| | All is well and slow going
Learning how to care for oneself takes courage.
I was in a relationship with a beautiful quiet boy-man in NA.
He was not abusive.
I went 9 years alone, and relapsed several times, (relapse has been a necessary part of my recovery, that I unbelievably, lived through.)
I did extend him many opportunities to join me in growing and expanding his life. It was too much too fast. He is gone, but at meetings. His sweet shining (clean!) eyes draw me in and make me ache. I suspect he feels this too. I have had to honor our relationship, him as a human being, not something to Use and be addicted to.
This is hard, learning not to use OUTSIDE of drugs. Recovery continues and I needed Narcotics Anonymous to remind me it was never really about the drugs. I wanted it to be that simple, drugs control me! If I don't use, I'll be free! Nope. Not for me. I want to hole up and not experience connection with risk and failure and success, heart ache, old wounds and also, New Beginnings.
NA is my way of figuring out where Love is. Not the human conditional kind, but love that is there for me if I can let go. (OMG I'm scared in my gut just typing this!) I was once way more of afraid of Love and acceptance, falling and newness, than using and abusing and falling victim to...
Today I want to surround myself with simple things that feel good. It may not sound like risk, but having a cup of coffee, turning the computer on to SoberRecovery instead of pornography, writing out where I am today, responding to girlfriends texts, saying no to my Disfunctional family; these things seem monotonous and scary to me. I am risking moving out of my comfort zone every day. I am getting to know myself. I hope I like her. Then maybe I'll understand why others do.
Why be so surprised? I really enjoy meeting "You" on SoberRecovery, (whoever's reading this), and in life.
Why wouldn't I count too?
Let those old messages go.
There is another way.
You deserve to be heard and held and laughed with.
The anger protects for a while, then it turns around to kill me. Just like drugs.
I don't want to learn through pain anymore. I want to take Your hand and carefully learn how to walk through my day, as we all did once. Free. Safe. It's been so long, I barely remember that safe child. We were once. Do you remember?
I extend the same hand to You, I did to my ever member within my family of origin, and to my former lover, my collegues and children, I offer my presence with the tools of NA or AA or SLAA or CoDA or Ala-non or OEA...you are my Brother or Sister and I love you. Couldn't be here without you. I have missed you!
Let Us Be OurSelves, and it's enough.
Just For Today.
NA basic text
Recovery & Relapse Ch 7
Willpower's Not Enough