Stephanie

There is one thing that I learned from relapsing years ago and that is how important humility is.

When I was using I thought I had all the answers. I certainly wasn't going to let anyone tell me what to do or what was best for me.

When my head was against the wall and I was looking at rock bottom, I started to follow the principals of the program and work the steps, take direction from a sponsor.

Well, I got the car back, the job back, the house back, the boyfriend back
And without realizing it, thee same attitudes had resurfaced from my using days. They say that an addict and an alcoholic is an ego maniac with an inferiority complex. I can relate.
I thought I knew it all, the queen of recovery

And then I relapsed

Luckily in desperation I found recovery again but a few things had changed.....

I learned the importance of remaining teacheable every day. The importance of prayre and accepting gods will for me and not my own will, the importance of service to others. Having humility is something learned for me and it is a daily reprieve.

I wrote this because I need to be reminded of that and maybe if we start a thread about it, it can be a resource we can look to when we are struggling with humility.

Thanks Guys,

Searching

Gypsygirlmom

HI Searching!

I think you've been reading my mind lately!
This is something that I have been thinking about lately, I know it is a big part of all this, but I guess what I'm not to sure of is what is it? To be humble? I'm just not getting it. I thought I was, but, in all honesty, maybe not.

OK I guess my question is: What exactly is having humility? And how do I incorporate into my everyday life? What is it asking of me?

Congrads on the moderator position!
(New Job - New Coat!!! :wink2:

JT

Can I reply?

Humility is knowing you don't have all the answers. At least for me it is. It remaining teachable and listening to someone who knows more. HP, sponsor, mentor. It is doing what you are told even when you don't believe it is right, but trusting the person who went before you.

There was a time when I KNEW I knew everything and today I know I don't.

I too relapsed. My son moved out and I got my marrage back to better than it had ever been, and I let my program go. After a few years had passed I found my self nagging all the time, fault finding and not a fun person to around.

I found my program again. And I am humble. I am humbled by the fact that I could slip unnoticed back into behaviors without being aware. I am humbled by the fact that renewing this program has brought me so much joy again. I am humbled by my HP and the 12 steps.

Hugs,
JT

Gypsygirlmom

Thank you JT!

Yes, I definitely thought I had all the answers. Even my kids said I am very controlling - I thought I was just being a mom.

But I am realizing now that I don't have all the answers, and I am willing to listen and am trying to soak up as much as I can from others so I can learn - is this being humble? You said "doing what you are told, even if you don't believe it is right, trusting the person before you" I think that is where alot of my problem come in is the trusting. I came from an alcoholic home with a very critical mother, to an addict home now! There really hasn't been anyone worth trusting & if I did, I obviously got hurt or used anyways. You know how you teach you kids to trust, until that trust has been broken - well, I think I distrust 1st (to be safe?) then they can earn the trust. I'm all backwards aren't I?? I'm thinking here that maybe I don't know how to do this.

But I am starting to trust my sponsor, it is just so hard I think to allow myself to become that vulnerable with someone. But slowly...I'm trying.

Thank you for sharing!

Stephanie

Hi Gypsygirlmom,

I definitely think that trying to learn and listening to other people is humility. They say in the recovery literature that humility "is a clear recognition of what and who we really are, followed by a sincere attempt to become what we could be"

And JT We are truly greatful to have you reply to anything. Your wisdom overwhelms me. I think you say something every day that inspires me and/or teaches me..

I tried to look up humility in the Daily Reflections. There were 23 separate meditations about humility. If you thing about it it's right there in step 7. "We humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings"

A couple of things stuck out for me in the readings and I would like to share them. Mainly humility is accepting our humanness, that we are no better or worse than anyone else. As addicts we try to control so much yet we find so much freedom in accepting situations as they are and accepting that that is the path that god has put in front of us to take right now and maybe there's a lesson to be learned.

I am going to give you an example and I will make it an alanon example since alanon people replied. JT once mentioned that she was always trying to make everything perfect in her home, well I am the epitomy of the shiny shoe syndrome. For so long, and really still if there was the slightest chance of running into anyone or anyone stopping by my house. My kids are dressed nice, bathed, happy, I am dressed nice, the house looks perfect (even though at the last minute I probbably threw everything into the hall closet My yard is always pruned and flowers everywhere. Meanwhile I'm miserable because no ones helping, the kids are getting mud all over their shoes and tracking it in the house, the dog jumps up on my white shirt, and then my husband and the kids have a snack and my clean house goes from immaculate to the way it usually looks.

My serenity at that point is usually out the window. If I choose to surrender and look around me, everyone seems happy but me and probably the guests didn't even if my house was perfect or not because they are too busy thinking about themselves. It is very painful to realize that you are out of control because you are trying so hard to control everyone and everything else.

HUMILITY IS THE HEALER OF PAIN

"It was painful to give up trying to control my life, even though success eluded me, and when life got too rough, I drank to escape, accepting life on lifes terms will be mastered through the humility I experience when I turn my will and my life over to the care of god as I understand him"

Daily Reflections p.206

Searching

Doug

This is a good topic, and hopefully will generate some more discussion. I know I need it. I believed for a long time that I was above and beyond, and knew it all. Not to mention I was very unique and very important. That line of thinking has caused me, and only me, a lot of trouble.

Gypsygirlmom

Thanks for starting this thread searching!

I am afflicted w/the shiny shoe syndrome, so your saying this is not a good thing? But, yes, I can see how everyone is happy, and I am anything but happy. I believe I am usually hyperventilating when they start to pull the snacks out!

So, being humble, being willing to learn, not better or worse than anyone else, acceptance, giving up control.......

I believe this is an area that will take alot of retrospect into oneself. Areas that once were thought to be normal actions, I guess maybe aren't. Or are done in a controlling way, without even realizing, I am controlling. OK here...my mother is VERY critical of me, husband, kids, life, just everything, she acts like she is so much better than everyone else, she knows everything about everything, treats us like we were children, will just look at you with disgust if she doesn't like what you are saying, & it's her way or the hyway. So - I guess my question is "is this a person who is not showing humility".

"Humility is the healer of Pain"
Is this because we become submissive to God's Will? Is this part of the Third step? To become humble to God?

Thank you so much for starting this, Sorry, I seem to have alot of questions about this, trying to grasp it!

Stephanie

I am really glad we started this thread too because I need it just as much as the next guy. I am no authority so anyone please jump in. I just know how I try to practice the principals of the program and that in itself has shown me humility. I have always been one to question authority, start a debate, be very sceptical, but after I hit my bottom w/drugs and alcohol, I had no choice but to surrender my will and my life over to god as I understand him. I fought for too long and my way was not working. Now I don't know if I would use the word submissive for the third step but I would describe it as letting go of trying to control everything.

Here's a simple example of how I work the third step in my life. Before the third step, if I was in a traffic jam on my way to an important engagement, I would be so frustrated, cussing, freaking out, smoking a million cigarettes and basically raising my blood pressure through the roof. Today after working the third step for many a 24 hrs. I sit back and realize that there is absolutely nothing I can do about this situation. Getting upset isnot going to make me get where I am going any faster and it's just going to make me misreable. I have found that the way life works, when I get out of the way and let it happen, is that the person I was going to meet was in the same traffic jam, so it turned out fine anyway, and they played a new song I had been dying to hear.

Turning my will over to god did not come easy for me but after making a conscious effort to practice the third step over and over evidence showed me that it was the easier, softer way to live.

It's funny, my mother is the exact same way as yours. I learned a long time a go not to try to figure her out, she was never going to change, so I had to. She was critical of everything so I spent the better part of my life seeking approval from pretty much everyone, but mainly from her. If I'm perfect then my mother will love me. I used to start preparing for her visit a month in advance so we would have the right meals, I would have the right haircut, the kids would have the right clothes. You know what, her being so critical of me was all about her and nothing about me. I made it about me. Now I actually have fun when my parents come to visit here. She's exactly the same but it just doesn't get to me the way it used to.

My interpretation of the quote, "humility is the healer of Pain" is that I can accept myself for who I am and others for who they are, I don't have to be perfect and neither do the people around me. We say in the program that it's an inside job. It's how we feel about who we are that shines through, not, I guess, the shine on ones shoes. This is where the peace and serenity comes from, accepting life on lifes terms. For addicts and alcoholics this is a CRUCIAL part of recovery because most of us used drugs and alcohol to numb the pain when things didn't go our way.

I hope I made some sense out of my previous post. Of course the shiny shoe syndrome isn't bad if it works for you but I'm realizing, I work my bu.. off trying to make life look good while everyone else is living it.

Love and Recovery,

Searching

Gypsygirlmom

I think I'm understanding this better now. And I think I am trying to practice it. By me learning who I am, knowing I am not in control, accepting everyone just for who they are, and knowing I do not know everything. And life is what it is.

"Turning my will over to god did not come easy for me but after making a conscious effort to practice the third step over and over evidence showed me that it was the easier, softer way to live."

Ahhh, you're saying, practicing the third step will enable me to see how turning my will & life over to God actually does work, is better than my way. By seeing this, I will be able to do this! Seeing - Believing

I've been told before that my mothers "stuff" was all about her, not about me. And I've been getting better dealing with her. Very detached right now. But it is getting a little easier to just accept her, and not let it bother me. I will never be able to meet up to her expectations anyways, so why bother. I just need to be me!

Thank you for all your replys

narf

Not only is humility important to the recovering addict having an open mind to educating ones self on this disease is very importnat in my humble opinion. I have read so much on the disease of addiction that I understand so much better the relapse. What I will never understand, or accept is the stigma that we live with every day of our lives. In its stead I am going to try and adovate to remove the stigma so that others know that we are not monsters but loving carring PEOPLE no horns, no yellow eyes, just PEOPLE.

NARF:okay:

Stephanie

Hi Narf,

I know exactly how you feel about the stigma, but people are always going to judge what they don't understand. I had to chang my thinking about this one and accept that as reality. I remember when it happened to.

Here's a little story that you just won't believe. I had gotten a new car so I had to get tags, reg, and renew my lisence because I was in a new state. I had to fill out an app for the drivers license and it asked if I had ever been treated for any of the following and I said yes to drug addiction and alcohol. Why lie, I'm proud of my recovery. Well, I was told immediately to go to a special room where I had to fill out all this paper work, they would not give me a license. I had to bring signed slips saying that I go to meetings, a note from a doctor saying that it's ok for me to drive and proof that I went to rehab with a signed statement from the rehab. Well to do all this stuff took a long time and I couldn't drive in the meantime. I asked my doctor why this was happening when I told the truth. He said you're suppose to lie about it like everyone else does.

It's just the way it is

narf

Searching
Thats the way it is, but it dosent have to be. My genaration stopped a war for heavns sake, this is 100% harder. The only way we can do it is together and some day, pehaps not in my lifetime, someday it will happen. Your story gave me the chills, this is AMERICA, and the government of states and commonwealths don't know a thing about addiction. Doctors missed addiction 101. but I pray that someday it stops.

narf

Stephanie

I brought up the thread on Humility because I have had a huge dose of it lately. Most of us who have gotten clean and sober hit some type of bottom that motivated us to seek help. I have found through the years, in recovery that I can reach a bottom with regard to a number of issues at any time, without the use of drugs and/or alcohol.

Sometimes I am powerless over life and my life has become unmanageable. I tend to forget that the drugs and alcohol were merely a symptom of my disease until I am once again up against a wall, brought about usually, by using my own will to control a situation to get the result that I want. They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. As a recovering addict I seem to do the same thing over and over but only with defferent circumstances.

It tends to inevitably be caused by one thing. I am trying to run the show.

It tends to have the same result. It doesn't work

It always comes down to the same solution. surrendering my life and my will over to the car of god, getting out of the way, and trying to let go of what I cannot control.

Time and time again it comes back to humility for me, I do not have all the answers even though I like to think I do.

Paulie

Thanks!

Peacefulpie

Dr. Bob had a plaque defining humility on his desk, which read:


"Perpetual quietness of the heart. It is to have no trouble. It is never to be fretted or vexed, irritable or sore, to wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing done against me. It is to be at rest when nobody praises me and when I am blamed or despised, it is to have a blessed home in myself where I can go in and shut the door and kneel to my Father in secret and be at peace, as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and about is seeming trouble."

says it better than any words i am capable of stringing together. there are some really great shares in this thread, powerful reading. thanks ((((((y'all)))))

Gypsygirlmom

Thank you Peacefulpie!

Ahh, well that is what I am searching for. Why does it seem so difficult to attain? One Day at a Time....

Peacefulpie

BILL WILSON WRITES ON HUMILITY :

There can be no absolute humility for us humans. At best, we can only glimpse the meaning and splendor of such a perfect ideal. As the book Alcoholics Anonymous says: “We are not saints…. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.” Only God Himself can manifest in the Absolute; we human beings must needs live and grow in the domain of the relative. We seek humility for today.
Therefore our practical question is this: “Just what do we mean by ‘humility for today’ and how do we know when we have found it?”
We scarcely need be reminded that excessive guilt or rebellion leads to spiritual poverty. But it was a very long time before we knew we could go even more broke on spiritual pride. When we early AA’s got our first glimmer of how spiritually prideful we could be, we coined this expression: “Don’t try to get too damn good by Thursday!” That old-time admonition may look like another of those handy alibis that can excuse us from trying for our best. Yet a closer view reveals just the contrary. This is our AA way of warning against pride- blindness, and the imaginary perfection’s that we do not possess.
Now that we no longer patronize bars and bordellos; now that we bring home the paychecks; now that we are so very attractive in AA, and now that people congratulate us on these signs of progress – well, we naturally proceed to congratulate ourselves. Yet we may not be within hailing distance of any humility. Meaning well, yet doing badly, how often have I said or thought, “I am right and you are wrong,” “My plan is correct and yours is not,” “Thank God your sins are not my sins,” “You are hurting AA and I’m going to stop you cold,” “I have God’s guidance, so He is on my side.” And so on, indefinitely.
The alarming thing about such pride-blindness is the ease with which it is justified. But we need not look far to see that its deceptive brand of self-justification is a universal destroyer of harmony and love. It sets man against man, nation against nation. By it, every form of folly and violence can be made to look right, and even respectable. Of course it is not for us to condemn. We need only investigate ourselves.
How then, can we do more and more about reducing our guilt, rebellion, and pride?
When I inventory such defects, I like to draw myself a picture and tell myself a story. My picture is that of a Highway to Humility, and my story is an allegory. On one side of my Highway, I see a great bog. The Highway’s edge borders a shallow marsh, which finally shelves down into that muddy morass of guilt and rebellion in which I have so often floundered. Self-destruction lies in wait out there, and I know this. But the country on the other side of the road looks fine. I see inviting glades, and beyond them great mountains. The countless trails leading into this pleasant land look safe. It will be easy, I think, to find one’s way back.
Together with numbers of friends, I decide to take a brief detour. We picked our path and happily plunge along it. Elatedly, somebody soon says, “Maybe we’ll find gold on top of that mountain.” Then to our amazement we do strike gold – not nuggets in the streams, but fully minted coins. The heads of these coins each declare, “This is pure gold – twenty four carats.” Surely, we think, this is the reward for our patient plodding back there in the everlasting brightness of the Highway.
Soon, though, we begin to notice the words on the tails of the coins, and we have strange forebodings. Some pieces carry rather attractive inscriptions: “I am Power,” “I am Acclaim,” “I am Wealth,” “I am Righteousness,” they say. But others seem very strange For example: “I am the Master Race,” “I am the Benefactor,” “I am Good Causes,” “I am God.” This is very puzzling. Nevertheless we pocket them. But next come real shockers. They read: “I’m Pride,” “I’m Anger,” “I’m Aggression,” “I’m Revenge,” “I’m Disunity,” “I’m Chaos.” Then we turn up a single coin – just one – which declares: “I am the Devil Himself.” Some of us are horrified and we cry, “This is fool’s gold, and this is a fool’s paradise – let’s clear out of here!”
But many would not return with us. They said, “Let’s stay here and sort over these coins. We’ll pick only the ones that carry the lucky inscriptions. For instance, those that say, ‘Power’ and ‘Glory’ and ‘Righteousness.’ You fellows are going to be sorry you didn’t stick around.” Not strangely, it was years before this part of our original company returned to the Highway.
They told us the story of those who had sworn never to return. They had said, “This money is real gold, and don’t tell us any different. We’re going to pile up all we can. Sure, we don’t like those fool mottoes. But there’s plenty of firewood here. We’ll just melt all this stuff down into good solid bricks.” Then our late arrivals added: “This is how the gold of Pride claimed our brothers. They were already quarreling over their bricks when we left. Some were hurt and a few were dying. They had begun to destroy each other.”

continued....

Peacefulpie

This symbolic picture graphically tells me that I may attain “humility for today” only to the extent that I am able to avoid the bog of guilt and rebellion, and that fair but deceiving land which is strewn with the coin of Pride. This is how I can find and stay on the Road to Humility which lies in between. Therefore a constant inventory which can reveal when I am off the road is always in order.
Of course, our first attempts at such inventories are apt to prove very unrealistic. I used to be a champ at unrealistic self-appraisal. I wanted to look only at the part of my life which seemed good. Then I would greatly exaggerate whatever virtues I supposed I had attained. Next I would congratulate myself on the grand job I was doing. So my unconscious self-deception never failed to turn my few good assets into serious liabilities. This astonishing process was always a pleasant one. Naturally this generated a terrible hankering for still more “accomplishments,” and still more approval. I was falling straight back into the pattern of my drinking days. Here were the same old goals – power, fame, and applause. Besides, I had the best alibi known – the spiritual alibi. The fact that I really did have a spiritual objective always made this utter nonsense seem perfectly right. I couldn’t tell a good coin from a bad one; it was spiritual goldbricking at worst. I shall forever regret the damage I did to people around me. Indeed, I still tremble when I realize what I might have done to AA and to its future.
In those days I wasn’t much bothered about the areas of life in which I was standing still. There was always the alibi: “After all,” I said to myself, “I’m far too busy with much more important matters.” That was my near perfect prescription for comfort and complacency.
But sometimes I would simply have to look at certain situations where, on the face of them, I was doing very badly. Right away, a rousing rebellion would set in. Then the search for excuses would become frantic. “These,” I would exclaim, “are really a good man’s faults.” When that pet gadget finally broke apart, I would think, “Well, if those people would only treat me right, I wouldn’t have to behave the way I do.” Next in order was this: “God well knows that I do have awful compulsions. I just can’t get over this one. So he will have to release me.” At last came the time when I would shout, “This, I positively will not do; I won’t even try.” Of course my conflicts went right on mounting because I was simple loaded with excuses and refusals.
When these troubles finally exhausted me enough, there was yet another escape. I would commence to wallow in the bog of guilt. Here pride and rebellion would give way to depression. Though the variations were many, my main theme always was, “How god-awful I am.” Just as I had exaggerated my modest attainments by pride, so now I would exaggerate my defects through guilt. I would race about, confessing all (and a great deal more!) to whoever would listen. Believe it or not, I took that to be great humility on my part, and I counted this as my sole remaining asset and consolation!
During these bouts with guilt, there was never descent regret for the harms I had done, nor was there any serious thought of making such restitution as I could. The idea of asking God’s forgiveness let alone any forgiveness of myself, never occurred to me. Of course my really big liability – spiritual pride and arrogance – was not examined at all. I had shut out the light by which I might have seen it.
Today I think I can trace a clear linkage between my guilt and my pride. Both of them were certainly attention-getters. In pride I could say, “Look at me, I am wonderful.” In guilt I would moan, “I’m awful.” Therefore guilt is really the reverse side of the coin of pride. Guilt aims at self-destruction and Pride aims at the destruction of others.
This is why I see “humility for today” as the safe and secure stance midway between these violent emotional extremes. It is a quiet place where I can keep enough perspective and enough balance to take my next small step up the clearly marked road that points toward eternal values.
Many of us have experienced far greater emotional gyrations than I. Others have experienced less. But all of us still have them at times. Yet I think we need not regret these conflicts. They seem to be a necessary part of growing up, emotionally and spiritually. They are the raw material out of which much of our progress has to be made.
Does anyone ask if AA is but a retching pit of pain and conflict? The answer is “Certainly not.” In great measure, we AA’s have really found peace. However haltingly, we have managed to attain an increasing humility whose dividends have been serenity and legitimate joy. We do not detour as much or as far as we once did.
At the outset of this meditation, it was thought that absolute ideals are far beyond our attainment, or even our comprehension; that we would be sadly lacking in humility if we really felt that we could achieve anything like absolute perfection in this brief span of earthly existence. Such a presumption would certainly be the acme of spiritual pride.
Reasoning thus, many people will have no truck at all with absolute spiritual values. Perfectionists, they say, are either full of conceit, because they fancy they will reach some impossible goal, or else they are swamped in self-condemnation because they have not done so.

Yet I think that we should not hold this view. It is not the fault of great ideals that they are sometimes misused and so become shallow excuses for guilt, rebellion, and pride. On the contrary, we cannot grow very much unless we constantly try to envision what the eternal spiritual values are. As step 11 of AA’s recovery program says, we Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for the knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. This surely means that we ought to look toward God’s Perfection as our guide rather than as a goal to be reached in any foreseeable time.
I’m sure; for instance, that I ought to seek out the finest definition of humility that is possible for me to envision. This definition doesn’t have to be absolutely perfect – I am only asked to try. Suppose I choose one like this: “Perfect humility would be a state of complete freedom from myself, freedom from all the claims that my defects of character now lay so heavily upon me. Perfect humility would be a full willingness, in all times and places, to find and to do the will of God.”
When I meditate upon such a vision itself, letting it grow and ever more fill my heart. This done, I can compare it with my last-taken personal inventory. Then I get a sane and healthy idea of where I actually stand on the Highway to Humility. I see that my journey toward God has scarce begun. As I thus get down to my right size and stature, my self-concern and importance become amusing. Then faith grows that I do have a place on this Highway; that I can advance upon it with deepening peace and confidence. Once more I know that God is good; that I need fear no evil. This is a great gift, this knowledge that I do have a destiny.
As I continue to contemplate God’s Perfection, I discover still another joy. As a child, hearing my first symphony, I was lifted up into its indescribable harmony, though I knew little of how or whence it came. So today, when I listen for God’s Music of the Spheres, I can now and again hear those divine chords by which I am told that the Great Composer loves me - and that I love Him.

From the Grapevine’s Best of Bill, ( on Humility ),1965

Peter

I like this topic on humility.It is a spiritual principle I strive hard to attain but one which I very often fall short of.

A lot of the previous sharing does apply to me but another important aspect on humility for me is remaining anonymous.To do kindness for others and not talk about it.

Peter.

Stephanie

Thanks Peter,

That is a very thought provoking statement. My old sponsor used to always tell me to check my motives. Doing that made me realize that sometimes when I thought I was doing something "out of the goodness of my heart" I was infact doing it for selfish motives. Now, personally I don't think that is always so bad, if you do something nice for someone and you get something out of it too. But, the problems arise for this alcoholic when I have expectations attached or if my motive has anything to do with self-centered fear.

I think unconditional kindness is such a great thing to strive for, because really, I think that's all god wants us to do.