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Old 12-07-2009, 08:48 AM   #21 (permalink)
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This has been an interesting thread to read, thank you for all that have shared. I have yet to meet an addict or alcoholic that does not struggle in this arena of life. Heck me and some friends even started a young peoples meeting of AA called "Straight Pepper Diet". The first time I heard the phrase "Incomprehensible demoralization" I wasn't sure what it meant, but I knew without a doubt how it felt. That term summed up my selfish quest of sexual conquests. Incomprehensible demoralization. Some where along the lines I developed this idea that if I could get a women to have sex with me, that it gave me value, made me worth something. Along with my other addictions I pursued this one clearly into insanity. I am so grateful for the big book and its very poignant advice in this matter.
page 70 of the Big Book
"To sum up about sex: We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing. If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache."

I send all my sponsees to this page, because it has truly helped me. Now I wish I could say that I have not made mistakes since being in recovery, but alas progress not perfection. Today my self-worth is not dictated by such things, this is one more miracle of the twelve steps in my life.
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Old 05-09-2010, 10:05 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Just bringing this up to the front to be seen.........

I love all of you and there is not a damn thing you can do about it!!!
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Old 05-10-2010, 04:00 PM   #23 (permalink)
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I attended a very interesting event in April. It was a couples-only AA/Al-Anon conference that's been held for twenty years. This year, for the first time, there was a session on sex. It was well-attended, participants were thoughtful and respectful, and the results were astounding.

The entire weekend was, for that matter. Couples were very bravely sharing even the most painful things, so they themselves could work through issues, and so their experience might benefit others. Jackie and I were blown away, and we're already looking forward to next year's conference!
Thanks for bringing this up again, Toad. It ties in nicely with tabfan's post on the BIR page.

Jackie and I did attend the AA/Al-Anon conference again this April. Just as profound and enjoyable an experience as last year's. They had the sex meeting again, and the room was packed to overflowing! Word must have gotten around about how good it was.

And I'm so glad to see people talking about such a vital subject, at the conference and here on these forums. How many of us have wrestled with this subject, and tried to find that "sane and sound ideal" the book Alcoholics Anonymous mentions? Thank God folks are willing to talk about it!

--------------------------

As an adjunct to the conference I mentioned, attendees have started "Chapter Nine" meetings in their home towns. Austin's Chapter Nine group has been going on for a number of years, but the meetings were always held on Saturday nights. Month after month, something would conflict and we'd have to miss the meeting.

After this year's conference, we met with several other couples who have also had to miss the Saturday night meetings. We batted around some ideas, and finally decided to hold Wednesday meetings (once a month, just like the Saturday group). The group wanted a central and stable location, so for the time being meetings are held in our home in North Austin. If the group takes off and grows enough to be self-sustaining, we'll seek out a church basement nearby, and move the meetings there.

Been a long time since I've helped start a new group. Whee! An adventure! :rotfxko
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Old 05-10-2010, 04:20 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Hot Topic!! Literally... It great when mature people talk about openly and honestly. I have great respect for AAs take on sex and think it is a great exercise for anyone to learn about themself and get their heads on straight. The big thing for me was a lack of communication with my partners. I was never sure what it meant to them, even though I knew what it meant to me. I simply and selfishly projected my own meaning onto my partner. Now it's better and real and I don't get crabs or feel awkward in the morning. Love that Willie Nelson song, "at 2 I went to bed with a 10 and at 10 I woke up with a 2". Sex is an amazing communication tool that is only as honest as it's user...

"PS..........Hey Bill, when I give a lady a ride on my scooter, is it polite to ask for a kiss for luck?"
I'm thinking it depends on where you want the kiss? LOL
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Old 05-12-2010, 04:40 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Y'all are amazing! I have enjoyed the _ _ _ _ outta reading all this!

Toad: I know you asked BillJ the question, but if you don't mind, I would like to give you an answer to your question about the "kiss for luck"......

My friend (different friend than the one mentioned in a previous post) and I went out one evening and had a good time. Nothing special, just hung-out with some friends in late June. When he gave me a ride home, he asked if he could give me a kiss. I told him "I would rather not". I did not feel comfortable with that at that time. Now, if Tab Benoit asked me for a kiss, I might have considered it, even if it IS a bold request! But, alas, my friend and I work together, and I didn't think it would be appropriate. We STILL work together and everything is cool. At least, it is to me, and I hope it is with him.
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Old 05-12-2010, 04:42 PM   #26 (permalink)
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BillJ,

You started a NEW group! Hey, I'm proud of you!
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Old 05-13-2010, 09:13 AM   #27 (permalink)
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I'll post this over in this one too I guess!

You guys have got this thing going in both rooms *taunting* us non-bike owners with your SEX threads! ;-)
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Old 05-13-2010, 09:59 AM   #28 (permalink)
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I'll post this over in this one too I guess!

You guys have got this thing going in both rooms *taunting* us non-bike owners with your SEX threads! ;-)
Hey, you can join the fun if you want!
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Old 05-13-2010, 10:15 AM   #29 (permalink)
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Now, if Tab Benoit asked me for a kiss, I might have considered it, even if it IS a bold request!
I had to Google "Tab Benoit" to see what the fuss was about.



He's cute, I guess, if you like that sort of thing, but he's not my type. You can have him! :rotfxko

Yeah, I helped start a group. We had our second meeting last night. It's certainly been a good thing so far. Even though there were just two couples last night, we had plenty to talk about, and ran well over an hour and a half!

We're hoping the group will grow, with time, but I'm content to let it stay small and intimate - a place where people feel safe opening up and discussing the hard day-to-day stuff, in sobriety and in relationships. That's important, I think.
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Old 05-13-2010, 11:10 AM   #30 (permalink)
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You know what, I have kids. I'm the proud owner of not one but TWO tricycles.

So there! Maybe I will play.
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Old 05-13-2010, 04:30 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Alizerin,

Please come out and play! (smiling)
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Old 05-13-2010, 04:52 PM   #32 (permalink)
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BillJ,

THANKS for posting Tab's pic! It made my day! He is a gentleman. I met him in '94 and we have been friends ever since. I may have seen him 15 times in concert in about seven different states including his home state of Louisiana. (Went to the "Jazz Fest" in 2000)

Some of my friends have asked me: "Didn't you and Tab have a 'relationship' in the past?" I always tell them the same thing: We have been FRIENDS only; We have never gone out with each other. He was single when I met him and so was I. I love his bluesy guitar music and I told him so. I believe in being HONEST upfront and right away!
He has NEVER come on to me. My sponsor tells me: "....And, if he WOULD HAVE, it would have been all over for him!" Hah! Hah! Hoo-hoo!

Truth is, though, we have respect for each other.
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Old 05-13-2010, 04:58 PM   #33 (permalink)
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BillJ,

I have an extra room in San Antone if you and Jackie would like to use it while attending the "International AA Conference". I originally got it for my sponsor. I was hoping to talk her and her husband into joining me there, but she told me that it is highly unlikely they will be able to attend.

Just a thought.......
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Old 01-15-2013, 10:11 AM   #34 (permalink)
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?..........sex.........any comments?
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Old 05-23-2017, 05:36 AM   #35 (permalink)
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Yada Yada Yada

In the Hebrew this word means "to know" in a sexual way. Funny how the TV sitcom Steinfeld made the word popular...I thought I would bring this thread back up front (Up Front is the name of the AA group I attend in the prison). It is amazing how many relapse because of sex in relationships...could be not enough, too much, with those outside the relationship.....amazing how many are in prison because somebody cheated.
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Old 05-23-2017, 05:46 AM   #36 (permalink)
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I like sex....she doesn't. We all know how that works out!
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Old 02-01-2018, 10:38 AM   #37 (permalink)
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bump
too good to let sink into the depths of old unused threads
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Old 02-02-2018, 05:30 AM   #38 (permalink)
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Bill W. put a couple of pages in the Big Book dealing with sex. It says that a separate inventory should be taken dealing with the subject of sex...I still take AA meetings into the prison and am amazed at how many men are in prison for alcohol and drug use that can trace their individual charges (reason for being busted) back to somebody cheating.....jealousy will make people do strange things. What I have learned over the years about relationships is that it is not the love that is so important, but trust, honesty and communication. When these exist love will flourish.

Thanks for letting me share.........toad
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Old 02-02-2018, 06:37 AM   #39 (permalink)
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Back in the day i used sex for many of my
selfish needs. Sex to get that much needed
attention i wasn't getting in my own back
yard. Yes, i did think the grass was always
greener on the other side for a long time.

Sick in my own alcohol addiction, i looked
for love in all the wrong people, places and
things and never really caring whom id hurt
in the process, just as long as I was emotionally
taken care of.

For so long i was the ugly duckling until
alcohol gave me that confidence to turn
my sick thinking around. I armed myself
with some knowledge as to what to do,
then began to score, and that I thought would
be the answer to my restlessness, irritability
and discontent.

However and needless to say, it never
completely satisfied my craving for that
emotional need i was truly looking for
because i knew deep down inside it was
false, untrue, wrong, against all the right
principles i was raised and taught with.

It took me a long time filled with guilt
and remorse to finally accept my failure,
wrong doings, dishonesty, adulteries,
using the steps taught to me yrs ago
incorporating them in all areas of my
life to achieve what I have today.

The door to the greener grass on
the other side of the fence was closed
and now i stay within the walls of my
beautiful white fence surrounding my
lovely backyard, my garden of paradise
built with on Faith. love, trust and honesty.

Maintenance on my life in sobriety
is an on going task to achieve the
gift of the promises as written for
us in the Big Book of AA.
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Old 02-02-2018, 06:03 PM   #40 (permalink)
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last night I went to our weekly big book step meeting.The step was step 4 part 3,the sex inventory.
It was a really good meeting.
13 present,about half and half men - women
I know I was one of those who needed a overhauling there.I was full of guilt,remorse and shame.No wonder I couldn`t stay sober.
I was full of dishonesty,selfishness,and very inconsiderate of others.
What my inventory was showing me was insanity.My step 8 grew by leaps and bounds during this step.My sponsor wanted me to come up with a sex ideal.I looked back at the question,what should we have done instead?
I got my sex ideal from there and the principles from the big book.
My sex ideal turned out to be a prayer.
In it,I asked for strength to do the right thing and sanity.
We let God,demonstrate thru us what He can do.He restored my sanity in this area and now my mind and emotions are a lot better.After the meeting,a sponsee talked to me about some sexual abuse he never addressed before.He was sober 14 yrs and got drunk,now sober nearly one year,he said he intends to cover it all this time
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