes like last week I WILL DO SOMETHING to relieve it. But, if I keep raising my dose, I'm never going to break the physical addiction. But, I don't know how to survive the cravings. Apparently, they aren't going to let up this time. I don't know. I can't seem to recall if they finally let up at 8mg or if I just waited to feel better for a couple day and then lowered again. The anxiety is back full force. I think that I might have triggered an asthma attack.

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