jpc2505

I have been sober now for quite a while, so I guess this is no longer alcohol or drug related, but I just can't work up the nerve to discuss this with anyone one on one. I'm hoping you can shed some light on my situation. I've been living with a man I love very much for 3 years now. He can be rather controlling, he gets upset if I do things without him, and somehow along the way I've lost most of my close friends. About 6 months into the relationship we had a horrible fight which ended with him throwing me around. Nothing serious, but it scared me and I was going to leave. We ended up working things out, but since then about every 4 months or so we have an argument which ends physically. I don't hit him, but he has put a sword through the mattress next to where I was laying, he's slammed my head against the concrete, he's pushed me, threatened my life, etc. Most of this was when we were using cocaine, and since we'd quit several months ago there were no more episodes. Last weekend I came home late and he got angry...well, he ended up choking me. I'm so confused, he says it's because I push his buttons, and I really do sometimes. Is the situation abusive? Or is this just a normal relationship?

jlo34

jpc,
That would be an abusive relationship. He's blaming you for his behaviors and actions (which are absolutely unacceptable). From a person who's been in abusive relationships, let me tell you, it gets worse and worse (just like addiction) and if you stay in it long enough, he will kill you (because YOU pushed his buttons).

My advice, get out now. Be prepared to get a restraining order/personal protective order and move on with your life. Please feel free to send me a PM if you'd like to talk further...

Love and prayers,
Jen

Alice Wonder

(((jpc))) i have talked with you before when the matress/sword incident took place and i know from experience how hard it is to come to terms with the true nature of relationships that are intense and dramatic. i had a very hard time getting my mind and my heart around the fact that someone i really loved could physically and mentally hurt me. it seems like you are having a rough time accepting things. if you are overwhelmed then maybe some baby steps are in order. you could call an anonymous hotline which would be great or maybe read "women who love too much" to get a little insight and of course you should keep posting here for help and support. it comes down to the question of what do YOU feel up to doing about your relationship? maybe even taking a small baby step will give you some confidence and help you get your strength. violence usually comes in cycles and while it is true that Men are more abusive to Women when they are under the influence of drugs and alcohol it is also true that they USE drugs and alcohol to get the courage to act out in a violent manner. what do you think about your relationship? you know better than anyone. trust yourself and your instincts. no one who is in an abusive realtionship likes being in one. what do you think? and what do you feel? and what do you feel up to doing at this point? you are not alone even though you have been isolated there are many women who have been through this who will help you. love-alice