msmom

You ARE understanding quite a bit, Vanilla. Keep working on it. You've come to a perfect place, finding this site.
Thank you, Ann, for your post. Although I've been a member of CoDA for several years, I always go back to step studies. My son, who is the addict, completed his 2nd rehab, and is now on his own. It has really been a test of my program to let go and let God....to worry less about him, and concentrate more on my own recovery.

Glad to be back. Love to all.
msm

Just a kitten

I have only begun the process of letting go. I see that I really can't do anything to help my moms addiction. It is still hard to except a lot of the time. I know now that all I can do is be myself and take care of myself. I know I need that for myself. It is the healthiest thing you can do in situations like these. You have to make youself happy before you can make others happy. And they will only be happy if they decide to make themselfves happy.
-Jak

VanillaSugar21

Thank you MSM! That gives me hope... I have read the 12 steps over and over again and can't understand them. My learning disorder causes problems sometimes but I've learned a lot on my own. It's been very hard to "walk away" from a few friends and my brother. It hurt me to have let them go... but so far I have. My brother is in jail and after he sent me a letter calling me everything in the book... I got very upset but I took a bunch of letters my brother wrote me to one of my therapy sessions and my therapist said that I can't divorce my brother and that's not him talking it's the addict and then I sat there and looked back to my teenage years when my brother first started drugs and notice a lot of stuff. After that letter and learning about the triangle I sat down with my mom and therapist and talked about it and decided it's be best for me to not write him. That way I'm not any of the points in the triangle. Since I have let him go and 2 of my friends my life is a lot less stressfull and everyday I learn a lot more about me and how much I've changed. Things that my addicts would have said before would cause me to go into panic attacks and now I won't let them. I know when I did the right thing and I don't let them blame me for their f**k ups. I haven't had a panic attack in a while. I feel a lot better about myself and how well I deal with things and my therapist and I are now working on stuff for when my brother gets out of jail. I can put strong boundaries up now but he might break them down when he gets out so I need to work on that my brother has walked all over me most my life... not anymore! I won't let him. I won't let him through me into panic attacks or anything. I am confident that by the time he gets out I will be able to handle it. Ok I think I went off subject somewhere in there but I dunno.

Just a kitten

I am so glad for you. You do not deserve to be stepped on.

granolaprincess

Thank you Ann, for the wonderful posting. It was like a weight was being lifted off of my chest as I was reading it and I realized that I wasn't alone and that it was okay to let go. I was doing well with that until last year and then I fell backwards right back into my codie behavior. Detachment is my biggest issue -- with love, relationships and control. I have never been a control freak, but I work it from the angle of giving people info assuming they'll make the right decision, and then I keep shoving the info down their throat. It's almost like I'm trying to make right by what I couldn't fix in my mom, and that's where I'm trying to let go right now. It's not as bad as it was a month ago, but it's still bad and hard, and a lot of work! I'd forgotten how much work it was to just let others make their own decisions and travel their own path. It's a great feeling, but so hard!

Hopefully this will get easier again. It happened once, I have faith that it can happen again.

Ann

Princess,

I know what you mean, this was very difficult for me too, but not half as much work as it was when I tried to run the world every day, LOL. I have turned that job back to the Creator, and no longer feel like Atlas.

I am glad you enjoyed the thread. I have been pretty busy this summer, but have a few ideas that I will bring here soon so we can get the discussions flowing again.

Hugs
Ann

Just a kitten

I have been to this thread many times. It has gotten so large that I have really just skipped a lot of it and said I would go back. I just read up to post #56 from Ann. I am soooooooo inspitered everyones strength here and I connect so much with what is happening with everyone here. I did the homework for Step 2. It's a little late, do I loose points? :doh:
So I came up with my three... two of them were me trying to takeing control over my ex boyfriends; trying to fix there personalities. Ummm...... that didn't work out so well. That may be why they are my ex boyfriends. :P
And the third would be trying to get my sister off the adcins diet. That diet is so terrible. It's too harsh for her.... oh, I could go on and on. That was just this morning I was trying to take power over the situation...
It wasn't working. She decided that I was being stupid and didn't know what I was talking about. Then I argued with her even more.
Then I actually thought about what I was doing at that point. I was trying to change my sisters mind while I was at the point she was not going to listen. I tried to make her listen...nothing.
So finally, I saw I could do nothing. I was powerless.
I said, "ok, do what you think is best for you and I will do what I think is best for me."
I felt much better about letting go then arguing and getting even more angry."
Of course, there is also me trying to take power over my moms relationship with her Crystal Meth. Well, that is her decition, not mine. Now, Crystal is obviously worse than the Adkins Diet, but the point is I have tried to control both situations, and nothing came out of it. Only frustration.
Leting go has brought on so much more peace. I feel so good that I could let go of these problems that are not mine. They are problems that belong to others. Nature will take it's course, and I feel completely confortable letting Nature/God take it's course. Nature has taken it's course for the entirety of it's own existance, that is how we are here now. Nature has a system, God has a plan, however you want to put it, there is a reason behind everything and I trust the universe I am in to take the problems I can't handle and do with it what it will.
After I took a good look at the fact that I really am powerless, I went outside and saw the thundery night sky and a healthy olive tree by me side. I told the tree, 'Thank you for being you.' I told it that I was thankful for it being a part of nature and that I trusted it. I thanked the sky for being the sky. I thanked the earth for being the earth. It all connects and it is all a system. I thanked the good for being good for being good. I thanked the bad for being bad so that we may learn what it good. I thanked everything for having so much to be thankful for. And I thanked it for the power it had to take care of problems that I could not. I thanked it for letting me have the wisdom of what I can and can't do. And I thanked me for being me.
-Jak

Just a kitten

Wow! I just read this entire thread and there is so much great information. I feel like, I have already stepped into step 3. It actually came quite fuently for me with step two. In fact, I actually thought that step 3 was part of step, two. Anyway, Now I am at four and this is going to be quite a diffictult one.... but I will be working on it.
Hugs for everybody
-jak

Ann

Just a Kitten

You have inspired ME with your post. Combining God with the universe and with nature just seems so natural. And it made me think again about being powerless and God's plan.

For example (your storm brought this to mind)...I had a lot of company this summer on weekends, and I really hoped for good weather each time they came because I live on the beach and it's much nicer here in the sunshine. I can't control the weather, I am powerless over the weather, and if I was not willing to let go of the weather, I would be unhappy when it rained.

Now, the thing is, when it rains and I have visitors, we still have a wonderful time and a good visit. And this time of year I just love fresh tomatoes and fresh corn, and without the rain I would have neither.

So admitting I am powerless and letting go of the weather makes me happier and free to be grateful for what even the rain can bring. It is trusting God's/Nature's plan that everything is exactly as it is supposed to be right now and that even when I cannot see it, it is all good. (Step 1). And it allows me to be free to believe that God/Nature can and will do what is necessary to keep me healthy and sane even if I don't understand what they are doing (Step 2)....and that knowledge lets me be willing to turn my life and my will over to God/Nature asking that their will be done, not mine, because they know what they are doing and I often don't. They can see what I cannot (tomorrow) and I can ask them to guide me to do their will so that I don't get in the way of "the plan".

See how it flows? See how it makes sense when we apply it to something we are not so emotional about?

Thank you Kitten, for allowing me to see this clearly and simply, without complications.

Maybe that is how we can start the next part of this journey. Let those who are ready share how these 3 steps fit together for them in a simpler way, in a way that is not so personal and complicated but just by offering simple examples like Kitten did of how this works for you.

Hugs
Ann

Just a kitten

Thank you Ann. I am very glad that it was inspiring. That came to me as a surprise... I have seen so many inspiring messages here that really clearifies what is happening with a lot of us. The messages here hit deep and bring out what needs to be seen. I have built so much strength here thanks to all who share and support.
And I deffinatly see how it flows; it's wonderful.
My progress on the fourth hasn't gone very far, but I am thinking about thinking about it
I am interested in seeing more stories from others as well... Even the little things really help. Remember grandmas saying: Practice makes perfect.
-Jak

Ann25

I got alot out of reading this thread. Im just understanding the whole co-dependency issue and realizing alot about myself through all of your posts. I wish I came sooner!
Princess`s post on detatchment hit home-"Id forgotten how much work it was to just let others make their own dicisions and travel their own path". Im having a hard time with that one. Even though I understand that people have to do what is right for them-their lives--It isnt easy. Letting go is always hard. But I pray for the strength and understanding and turn it over. What will be will be. I have no control over anyone else-just myself-my actions and my reactions.

mooselips

Just checking in, to let you know
that I'm still here,
and still working on step 4.

It's a tough one.
But, it's a work
in progress.

hugs......

iamunique

Hi all good folks, A friend of mine just reminded me yesterday- that the 'Steps' are the meat and potatoes of NarAnon. So low and behold I got up this morning and I read my daily Meditation-"The language of letting Go" by Melodie Beattie and what do you suppose the daily topic was?>>>>Step 4. Now I thought I had done a thorough Step 4 but (after reading todays meditation) hahahaha I was wrong. Here is todays meditation:
OUR GOOD POINTS
What's a Codependant? The answers easy. They're some of the most loving, caring people I know.
We don't need to limit ourselves to the negatives. Focusing only on what's wrong is a core issue in our codependency,
Honestly, fearlessly, ask: "What's right withe me? What are my good points?"
"Am I a oving, caring, nuturing person?" We may have neglected to love ourselves in the process of caring for others, but nuturing is an asset.
" is there something I do particularly well?" Do I have a strong faith" "Am I good at being there for others?" "Am I good as part of a team or as a leader?" "Do I have a way with words or with emotions?"
"Do I have a sense of humor?" "Do I brighten people up?" "Am i good at comforting others?' "do I have the ability to make something good out of nothing at all?" "Do I see the best in people?"
Thes are character assests. We may have gone to an extreme with these, but that's okay. We are now on our way to finding balance.
Recovery is not about eliminating our personality. Recovery aims at changing, accepting, working around, or transfrming our negatives, and building our positives. We all have assets; we only need to focus on them, empower them, and draw them out in ourselves.
Codependants are some of the most loving, caring people around. Now, we're learning to give some of that concern and nuturing to ourselves.
Today, I will focus on what's right about me. I will give myself some of the caring I've extended to the world.


((((Ann))) Yoo hoo! ((((Ann)))) Has anyone seen the teacher?

God is Good, All the time!

Ann

I'm glad that helped you, Iamunique. Melody Beattie has a great book called "Twelve Steps for Codependents" and it is also a work book that helps in working each step.

Like you, my Step 4's tend to focus on my defects of character, and kind as you are, I DO have many. This is something I need to return to often. As I find new resentments forming, or find myself allowing myself to return to the darkness, a good Step 4 can often bring me around. I often forget to do the "good me" side of this step, I guess partly because I often overlook my good side, and also because I don't struggle with it as much as I do my defects. The good side is easy, it's the other stuff that jeopardizes my serenity.

I'm waiting for Moose to report in. She's been working on her Step 4 forever, LOL, and I'm sure that she must be almost done by now. MOOOOSIEE??

Hugs
Ann

iamunique

((((Ann)))) there you are!, Thanks, I'll have to look for that workbook. I still have many character defects and when they start cropping up I have to do mini 4th steps.
As far as Moose takin' so much time with her 4th step, Well some are sicker than others! (just kidding Moose)
Does anyone know how to do a Moose call?

angloarabian

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.

Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
most definitely

How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?

By realizing that my interests and way of life are not the same as my neighbors, friends and family members

Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?

I have accepted the fact that I can not change another and that a disease needs treatment and the afflicted person is the only one who can take charge of their treatment.

How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
I pushed them away

What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met? Take care of them myself. Ask for help and accept when the person I ask is incapable of helping

How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond? Just accept today and get on with my life, realizing that the only way I can help an addict today is by showing my recovery.

What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else? I now have time for myself and my interests

How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?Follow a list of what I need to do for myself.

Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?

In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people? Illness, my 47 yr old son now has cancer and needs surgery and has no medical insurance. I amn torn about going into further debt to be with him as he lives in another state.

In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior? I show cats so I have a social life where I don't have to talk about my dysfunctional family.

What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed? I know that I am safe when with others affected by a loved ones addiction. I am not judged because I am living life while the addict is suffering.

Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples. My husband doesn't want me to spend more money to try to help my loved ones.

How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
When I am consumed with trying to help the addict and my home, banking, recovery, husband, pets are neglected.

How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
All the time

Do I say “yes� when I want to say “no�? Yes. What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this? I am out of control.

Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself? I use to.
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems?
Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis? Now I just want to run away.

How well do I take care of myself? My food is out of control today

How do I feel when I am alone? Finding I enjoy being alone...Interdependent.

What is the difference between pity and love?
?

Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? Yes. Takes the focus off myself and my needs.

How have I tried to fix them? Don't try anymore unless they ask for help then give them address of meeting/

Do I trust my own feelings? I check them out by going to my thought process. If the thought is negative, the feelings usually are. I change the thought and the feelings usually change.

Do I know what they are? Usually when I take the time to get centered .

angloarabian

Hi All,
I am new to this group and just playing catchup with the steps.
Step 2.

I am so grateful for this step because in my crazy co-dependency I was most certainly insane. As a matterof fact I was in two Psychiatric hospitals to prove it all due to my co-dependency.

Therefore, while my behaviors to my family hurt me so much today, I am free of guilt knowing that as in a court case, I am not guilty by reason of insanity.

Working the next 8 steps will help me to keep the focus on my higher power and what he would have me do to handle any guilt feelings from the past and live a joyful life living in the moment, one day at a time.

Step 3

I am definitely ready and willing to turn my life and my will over to God as I understand him.

mooselips

Okay, okay okay! Turn off the moose call already,
you're waking up the neighborhood!


Okay, the way I've been working on this is making a list.
I've written down a few (yeah, right) of my character defects.

The one that bothers me the absolute most is :ENVY.
I am envious of parents with non-addicted kids.
I have tried to turn this over to my H.P.
It works sometimes, or until
a mother at work says her son is
a secret servive guy for the President.

But, it's a work in progress.

What I am doing, (as to not
beat myself up) is for every character flaw,
I try to come up with a character asset.

So, I may be envious at times,
but I also am a honest person.

Okay, that's what I'm up to.
How's everyone else doing?

hugs to all...
keep up the good work!

iamunique

(((MOOOOOSE))) Oh there you are! Nice to see you. Hey thanks for sharing about the envy defect. That too is one of my biggest defects of character. I have to work on it alot. I am surrounded by "functioning earth people" whose children are always doing something positive with their lives(imagine that!) I am learning to be happy for them instead of trying to find that one thing that makes them imperfect(know what I mean?). I've been also trying to focus on the positive qualities (there really are some!) about me and my 3 A's. These steps have really taught me alot about myself. I have also learned how much of an enabler and control freak I was when I thought I was only trying to help. really I was trying to help but was constantly frustrated when none of my A's would take MY suggestions. I have learned that I am powerless over them and all they say and do. There is power in being powerless. A freedom knowing that STEP 1 : I can't Step 2 : God can Step 3: I'm gonna let him
Thanks Anglo for sharing too. The more people here the better!
(((Ann))) just wanted to say Hi and Thanks to you too!
Hugs Iamunique

angloarabian

Morning all,
Step four.

Defects

Big People Pleaser which causes all the many other defects I have which are all of them I think. I am going to go to my workbook and write, write, write.
Have a great day all
Hugs, Joyce