how do you detach?
Originally Posted by osier59
Glad this one came back around.
Mine is that I can tell my son "I love you very much, you're so smart, and I know you're going to find your way.... and no, I won't contribute to your bail fund"
Mine is that I can tell my son "I love you very much, you're so smart, and I know you're going to find your way.... and no, I won't contribute to your bail fund"
Glad this came back around and the second Quote too.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Ben Lomond, CA
Posts: 2
I don't know if this is the right place to ask this. If not, I hope a moderator will make the appropriate change.
I think I understand the detachment thing (sort of), but what am I supposed to do when AD wants help to get clean (stay in our home to detox - has no where else to go), wants help to get her life together (wants to borrow car to run numerous errands, etc - a big fat NO - finally got that one right!). What about cashing her disability check for her - she ran her checking account into the ground writing bad checks (of course, she's not told me this herself), it will take her at least two of those checks to bring it above water, in the meantime she has no money for anything - cigarettes, bus, etc. It is her money, but I don't feel good about it, and the most recent check, she obviously found some way to cash it without me . . . .
How does one be supportive, without being enabling??
I am feeling overwhelmed and used.
Sue
I think I understand the detachment thing (sort of), but what am I supposed to do when AD wants help to get clean (stay in our home to detox - has no where else to go), wants help to get her life together (wants to borrow car to run numerous errands, etc - a big fat NO - finally got that one right!). What about cashing her disability check for her - she ran her checking account into the ground writing bad checks (of course, she's not told me this herself), it will take her at least two of those checks to bring it above water, in the meantime she has no money for anything - cigarettes, bus, etc. It is her money, but I don't feel good about it, and the most recent check, she obviously found some way to cash it without me . . . .
How does one be supportive, without being enabling??
I am feeling overwhelmed and used.
Sue
IamUnique,
I am so glad you brought this back up! I was doing well, but I really lost it (my mind, that is) today. Today has been a very bad day. I think perhaps because this morning I let myself get into a discussion with AH about what HE needs to do. I had been keeping quiet, letting him figure it out for once.
So here goes:
1. I will take care of myself, make decisions with our son & myself in mind.
2. I will NOT give him money, not even for gas or smokes (he is not working)
3. I will NOT worry about paying the debt that is only in his name.
4. I will NOT allow him to bring his 'friends' into our home.
5. I will NOT do his unemplyment application for him.
6. I will NOT ask him where he is going, or when he will be back.
7. I will NOT call his cell phone repeatedly looking for him, or check his phone records to see who he has been calling.
8. I will NOT call to see if he is awake.
9. I will NOT enter into discussions about what he needs to do.
10. I will NOT cuddle or have sex with this stranger.
Does anyone have a comment about that last one? I have never withheld sex from him before. We have always had a wonderful sex-life. But in the past several months I do not particularity enjoy it and feel used after. Am I punishing him? Or is this really about me and what I do and don't want for my well-being?
Thanks....
I am so glad you brought this back up! I was doing well, but I really lost it (my mind, that is) today. Today has been a very bad day. I think perhaps because this morning I let myself get into a discussion with AH about what HE needs to do. I had been keeping quiet, letting him figure it out for once.
So here goes:
1. I will take care of myself, make decisions with our son & myself in mind.
2. I will NOT give him money, not even for gas or smokes (he is not working)
3. I will NOT worry about paying the debt that is only in his name.
4. I will NOT allow him to bring his 'friends' into our home.
5. I will NOT do his unemplyment application for him.
6. I will NOT ask him where he is going, or when he will be back.
7. I will NOT call his cell phone repeatedly looking for him, or check his phone records to see who he has been calling.
8. I will NOT call to see if he is awake.
9. I will NOT enter into discussions about what he needs to do.
10. I will NOT cuddle or have sex with this stranger.
Does anyone have a comment about that last one? I have never withheld sex from him before. We have always had a wonderful sex-life. But in the past several months I do not particularity enjoy it and feel used after. Am I punishing him? Or is this really about me and what I do and don't want for my well-being?
Thanks....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
Wonderful thread. Amazing all the s*** we do for them, in the name of love or codie.
I will (try) not to do any of the above...but ya know I never even thought about the sex thing, of course that could be because the addict is my daugh.
But seriously, we all start with baby steps, and we (I) sometimes slip, so I'll keep coming back & keep going to meetings, and sharing (our hopes, strengths, encouragements & fears.) And keep remembering I shall not do for her, what she can do for herself.......
Chris
"One day at a time"
I will (try) not to do any of the above...but ya know I never even thought about the sex thing, of course that could be because the addict is my daugh.
But seriously, we all start with baby steps, and we (I) sometimes slip, so I'll keep coming back & keep going to meetings, and sharing (our hopes, strengths, encouragements & fears.) And keep remembering I shall not do for her, what she can do for herself.......
Chris
"One day at a time"
Originally Posted by iamunique
Since I have Three A's in my life I have alot of detaching to do! To me, detachment doesn't mean I don't love them, doesn't mean I have to leave them but I certainly don't have to love what they do. Their feelings are their feelings and mine are mine.
Their problems are their problems and mine are mine.
I own my feelings and problems and they own theirs.
I don't have to sit by the phone waiting for the bad news about my son.
I don't feel guilty when I don't give him that lousy two dollars.
I don't have to be in a bad mood because their in a bad mood.
I don't have to stay up all night worrying about them all.
I can take care of myself and my recovery.
I can set boundaries.
I can let Go and Let God take care of them and Ditto to what every one else said!
Iamunique.....You all are the BEST!
Their problems are their problems and mine are mine.
I own my feelings and problems and they own theirs.
I don't have to sit by the phone waiting for the bad news about my son.
I don't feel guilty when I don't give him that lousy two dollars.
I don't have to be in a bad mood because their in a bad mood.
I don't have to stay up all night worrying about them all.
I can take care of myself and my recovery.
I can set boundaries.
I can let Go and Let God take care of them and Ditto to what every one else said!
Iamunique.....You all are the BEST!
Surprise!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: thornton, IL
Posts: 2
detachment
Detachment has helped me so much, it took so long for me to get IT. I think out of all the things I've learned from naranon thats really helped me is detaching and realizing that im powerless over his addiction, So i unplugg the phone and keep myself busy and keep in my head that im powerless over it and that I can't fix him, it, his situations, and now today, i know i must move on without him and i have hope. and i know i will be okay, No more guilt, he can do it without me, hes a grown man and he needs to grow up with out me, And no i wont believe him when he says he'll never do it again, so many relaspes so many excuses, and I'm done.....
Lynnez
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Peoria, AZ
Posts: 16
Good One
Great Thread. I just saw it this morning. I'm also new at truly detaching. I knew I couldn't live with him if he used again, so I set up the boundary...use again and you are gone. He did. I put him out. And made the mistake of talking to him every day. Or asking his girls how he was. That just hurt more. I didn't detach. Was just controlling from a distance. I knew I was going down the drain emotionally, so I had to detach at a distance. I am now 2,000 miles away. So, he has to either hit bottom or die or go back to jail. The safety net is gone. My daughter did tell me that he showed up the day after I left to find out if I had really gone. And that did hurt. I hadn't heard from him in 4 weeks before I left. Then he comes around the next morning. took 2 buses and a day off work to look for me. I don't know exactly what it means. I do believe the man I USED to know still loves me. But I also know I can't live in active addiction anymore. It was killing me and he just went on his merry way. Jail is NOT a threat to him. He does better in jail. So, now for the first time in 6 years he will have to either get better on his own or go straight down the drain on his own. Where I still struggle is wanting it in MY time, NOT God's. I still have hope he'll get clean some day.
Lynne
Lynne
Boy, detachment was a tough one for me. I just didn't get it. I always seemed to end up in indifference instead of detatchment.
What really helped me was working on non-judgement....then detachment just seemed to follow. I was always judging my AH because not judging him seemed like I was condoning his behavior. When I learned that Not judging does not mean that I condone what he does, the light started to dawn and I could take a big step back and let him live his own life. What he does is not a reflection of me, and my judging him only draws me into low behavior.
I just read that back and if sounds very awkward, but it was a huge enlightenment for me.
(((Hugs)))
Babs
What really helped me was working on non-judgement....then detachment just seemed to follow. I was always judging my AH because not judging him seemed like I was condoning his behavior. When I learned that Not judging does not mean that I condone what he does, the light started to dawn and I could take a big step back and let him live his own life. What he does is not a reflection of me, and my judging him only draws me into low behavior.
I just read that back and if sounds very awkward, but it was a huge enlightenment for me.
(((Hugs)))
Babs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: between a rock and a hard place
Posts: 24
the hard part i had with detachment was how do you detach with love. i could not for the life of me figure this out. i kept thinking it didn't make sense. LOVE, i wanted to kill. i could understand the detach part but with love? how? then i read somewhere - i think in the odat book this woman described detaching with love was when her alcoholic husband past out on the floor at night she would get all pissed off trying to wake him or put him into bed herself and she felt it was to cruel to leave him there so her solution to detaching with love was the next time this happened to not get upset and to instead leave him there but cover him with a blanket. somehow i finally got it.
hi mungg...i am working on the same thing. just seems so unnatural to detach from one's own son, doesn't it??? I'm trying a little at a time. I'm obsessed with my obsession over his recovery. sure wish HE would....hang in there. baby steps..for both of us.
it has taken me a lllloooonnnnnngggggggg time to get my list together.
1. i will not believe his lyin' eyes.
2. no money-ever!
3. the debt he has is his, not mine.
4. i will not worry about his debt anymore.
5. i will not worry about his future when he gets released, that's his job.
6. i will not let him live here. (working on that one. he's still in jail)
7. i will keep detaching with love one day at a time.
8. i will pray for his recovery, but i won't try forcing him into it again. it only makes me crazy.
that's all i have for now. i am a work in progress and will continue day by day.
thanks for all the feedback. linda
1. i will not believe his lyin' eyes.
2. no money-ever!
3. the debt he has is his, not mine.
4. i will not worry about his debt anymore.
5. i will not worry about his future when he gets released, that's his job.
6. i will not let him live here. (working on that one. he's still in jail)
7. i will keep detaching with love one day at a time.
8. i will pray for his recovery, but i won't try forcing him into it again. it only makes me crazy.
that's all i have for now. i am a work in progress and will continue day by day.
thanks for all the feedback. linda
Wow, this is exactly what I needed. I just have one question....how do you accept that even though you are married you are still a sad and lonely single parent? If that is the case, why stay?
I know, because I love him and we have 2 beautiful children, the good days are really good, and because if I left I would be more miserable not ever knowing how he is doing. At least I know he is not cheating on me and I do get him sometimes. But it is so unfair to have to hold all the responsibilities.
I know, because I love him and we have 2 beautiful children, the good days are really good, and because if I left I would be more miserable not ever knowing how he is doing. At least I know he is not cheating on me and I do get him sometimes. But it is so unfair to have to hold all the responsibilities.
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