Crissi

I just read your thread...it was so scary. My boyfriend is the mirror image of your story. It is so hard to believe that addiction can take over a life like this. I only wish that I could make him see how he is self-destructing, but, I can't and for some reason it is too hard for me to let go. What is even more terrifying is that an addiction can go on forever. He has been addicted to crack/cocaine for six years. And I stay thinking, it will someday end, when perhaps it may not. I can't control his behavior, but, how do we separate ourselves so we don't drown along with them ? I just don't know what to do. It is all just too insane.

serenity

New to this board. Haven't been able to get to the one NarAnon meeting close by. Hope this helps. My husband is my A. Has had a lot of sober time, but relapsed after 6 months 1 months ago. Thanks for being here!

Ann

Welcome Serenity

I hope you will start a new thread and tell us a little more about yourself. You may get lost at the bottom of this thread, and I know that there are many others here who can relate and would love to welcome you too.

Hugs
Ann

devastated

Morning Glory:

Just read your post and all I can say is "when did you meet my son?

It is a real eye-opener. More than that, it was an education!

Hugs, Devastated

Nebals

MG
thankyou so much for writing such a long and interesting story on addiction. It explained everything our family is going through with my son. He started blaming us for his A and we felt terrible even though we knew it wasnt true, we have been the best parents we could be. Please tell us what do we do now? I know Addicts have to hit rock bottom, when they are in the worst form of addiction do we just let them go? should we try to contact them, (just to say hello) its hard not knowing whats going on with them when you have'nt heard for months? thankyou so much for your words of wisdom Nebals

HisGrace

I've told my boyfriend/A that I can no longer live with him and me and our son deserves better. I listened to his former pleas to stay and see him change only to be disappointed and blamed for not scarificing or giving enough to make things better. I've sat there and heard him using in the other room as I held me son crying to God to get me out of this situation. This past saturday, I watched him take apart my son's VCR and then begin to crawl around the house looking for 'something' I just broke then. I managed to stay there through the night although I did not sleep. I made up my mind to leave then. I went to church and got confirmation that I needed to release this relationship and situation over to Him. I came back, packed up some stuff and left with my son. He was cursing me out, yelling saying all kinds of stuff as I left but I did not go back. Now he has been calling me all night, emailing me all day and just begging me to give him one last chance to make things right. He calls me cold and unfeeling because I refuse to go back to living with him when I shouldn't have in the first place during his addiction. I refuse to go back to being mental attacked every time he 'sees something' or 'hears something'...I refuse to drown myself in his addiction and bring my baby boy along for the ride. He says that he will just stop using and stay away from everything that deals with it, but how many times have I heard that after I begged, cried and pleaded with him to stop only to be devastated and disappointed. i tried to tell him that we need to get ourselves together apart from living together but he said that I am abandoning him like everyone else and not giving him a chance to prove himself...but I have...against my better judgement over and over again.... I want some peace and stability....he says he can do that if I come back there.....I don't believe it...

I just had to tell someone how I was feeling...thanks for listening...

blownaway

Hello fellow sufferers,

It’s indeed a relief to see other people sharing the same experiences as we do. The initial article in this threat is such an accurate description of my situation as well. What blows me away most of all is the fact that I didn’t know my husband of 13 years is a crack-cocaine addict. How could I not know it?! All this time I have been thinking he has some kind of mental problem or emotional disorder, but I didn’t know he smoked crack. He has always had a bizarre and troubling behavior (needless to mention as the initial article describes them so well). But I never noticed him high on anything. I did notice the strange diarrheas (spending so much time in the bathroom), the daily headaches, the constant nose blowing. Yet I had no idea crack cocaine was the cause of all of this. And that’s what shocks me the most. Have I detach from him so much I didn’t want to look into his eyes?! and so I missed seeing his dilated pupils? In my heart I have been divorced from him a long time ago. I have been so deeply hurt, I chose not to love him any more and I went to mind my own life, got hooked into computers where I have been spending the last five years of my life. I stopped cleaning my house seven years ago. Quit cooking for him about 8 years ago. Haven’t done his laundry in 11 years. He was just there. Someone I slept with some times and got some house chores help every now and then. I totally disconnected from him because it just hurt too much to connect with him. There has been not much to talk about any way. At least nothing that I’m interested in listening him to say.

I initiated the divorce in the beginning of this year because of his reckless behavior, unexplainable spending, lies, etc., etc., etc. But I didn’t find out until just a month ago that his behavior is because of crack cocaine use. He made the mistake not to pay his dealer, and the guy came after me to tell me all about my husband. That’s how I found out, which made all the sense in the world. Now I finally understand the lies, the deceitfulness, the lack of regard for our finances and well being. He’s not crazy. He’s an addict! How could I not know??!! The dealer also told me about all the prostitutes my husband has been with. And that was a real killer. I tried to keep my cool and not cry as he spilled all the beans on the table for me. But the moment he left I could no longer hold it. Have been crying ever since. God, I hate him!

He sure made my divorce case stronger than ever. I’m seeking full/sole custody of our children and I wish him to be killed by his drugs. I’m full of rage, resentment, sense of unfairness and loneliness. I didn’t expect to marry Mr. wonderful. But I surely didn’t know I had married an addict, and that was not part of my plans and wishes for my kids! I’m so ashamed that I gave my kids an addict as a father. By the way, I don’t buy his love story for his kids. If he truly, truly loved them, he would not do drugs, or would try hard enough to actually stop. A man’s will is stronger than any drugs. I don’t buy this BS love claim and I think it’s nothing but a skirt for him to hide under and a plot to manipulate mom’s heart to make her feel so bad to break the “love bond” between dad-and-child(ren) and consequently he can remain around. Again, if he truly, with all his heart, loved his children, he would choose them/us over the addiction. What he truly loves is his drug. Well, he can have it! We want no part of it.

My heart goes out to all of us here. In the midst of this pain, we can still find some comfort in its sharing. And that makes it more bearable.

Blownaway

secondtimer

I am inches away from leaving my spouse (crack addiction). Until I read the above post, I thought I was the "harpie" and I just did not understand this addict. Until I read the post I was having trouble finding ourselves on the addiction yardstick now I know, we are at the end. The corrosivness and toxicity of this addiction has worn through the fabric of a very strong relationship. My spouse is at the "I'm the victim stage, no one understands me"and until I read the thread he is right, but it does not absolve him of the damage he has done. I justified and listened to him say why I let me daughter get a hold of him when my mother died and I needed him. His excuse is that I did let him know that she was going to die that night, my shame listening to that and condoning it. I justified him "doing "because his step son, my son died and it hurt him, he told me that I did not understand my son the way he did. Again I condoned this toxic behaviour from him. From the post I understand the sickness and behavior more, but also am sickened at myself for allowing this to happen to me a second time and for wanting in my heart of hearts to have the love and bonding that was once there. Alll I see now around the corner is another death, he has just decided that he will give the perverted pleasure of watching him die, like I had to watch my son and my mother die. This is the bitter corrosive part of the last part of an addiction. My shame thinking I coud handle this with enough love and support instead of getting to Nar-Anon right away with this started......This is the power of love and the power of pain....
I wish I had found this site years ago, maybe I would have been able to make quicker decisions, it is hard to say as I lost 3/4 of my family inside 2 years. The hardest part in my life now is that the huge whole in my heart does not get filled with bitterness, because that is not who I am. As a friend once told me "It is hard not bring out the need to beat oneself up, because that fruit can be so delicious". Today my A has been up for 48 hours and will be doing for another 2 days and I feel the need for some reason to bring out that "delicious fruit of beating oneself into the ground" now that I have done it, I will put it back on the shelf for another day not so soon.

JessieRn

I am so relieved to find that I am not crazy! I just had a 2 hour discussion with my A. I have been thrown into a very deep and life threatening depression because of the severity of the effect of addiction on a relationship. My A can not understand my feelings of betrayal, mis-trust, or the scars that have been embedded in my heart due to his use. He has been sober for 7 days. He does not understand why I am so hurt. He does do wonderful things for my kids and me BUT it does not change the fact that he was using. The statement the addict does love the drug more than his significant other/family is SO true but so incredibly sad. My A and I have been on a downward spiral for quite some time and on the verge of possible divorce. :cries2:
He believes that since he has made a valiant effort now for 7 days that I should be estatic. He believes that I should forget the past and just be happy. Easier said than done. I wonder how he would feel if he were in my shoes? I pray that he will stay sober. I say the serenity prayer to myself all the time to make it through the day. There are many issues that surround our relationship, addiction being the first. What he doesn't seem to understand though is while it is great that he is making an effort to change he has to sever ties with those who are associated with his use. Unfortunately, one of the main people in that category is his father. Having grown up without his father because the man left him when he was just a wee baby, my A has that "little boy" in him that needs a Dad. I just wish he would have picked a father figure instead of his biological father. His father is an addict and needless to say a pathological liar, a thief, and does not have a job. Enough about him....
What I really wanted to say was thank-you for that informative insight on addiction. It was really what I needed to read. My A has always maintained that he is doing it to himself and it has nothing to do with me. Unfortunately, my dreams have been doused and I don't know how to get them back. I have so much anger and resentment I wonder if we can ever get back what we had. He was my hero at one time and I worshipped him. Now I loathe him!
God bless you all...I plan on spending plenty of time on this sight for the help I need to change ME!
Thanks again Morning Glory

stardustx

This is one of the most powerful readings I have ever encountered since beginning my 'education' on drug addiction. I gave it to my A to read over the weekend, asked him if he read it and he said, "It's too long." This is the guy that goes through the average book in three days and is an avid reader! It just confirmed my belief that he's not ready to do anything about his addiction. However, I do notice that it is still in his truck. Also, this was really good reading for me, let me know exactly where I fit in his life.

bkr

I'm new to this site and have posted one other thread explaining my situation. I was advised to go back and read some of the other threads so I did.
This thread was-first- very informative- thank you.
Second- it scared the life out of me.
My boyfriend has relapsed twice in one month- he has never used around me- nor have I ever been with him when he is high. That, I'm sure is a blessing. But it doesn't take away from the fact that I know what a detrimental effect his addiction has on his life and others.
Reading the story on this thread scares me because, even though he is doing better now than he has ever done- I'm afraid it will only get worse. It seems to me that it's going too good or that he realized his wrong too quickly and it's only a matter of time before his addiction becomes so much more real to me and more dangerous and frequent. I haven't had to experience the things in this thread yet- and I say 'yet' because this story almost makes me feel like the worst is yet to come regardless of his present state of effort and sobriety.
I will say I don't know a lot about this, drugs and addiction, not much at all. I only know about my boyfriend who I love dearly, and his addiction. And how it effects us. It is hard to explain, and understand.
Everyone here seems to face their significant others' addiction physically, on a daily basis- as a result of co-habitation or otherwise. I don't live with my boyfriend, and he has never physically exposed me to his addiction. But, in the same breath I say, that that does not mean that I am less affected by it. Almost more so because of the mystery and deceit and fear of the unknown. I have never seen him high or seen him use his drugs, I have had to talk to him when he was high and I know how he acts when he's coming off.
I guess I say all of this to say that, I may misunderstand this thread- or I may be dangerously naive.
I know every situation here is different- but I feel like everyone else has a better understanding than I do because they have actually had to face therir addicts and their addicts addiction.
Please help me understand this story- can I be hopeful of the present good. That my boyfriend is doing well-or do I expect more of the worse? The rest of the story- the downward spiral and complete break down of my boyfriend to his addiction. I'm very confused by this. I just want to believe the good and keep supporting him. I don't want to become cynical and bitter- But I can't let him destroy me too- I don't want to be made more a fool of. Please help!

confused2bme

Words can't decsribe how I felt reading this. Just last evening we have told our son that we are no longer in the "giving" mode. He has alot of work ahead of him but I can no longer take the lying, worrying and heartache over things I have no control of. Thanks for the words to better understand this horrible disease and the confirmation of actions I am in the process of. This will be passed along to him as a measure of hope.
Addicts are not bad people just people who have made bad decisions.

FireSnake

Thanks for posting this, some of the psychology surrounding addiction is extremely interesting. I found this site last night, after I found out my boyfriend used (again). I really appreciate the article, I sent it to him and hope he'll read it and gain something valuable from it. ~Silv

Irishrock

Morning Glory,
Thanks for this post. I was lost and did not know or understand what is going on with my friend. Its a long story, but after reading your post I under so much better what is going on in her life now. I see that you have 1000s of posts, I cant wait to read them

Again Thanks Morning Glory.

cloudy

YEP - Emotional and Social withdrawal. I have quit talking to people, because I can't fake like everything's fine, but I don't necessarily feel like exposing my A to possibly more negative scrutiny right now. And the "attack the attacker" is very real right now. Not physically but verbally and I won't be getting in a car with him anytime soon either due to "mad driving" which could end up physical.

gone

Maybe this is just wishful or hopeful thinking, but when I talk to addicts and read NA literature, it sounds like for a lot of addicts they aren't so much in love with the drug as enslaved by it; miserable, filled with self-loathing, lonely, suicidal. At some point they were in love with it, but that is a short-lived part of their addiction. Once they realize that they need to take drugs and it becomes their existence, even though they know it is killing them, it sounds like living in Hell to me.

Kristal

I really relate and appreciate this post. My boyfriend of 5 years is in active addiction and it scares the hell out of me. There is no promises that tomorrow will be okay. I am also almost 6 months pregnant with our first child which makes things that much more difficult. Three weeks ago I made a very hard decision, and that was to walk away. We still talk everyday, and I love him so much it hurts. He has tried everything from geographical cures, to re-hab centres, NA meetings etc, I have supported him all of the way. With our unborn son already being predisposed genetically to addiction I feel it would not be appropriate to raise him in that type of environment. I thank God everyday that I have the strength to do what I am doing, it sure isn't easy. In fact, I think this is harder on me than him, although he wouldn't understand that. Thanks for listening.

historyteach

Morning Glory;
Thank you for such a powerful post. You stated that you cried when you read it too. Where did you get this reading? I would love to have it on hand.
I too have a heroin addicted son. He was clean for almost one year, and relapsed. I saw the behavior become manifest. They call it a dry drunk when it is with alcoholics; I do not know what the term is for heroin addicts. However, he was irrational and enraged just prior to his relapse.
I went through all of the above mentioned illnesses too. I spent time in a hospital, due to severe depression. I honestly wanted to die, and made plans to do so. I was so lucky that I had a doc who was awesome! That was years ago, and I am doing much better now. Sure wish I had known of this place prior to desending into the debths of hell!
Thanks again, and please let me know where you got this reading, ok?
Shalom to all!

Morning Glory

Hello historyteach,

Welcome to the forum.

Here is the link to the web site.

http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/A..._Lies_Rel.html

herodotus

Blownaway, while I sympathize with your plight, one thing I realized early in dealing with my 'A' was that to be addicted on that level is to lose the ability to make any kind of rational choice or healthy emotional decision. While this does not excuse the pain and suffering he's inflicted on you and your children, it doesn't neccessarily mean that he doesn't love them.

I know that my g/f loves me, and I've hauled her out of a bar crying shaking and screaming because her NEED for junk was so bad, and she was supposed to meet her dealer there. She only would have told me that if she really wanted to walk away, but just couldn't do it by herself. Within 6 hours the jones had passed and she turned to me and said 'Thank you, you did the right thing.'

While it sounds like you situation is very different, the point remains that your husband is very sick, and while he no doubt loves his kids, he shouldn't be a part of their lives until he can get well.