Pernell, MG, Just Tired
 

I sent a private message today because I was AFRAID to pose the question on the board. I was AFRAID that people would think I was just "not getting it" and would flat give up on me!

When I read this post from Pernell and MG and Just Tired, I knew I had to respond because this is what I am going through right now!

When my son called from jail today, my intention was to say "you need to get on anti-depressants" "you need to stop drugs, as they depress you more" "you need to realize that you need help" "you need to get serious about your recovery"

You need, need, need! Instead, he called to say "when I get out of here tomorrow, I'm going to kill myself!" I didn't react like he wanted me to I guess, so he hung up on me! He called 15 times after that, I didn't answer the calls! Now, I'm thinking "what if he does kill himself, it'll be my fault for not listening to him!"

Then I read the posts! I still am not ACCEPTING, and therefore am not getting WELL! I'M FLAT SCARED TO DEATH!

Hugs, Devastated

Devastated.

I was right there when I wrote this post last year. My son was suicidal and on crack and heading toward death.

I faced the fear by facing the fear. I can't tell you how very hard it was to do it. Hardest thing I have ever been through. My son was living with me and became violent after drinking one time. I had to lock him out of the house when he was drunk. I tried to get the police to take him, but they just left him out in the freezing rain. He was too drunk to find shelter. He was knocking on my door all night crying begging me to let him in. I saw him crawling under a mattress in the alley trying to get warm. He would leave for a couple of hours and then come back knocking telling me he was freezing. At that point I knew he could die that night. I sat in the kitchen in the dark and I felt the most pain I have ever felt in my entire life and I've been through some pain. I looked that fear in the face and it died. I felt it die. I think it took a part of me with it, but things have never been the same since. Not for me or my son.

I handed him out some coffee and a sandwich in the morning and sent him on his way. I am crying just typing this. It's a very hard memory. It set me free though and I think it even set my son free of our destructive pattern in our relationship. He hasn't threatened suicide since that day.

Sometimes recovery involves risk. Especially when we can't control the outcome of their choices in life. Accepting jail, institutions or death was necessary in order for me to move on. I was a prisoner to my own fear.

pernell
i have a son 36 who inject coke and use Morphine too drink too.He was in rehap August/03 did well i thought,but after aweek he was right backbefore he was not using needles,but since his detox and rehap he has got much worse lost job and looks awfull,I can't except death even thought he was trying to kill himself when he lost his job bad physosis from it all,i am really trying,but than i get an abuse call and here I go again why do i answer the phone,i guess because I alwayes think he is really sick now i don't give money I have learned not too.
why such big change since rehap???
Muf

Morning GLory
 

Hi MG:

Wow! I don't think I could have made it through the night like that! How horrible that a mother has to be subjected to problems like this.

I was trying to think what it is that keeps me from facing the inevitable and you just jogged my memory! It's RISK! You've got to be willing to take the RISK!

By taking the RISK it either gets better or it doesn't!

I have accepted jail and had to accept prison (San Quentin) I just know if I don't change and learn that I have to accept the RISK nothing will change.

I can't say it yet, but I feel it getting closer!

Thanks for sharing!

Hugs, Devastated

Experience,Strength and Hope
 

Muf and Devastated welcome to tthe recovery forum. I was just reading your post and I see that MG, has given you some very detailed and strong experience to draw upon. It is not pretty but it is real. You have to accept the fact that there is nothing physically possible that you can do to help your love ones. You can give them advice and suggestions after that it becomes an emotional roller-coaster if you allow it to be. They are powerless over their disease and they will also make you powerless over your responses to their disease if you allow it. You do have a choice, take the risk of taking care of you first and leave the rest to "God." Whatever is His will, it will be.

I am praying for you and your love ones.

Just for Today

Thank you Pernell and MG for bringing this back up to the top.
I believe this is a deep fear that we all face as mothers. I am resigned to the fact, that, because of our 2 sons drug abuse, they could die today, or tomorrow, regardless of whether or not they state they are suicidal.
I do have one question though. Why does it seem to me, although I may be wrong, that the majority of parents who are codependent are MOTHERS? I really don't see very many fathers posting. It appears to me, that fathers seem to have a different take on raising, then "letting go".
MY husband must have nerves of steel, and says, what will be, will be. So simply stated. Why then do us mothers have difficulty detaching and setting firm boundaries?
What is the ratio of fathers versus mothers as codependents?

(sorry so many questions)

Answers
 

mooselips welcome to the recovery forum. You know I try to have most of the FAQ but you have a posed one that I cannot honestly answer without speculating and that's not good. I cannot direct you to two sites that you may be able to give you an answer.

www.nar-anon.com
or
www.parentsanonymous.com

Corrections
 

This appears to be the wrong address, here is the corrections.

www.naranon.com and

www.parentsanonymous.org

Thanks MG - I've not seen this one before and have to admit, I needed to today.

Thanks from me, too. I can definately apply the denial issue to myself! This was very informative and will go on my recovery board at home.

I hear that troppixx - I am teetering right now between denial, and self-doubt. I'm putting this one in the ME file...I'm surprised that it isn't a sticky.

That's a great suggestion, Abt! Hey MG, can we make this a sticky?

If you really want her to do that, pm her and ask about it. She may not come back into this thread for a while again, looking at the dates of the last few posts. She might appreciate it being brought to her attention that some of us would enjoy it being a sticky. I know I would.

Here's the way it works for me. I am _not_ addicted to my wife and her addiction. I am addicted to my own "denial" of the reality of our situation. For me, denial is a fantasy I create in my head in order to avoid the pain of life's misfortunes. I have no intention of ever giving up on my wife. What I'm giving up on is my fantasy that I have enough power in this world to create the changes needed to bring her to recovery. I can be supportive of her, should she choose to change her life. What I can _not_ do is _cause_ those changes.

In my case, denial is born from fear. Fear of the harm that will come to those I love. Fear is the absence of faith. I lack the faith that my HP will provide me with the tools and strength to overcome whatever hardships come my way. I lack that faith even though my HP has stood beside me my entire life. I lack the faith because I am still clinging to the fantasy that I can somehow have enough power to control the world and prevent these harmful things from happening.

It's a nasty little circle, and it draws me down into a well of insanity called "co-dependency".

I break out of the circle by taking action. By doing what it says in the 12 steps of recovery. Last night I had a choice. I could have stayed home, vegged out reading a good book, chatted with some friends on the phone, and generally kicked back. Instead, I got a phone call and I accepted a request to go on a Al-Anon 12 step. I met a young man who's wife is addicted to pills, who's daughter has been taken from them by Child Protective Services. She's spent all their money and they're living in a house without power, water or phone. He's madly in love with her and she's running around on him.

Last night I was not able to save my wife from her addiction. Instead, I was able to bring a small measure of relief to a young guy who is in a world of pain. I left him a list of meetings and phone numbers. I left him my personal copies of various Al-Anon books that I have marked up and annotated over the last few months. I left him a little bit of hope that his pain can be relieved, that he too can have a life that is happy, joyous and free.

Last night I was able to step out of my own circle of denial, fear and lack of faith by taking the actions that are outlined in the 12 step program. I had the faith to reach out to another, and the hope that another will reach out to my wife.

Whadya think?

Mike :-)

Abt,

Done! :)

Thanks for bringing this one out, The fear of death is HUGE for me, my brother is the addict in my life. When I think about the things I have done to try and save him, dont need to list as you all know, cause most likely you have done them all to.
I know that death is a very real reality in my brothers life, any minute it could happen, I cant say I accept it, but I know it could happen.
I know I cant stop it, but I still run a little to check on him, but whos to say that my HP isnt sending me, that statement is proably not gonna go over very well, but I often wonder. When you trying so very hard to let go, its like their drug use, when we are ready to do it we will, I dont know how or when.
I just get so tired of it, it really is exhausting, someone will say, stop doing this your self, ok I know I know, its just not that easy. Thanks this is a good one! sisterofD