Ann

SWC, something that helped me was to pick one person or thing, and just focus on my Step 1 as it related to them. Like you, I tend to be codie in all my relationships, and later as I moved through this program I was able to apply the concept of being "Powerless" over everyone.

I posted this on the old board, but it's time for a reminder. Something simple that helped me was the Serenity Prayer...

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change....everyone else.

The courage to change the things I can....ME

And the wisdom to know the difference....If it isn't wearing my nametag then it's not me.

This prayer helped me identify what was about me and my actions, and it also let me put it to prayer, asking God to help me distinguish what was mine and what was not.

That's an uncomplicated place to start. Just practive that all by itself for several days and see if it doesn't become clearer.

Hugs
Ann

boryad

Thank you (((((Ann)))) and again, thank you everyone, for your replies and suggestions. I'm such a freakin' perfectionist (obssessive/compulsive, anal retentive...pick my poison), I want to do it all now, "get it" all now. I know MY sickness is co-dependency. It wasn't until I hung around Al-Anon for a few months and just started stepping into the world of Nar-Anon that I realized the right fellowship for me is CoDA. I've been trying to learn all I can about my A's illness and how to support him. Through this "learning", I'm seeing that I'm supposed to take care of ME and as I've stated several times before, I never felt I belonged w/the "Anoners" (can I use that word?) as my issues are rooted elsewhere than my A and at this point, he's the least of my troubles.

I talked w/my counselor last night and up until now, I wasn't sure how supportive she'd be of me attending meetings, Step Study, etc. and then I started thinking that I'd have to find someone new if she couldn't be supportive of me. She thinks the meetings are a good idea (duh!) but perhaps not the Step Study...she says I'm "not ready" yet. I went to the Step Study two nights ago, but did not stay for the meeting. Next week, I'm staying for the meeting.j

Ann, thank you for your suggestion of focusing Step 1 on just one relationship/person. Of course it makes total sense, just trying to figure out "which person", but I suppose the one that gives me the most trouble is a good place to start. Also, thank you for the "extended version" of the Serenity Prayer. It's printed out, posted for the kick in the butt I always seem to need (you don't have any steel-toed bunny slippers, do you?).

My CoDA book should be arriving today...ready to try and take that dive, again.

(((((((((((EVERYONE!!!!))))))))

Ann

I don't remember now who it was that PM'd me about how to get the CoDA Big Book which is simply called "Codependent Anonymous" but I realize now that it is available right here at the SoberRecovery Store (and a portion of the price comes back to us to support this site).

Partly because of this step-study and partly because I need to do the steps over and over anyway, I have recently been seriously working my 1, 2 and 3 Steps. It's amazing that as I work these steps, each time in a different place in my recovery, they take on new meaning. Don't let that confuse you because they don't change, but each time I work them I learn something new about myself and connect even more stongly with my Higher Power.

This time around, I can see clearly things that I need to let go, still even after all these years in program. I am a very compassionate person who feels the pain of others, sometimes to the point of taking the pain to myself. For example, a friend of mine has a father who is not doing well after a heart by-pass and for whom I am praying. I caught myself feeling the anxiety and pain that my friend was experiencing and gave that some thought.

What I realized is that I have lost many people that I cared about over the years, some old and some not so old, and that in most cases I dealt with it only with fear and grief. It was a big painful experience, and then I parked it somewhere and got on with my life. It is only now that I can re-visit the wonderful loving relationship that I had with my mother, who died, at 90, several years ago. It was her time and she died peacefully and happy, but at the time it was too painful to remember all the wonderful things we shared in life and how very wise and strong and sweet she was.

So part of my "powerless" thinking today is that I am even powerless over life and death of those I love. I cannot make them well, nor can I bring them back, but I can be grateful that their spirit lives on forever in me. And that brings a whole new peace to something that was always tragic and sad to me. My belief that they rest with God helps me release the desire to bring them back...and that I am powerless to do that anyway.

So this program is something that we can apply to all areas of our lives. It is a program that gives us courage, strength, understanding, compassion and wisdom.

I just thought that sharing that might help you understand that we aren't studying for an exam here, that there is no "perfect" way to work this program and that we work it in the way we need to at the time we do it.

Pretty soon, I think we'll speak more about Step 2 again, and how we can come to believe that a power greater than ourselves can and will restore us to sanity and peace.

Hugs
Ann

boryad

Once again (((((Ann)))), thank you for your continued replies. I AM a sponge (albeit a forgetful one), I want to soak up all the knowledge and experience that I can.

I didn't even know a Co-Dependents Anonymous book existed until I went to the Step Study the other night and there was an extra copy loaned to me. I was asked if I wanted to purchase one and right away I said, "nope". I knew I wanted to check the SoberRecovery Store first. I've bought probably 8 books from there (only 2 were for me) and not once did I recall seeing the CoDA "big book" but lo and behold, there it was! It arrived yesterday but I've yet to open it. The Codie part of me has to tell everyone to go away and give me some "me" time so I can begin the absorption of all that is important to me.

I hope everyone continues to post what works for them. At this stage, I will start reading my CoDA book, I've printed out all of the Steps 1-3 "discussions" and Q's to ponder.

Oh (shameless plug here)..."shop SoberRecovery Store for all of your revcovery needs!" LOL

Seriously, when someone recommends some reading, I go there first. My A requested a book for him and his case manager and told me how much it would be on Amazon.com. WRONG!!! Had to look for it at SR first and found it! I want to support the site that supports me.

mooselips

Hi all,....
I was also feeling discombobulated. Unsure of where to start. When I first came to SR, my lifeline was nar-anon. Because of my As's. (hmm, that looks funny.)
But..being of the inquisitive type, I wanted to know WHY I am a codependent! Where did it come from?
So, low and behold I started exploring SR areas, and found Adult children of Alcoholics. Mind you, 10 years ago, I attended al-anon for 5 years and no one ever brought up THIS topic of ACOA. Therefore I never knew it existed.

So, the short story is, I am starting with exploration of my childhood years,and it is beginning to fall into place. Not that it matters where it started, but, heaven knows I'm kind of like the Enquirer magazine.....

I became overwhelmed when I started looking at myself. Where to start was my issue. What meetings do I attend? Coda? ACOA? Nar-anon? See what I mean?

So, I'm exploring ACOA at this point.....and stepping.....I think.....

boryad

Hiya Moose! So glad I wasn't the only "lost" one around here. I think most of us here are "lost" but it seemed everyone knew where to go...whether they're the addicts themselves (AA or NA) or have a relationship w/an addict (Al-Anon or Nar-Anon). While my A suggested I get involved w/Al-Anon and I did see some things that would help me not only w/him but ideas I could apply to my other relationships, I felt like I didn't "belong" in either Al-Anon or Nar-Anon as my A is the least of my troubles. I was so focused on studying Al-Anon and Alcoholism, I didn't surf around to the other forums here in SR until a couple of weeks ago. I feel very blessed to find more co-dependency issues, ideas and advice revealed in the Nar-Anon forum. I knew CoDA existed but here, it seems kind-of "hidden". Once I found CoDA related (not necessarily Alcohol or Drug-related) info, I knew I was "home".

Hangin' In

So SWC, you are saying that the CODA issues are 'hidden' on the Nar Anon board? I know there are lots of references to issues of co-dependency on the Nar Anon board for I read it reguarly, but I was just wondering if you were referring to any other site on this board that would address CODA issues.

mooselips

Hi SWC,
Yep, you kind of lost me too. I KNOW I belong in Nar-anon, related to my sons being addicts. And I also know I'm a codependent....what I was saying I was trying to dig deeper into myself to find the birth of my codependency.
I feel the perfect fit for meetings for me personally, would be a coda meeting, but, alas, none are in my area. So, I attend al-anon....which assists me in dealing with my behavior.

But then again, I know how confused I'VE been lately.....LOL

Hangin' In

Moose,

No coda meetings in my area, also, so I, too, attend Al Anon and am grateful for every meeting I've been too. I've often told my nonaddicted daughter (but who is co-dependent as they come) that Al Anon is nothing but co-dependency counseling, if you know what I mean. I wish we had coda around here. I wish my daughter had coda around her for she'd be more likely to go, I think. She needs it badly and I wish she'd attend Al Anon in her area. Couldn't hurt.

Hangin' In

boryad

Sorry for the confusion. When I was first looking for recovery, I was focused on Al-Anon. While the Al-Anon principles could be applied to my co-dependency, the majority of my feelings and personal issues were not and are not related to my A. When I attended Al-Anon meetings, I went in with a very open mind. I only felt I didn't belong because while there is an A in my life, I haven't been affected by him as most others have by their A's. Therefore, most of the Al-Anon meetings were relative to issues that the memebers had w/their A's. It's not that I couldn't relate, in fact, I absorbed as much as I could...you know..."just in case", it's just that I was having trouble focusing on my issues as a co-dependent several times over, not just in relation to my A.

I found it more helpful to be here, on the Nar-Anon board, where co-dependency seems to be discussed "in general", no matter the reason for the co-dependence. Just as I was searching for a new Al-Anon meeting, or perhaps try a Nar-Anon meeting, I found a CoDA Step Study and meeting in my area. I went to my 2nd Step Study and 1st Meeting last night and am so blessed to have found this meeting.

boryad

Gosh, this thread has been kinda dormant, I sure hope I didn't turn it in the "wrong" direction.

I went to my 2nd Step Study almost 2 weeks ago, we were on Step 11. I missed last Monday night's due to being ill but I am excited for next Monday when we can start on Step 1 again. I'm anal enough to want to start at the beginning...kinda a good place to start, dontcha think?

I attended my first CoDA meeting almost 2 weeks ago and again, had to miss last Monday's due to illness but I have to say I LOVED it!!! I finally felt I found a meeting where I "belonged". I didn't share, did nothing more than introduce myself and read the 12 traditions, but I know that time will come where I'm un-shy enough to share. There's another woman there who's been in the program for years that sounds like she's living my life. There's a woman who's been in the program for 13 years and she's where I want to me. Both women have offered (to the group as a whole) to be "temporary" sponsors. I didn't speak up, but could someone enlighten me as to the meaning of a "temporary sponsor" as opposed to just being "sponsor"?

Again, I hope I am not the cause of making this thread go dormant, it's been such a blessing to me and it seems, several others.

(((((ALL)))))

Gabe

Don't be silly SWC, you didn't make this thread dormant. Gabe is a little dim and forgets that it's up top, so she then forgets to check it out.
One of the things I love about the program is that you meet people who are living paralell lives and understand what you're going through.
It's like coming home.
Peace,
Gabe

boryad

Thanks Gabe...I just think (oh Codie me) that some misunderstood me when I stated I found more Codie info under the Nar-Anon boards than the Al-Anon boards. I know when I tried Al-Anon meetings, I really felt I didn't fit in. My Codie issues are so much more deeper than those related to my A and I was feeling good about reading so many more threads that seemed more co-dependent related in general and not just relative to addicts.

I can't wait to go back on Monday night...I know I found the right place (other than here).

Gabe

SWC,
I'm glad you found a place that you feel comfortable, that is so important.
Peace,
Gabe

mooselips

Hiya Swc,
I would like to attend nar-anon, maybe it's just curiosity. I have never had the opportunity to go to a Nar-anon, but it just seems it would fit "me" to a T, because I'm dealing with my sons drug addiction. (Now don't go beating me up everybody, I know addiction is addiction, and 12 steps are non the less 12 steps)) But, then again, there does have to be a reason for two different meetings. The majority of people in my al-anon are older women, who are "lifers" Their significant other is a alcoholic.
Truly, I would like to attend a CODA mtg. They just don't have any around here. And I live pretty darn close to a BIG city!

But even better, I like SR the BEST! I learn something new everyday, and isn't what it's all about?
I have decided I am going to go the CODA route, because if I can help me, then the A's don't trigger me.....as much.....LOL :LMAO

Ann

SWC

A temporary sponsor is someone who starts working with you, and who very well may end up being a permanent sponsor. Being temporary gives you both a chance to see if you are well suited to work together on your recovery. But if you should find someone else that you would prefer, then there is no problem switching sponsors. Hope that makes sense.

I have been busy and haven't been here as much as I should have. So let's get this thread swinging again :wink2: And a warning, there's going to be homework!!!

For now, I'd still like to stick to the first 3 steps. They are so important and to move on to Step 4 without a solid 1, 2 and 3, is not suggested.

So lets, review where we are. We admitted we were powerless, in Step 1, and have found that we can be powerless in many relationships, not just with A's. Takes a moment, if you haven't already to go back and re-read what we have discussed. And Step 2 is that we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could resore us to sanity. So, before we revisit Step 3, here's the assignment (LOL, you KNEW there would be one).

On a piece of paper, write down 3 things that you feel powerless over, that in the past you have tried to control. For example, for me it could be "I am powerless over whether my son uses, gets clean or relapses". "I have tried to control it by letting him live at home, handling his money, driving him to meetings, and by showing him my anger, disappointment, fear, and pain hoping that he will feel sorry and do something to change".

Then, write about how this worked for you (to quote Dr. Phil, LOL), and why it didn't work, and write telling yourself if you now accept that you are powerless over this.

When you are finished, say a prayer, and ask God to take the need to control away, and give the power to Him. If God is not your higher power, then speak to whatever is, and do the same. I don't mean to offend anyone, but I can only relate what works for me, and for me my Higher Power is God.

Take some time with this. Maybe even make it special by lighting a candle, or doing it somewhere that your spirit connects.

Then come back here and share how you did it and how you feel about it, okay?

I'll be checking in regularly and if you have any questions please feel free to post them.

Hugs and Happy writing.
Ann

Gabe

Ann,
Only three things? Okay, okay, three is the magic number...I will limit it to three things.
Did you have to mention Dr. Phil? I am still pissed at him for the "codependent is a made-up word" thing. Oh great, now Dr. Phil has to be one of my three things.

"When you are finished, say a prayer, and ask God to take the need to control away, and give the power to Him."

What a gem that is.
Schoolgirl Gabe is off to do her homework.
Thanks Ann, love you.

mooselips

Gosh, I'm pathetic. I've been out of school for so long, I'm excited about doing homework! Talk about an oxymoron! Excited and homework in the same sentence! (I'm kind of liking this guy!)

boryad

OMG!!! I get to use my new notebook! :LMAO

Moose, I may still give Nar-Anon meetings a try and I'm not adverse to finding a different Al-Anon meeting. Heck, I even liked the AA meetings I went to and perhaps I can sit in on a NA meeting or two. My A may not be active in his addictions, but right now, we're not terribly active in moving forward in our lives together either until we sort our our separate lives. This is where CoDA suits me, as sorting my separate life and gaining back my individuality and self-worth (NEITHER lost due to my A) is a stepping stone to having a healthy relationship w/my healthy A.

Thanks Ann, for getting this rolling again. I went to my 3rd Step Study, 2nd CoDA meeting last night. I'm not sure about continuing the Step Study, there seems to be some dissension amongst the members in the fellowship about how they want to progress (thought they'd finish up Step 12 last week during my absence so I'd be ready to bounce into Step 1 last night...I was wrong-o!). I've done some more reading and I think I'm ready to actually make a step towards taking Step 1 so until I find a sponsor, guess who's coming to SR for class!

I really did like my meeting though. One of the persons who indicated willingness to be a "temporary" sponsor (and who I think might work for me) was not there last night. She's still a strong consideration for me. What I did learn though was another who I had considered as a sponsor when starting 2 weeks ago is probably not a good match-up. On the flip side, yet another woman I met at my first Step Study but did not see at a meeting until last night seems like a good fit as a sponsor...someone I would've never considered after the the first Step Study. I know I should take some time when selecting a sponsor and oh boy (girl?) am I. I know I have 3 potentials, more like 2, but I'm still wanting to learn a bit more about these people. Nothing changes if nothing changes, and finding someone who's where I want to be is important to me instead of remaining mired in a black hole built for 2.

Thanks for your explanation of temporary sponsor, Ann and yes, it did make sense.

I gotta go do some work now so I can do my homework later. Although, detention at SR seems kinda like a good thing.

Ann

Okay, gang, how's everyone doing with the assignments

There's no real deadline, but you get extra points for turningit in early, LOL.

Hugs
Ann