mayra

Thank You For Sharing.co-dependent Mon Of A Crack Addict.
He Manipulates Me Again And Again. I Do Not Stop Him...i Am Always Here For Him.
Help, Help

mha

hi everyone!!! My husband is Drug addict. we got married 2 years ago. the first fight we had was when I finally caught him in the act of shooting..I knew he had problems, he told me about it..but, he was recovering and not using when i met him, or maybe, he's just hiding it from me. It went on and on..He's older than me, about 12 years.. I love him so dearly, that I couldn't leave him, but sometimes something tells me why I am being stupid. He's told me over and over again, that, "this is the first day of our lives." meaning he will quit, not do anymore. I see him suffer thru withdrawals, i'v always been there for him, when he's going thru tough times, even if he curses, not to me, but it hurts when i hear it coz i've never was cursed nor, curse, at all. I will be patient.but then he drinks too much..he has liver problems, too, so that makes me upset..but i don't say anything anyway--i can't say anything to him that he would listen to...he never listens to me..but, then he'll slipped and he will tell me, "it's just one slip. I've had enough.." I've tried to be nice as possible, sometimes, don't even say something about it...but, he abuses my kindness, he does it all over again. he went thru a detox already, but then he is still using...and it's getting worst. I guess, he just can't admit the fact he is an addict and he says, he can quit just like that, if he really wants to..( That ddoesn't work, does it?)I cried so much every night, asking when will i ever get out of this situation...Nobody knows how i feel, even my friends, coz i 'm too ashamed to admit that people will judge me for that. my family has no idea either. so im stuck with myself, and about to blow my brains out---i told my husband, never keep a gun in the house if he doesn't wanna see brains scattered all over, (but, im a coward in terms of hurting myself physically--i won't do it anyway..i just say it bec im too hurt)coz, that's how i feel sometimes. When we get into a fight, he will make me feel i am the worst person ever, that i am not a help, and i push him deeper on his hole. I don't know what to do. everytime i get into a fight with him, i just go to my computer and look at it...but then, he'll ask me if i have somebody or if i am cheating...i am not---i don't type anything, just browse on some stuff that would get my mind off him and forget the fight..i can't stand his behavior anymore, but i can't leave him...i tried to but, i am afraid that i will suffer too. Sometimes, i think about asking my parents to accept me back, if i go home, forget all that happened and move on...but, I can't.the thought of it hurts me more...WHAT SHOULD I DO BETTER? HELP ME, PLEASE..You are the only one that knows how i feel. except my husband. I can't tell anybody, coz, i don't wanna get my husband fired from work--that will depress him and put him more into using, or maybe end his life--he knows he's failing..i don't wanna add up to that...i lov him to hurt him more...i guess, that's making me stupid...i don't want him to lose his friends and i don't want my friends to look at him differently than how they are now to him.

splendra

(((((mha)))))

Welcome to Sober Recovery!!!!
You do not have to hurt your AH to take care of yourself!!!! Chances are that others do know somethig is wrong with your H......Denial runs deep !!!!!

You probally would do good to get to some Alanon meetings or Naranon meetings....It is not good for you to stay in the dark.....((((((BIG HUGS))))))) Keep posting here too....

msmom

Dear ((((((mha))))))))))),
It is so sad to read your story. I'm sorry you are going through so much pain right now. Having dealt with 2 generations of addiction, I can relate to how you feell. The good news is that HOPE is always there....for US! Please go to a Naranon meeting...there should be one in your area...or Alanon if not. Your confidence and anonymity are important...and the people you will meet have those same concerns, too. I know you can't talk to family or most friends about this...but isolation is your worst enemy now.
I'm glad you found this site...please take care of yourself.
Love,
msmom
PS I'm re-posting this message from "Jon"...in case you haven't seen it yet.
~~~~~~~~~~~

What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________


Have A Great 24
-jon

msmom

((((mha)))))
I almost forgot to mention CoDA...I'm a national delegate, and we had a fabulous conference two weeks ago. THERE is where you'll get support for YOURSELF. I know there are CoDA meetings in your area. Go to coda.org and see the list of meetings. It has saved my sanity.

Wishing you peace,
msmom

mha

Thanks everyone. I really need this.

mayra

This is me to a maximun level. And I can not break the habit
Drama Queen, should be my nick name.
Thanks